#totheone

It’s been 11 years since I’ve known you. I still remember you were so snob and reserve. How ironic life could be because I didn’t get the chance to talk to you- just looking at you from a distance even though we’re in the same town. Time flies so fast, we’re now professionals. You’re an Electric Engineer and I’m a Science Teacher. Today, March 13, 2021, I messaged you through messenger because I have a concern about your little sister. I am her adviser and I need someone whom I can contact regarding her. For how many years of not talking to you, I'm glad I got the chance today even just through messenger. I can't believe how nervous and excited I am to just message you even though it's not about you, me, or not even about us.  I was so happy when you replied. I got the chance to asked-how have you been and where are you now. You told me you're at UPLB and I hope you're doing great. I just wanna say thank you for always making me feel this way- excited and nervous.

You know what?  I did never really tell you about how I feel for you right? I don't know what you call these feelings- I can tell that it's not really "love" because I have a boyfriend whom I truly love. Can you tell me what it is?  I'm just so happy I met you. You're really taking the place inside my heart no one can ever replace huh? (laughs) Just occupy that special place, that's yours. Only yours.

Maybe it's not about the timing but maybe because it's about fate. Wishing you happiness.

To the one who makes me smile

To the one who constantly tries

To the one whose love is a trial

I will love you until my demise

To the one for whom I survive

To the one whose world engulfs mine

To the one who is my endless drive

Enough to survive but not to live

to the one who lose herself,

 to the person who became her universe and ended up in black hole, whom she will go thru the storm with and reached the point where she was left in the strorm while he, he found another sunshine, whom she will fight the battle with but ended up beaten and wounded by his own sword,

her questions might be “why?”

why did he left?

and “what?”

what happened to us?

and then“how?”

how did I end up being like this?

and If she was even enough.

she can’t find the answers so,she started to doubt the kind of love she gave,the kind of love that is selfless, genuine, unconditional and contented. she started to question her power to give that love again, for she fears that it is not the kind of love that should be given, that the kind of love she has is not enough to make  a person stay and that she herself,will never be enough.

She brokedown. She was pained. She was clouded with uncertainty. Her heart was tired.

but

she made it.

she made her way out from the blackhole

she became the sunshine

she was healed from her wounds

for when the time that she is questioning, doubting and hurting

she poured everything to the one who gave up everything for her, Jesus.

she was reminded of the love that God has through Jesus, of the promise that after every storm there is a rainbow.

It was not easy but she made it.

No, I'm not ready for a relationship. No, I'm not ready to commit. No, I can't. Not now, not anytime soon.

I know for a fact that I'm a hopeless romantic person and for the past years, I've buried that fact deep down. Never wanting it to be true anymore. Romance wouldn't get you somewhere even if a lot of films prove that to be true. UP taught me that. And I have seen that, pressed deeply in my face. And yet, lately, I found myself obsessing over the fact that I have to find this The One, there is this hole hoping to meet him sooner or later. 

But thanks to the people around me...I am always reminded that marriage is never easy. It's a 24/7 life filled with compromise, patience, and endurance. Love alone can't keep a relationship going. Love can't be the only reason to do something because sometimes love can make us do things irrationally, ways that could hurt people, actions that could make or break us. And I'm not ready for that. I don't think I ever will.

So whenever I thought or felt that longing in my chest to intertwine my fingers with somebody else's, I remind myself to be ready first. I ask myself if I am ready to forgive, to be hurt in a thousand times and manage to still be functioning and remain as me. And most importantly, feel the love over this person above everything else despite his past, his mistakes, his flaws and imperfections, every shortcomings, and every hurtful words/actions he may do to me. I hope I get to choose to love him and endure not the forever we have (because come on, there's literally no forever; there is an ending to anything) but the time we are given to find home in each other's arms.

So to whoever you are that's destined to be with me, I hope you're not ready too but looking forward to that day that you may be ready. Until then, we have to prepare ourselves. I hope by now, you have come to realize that you should stop playing games and have started to take life seriously. I hope you get to heal your scars and fill the gaps in your heart with love from God and yourself. I won't be there yet to physically show my support. But I know that all my life, I've been rooting for you. And from this day on, I will pray for you too continuously, not just when the thought of you comes up in my head. Take care of yourself (for me LOL). I miss you even when I haven't met you yet. (This is getting too cheesy now and the mantra repeats now as I am writing this. Why, oh why am I such a hopeless romantic??)

P.S. I hope you like love Star Wars 😉 and even if you don't, I hope I get to still love you deeply, madly, and truly without any reservations. =))))