Reflections of an Ordinary Person

Alhamdulillah I got a new laptop. It took me a while to figure out the access to Tumblr though, because it’s always on default in my old one.

I have been reading Indonesia, etc: Exploring the Improbable Nation by Elizabeth Pisani, an ex-Reuters journalist who lived in Indonesia for two years, before coming back as an Epidemiologist specializing in HIV in the early 2000s, to then coming back again for a longer period of time to travel the nation in 2011. It supposedly should be documenting her travels from the southwest of the nation, in an anticlockwise manner, until she reaches back to Java, the “main” island.

I am on the third chapter so far, and it has given be a brief zap of history of my nation starting a bit before Dutch colonialism until SBY being inaugurated into office as President in 2011. It is interesting to understand the perspective of a Westerner who comes from a more privileged background and a part of the world where white colonialism originated from on the subject of Indonesian politics and sense of unity, or lack thereof. 

So far she makes interesting observations about the nation while trying to box Indonesia into a square, but slowly realizing that it in fact is a circle and will likely stay as so for a long time. It seems to be a story of discovering an Indonesia that the average person is not familiar with. However, the type of language - sentence structure, vocabulary - she chooses to use, whether positive or negative, seems to sway the audience in a certain direction, especially if one is not well-read on the subject of colonialism in Southeast Asia and especially in Indonesia. I am sure this was not her intention, and in fact the purpose was for readers to see Indonesia through her eyes, so this is something that the audience should care to remind themselves while enjoying this book.

As an expat Indonesian who has never lived in Indonesia for an amount of time that is significant enough to be measured, it is an eye-opening book on how Indonesians view themselves, versus how the world views them, versus the thin lines between these perspectives and the reality of the situation. It also showcases that, much like how diverse our nation is, the diversity of each Indonesian’s perspective on subjects such as religion, politics, culture and individuality is even more varied. She mentions many examples of this - and not to say it is hypocrisy, for hypocrisy is mostly intending to be contradictory because you see yourself an exception to the rule - most Indonesians do not know any better, rather they know this as merely the way it is in their communities.

She is quick to turn first to the ex-leaders of the country since its independence. From eccentric Sukarno, who I had much respect for after reading his ideologies, Suharto, the dictator who had the nation’s stability in his genuine interest - and moves on to the other presidents with shorter and less memorable reigns. It is always a good learning experience to understand the differences in opinion on each leader’s performance, political ideology, and reputation. It of course came as a surprise to me, who has only heard about opinions on Indonesian presidents from Indonesians themselves, that Sukarno and BJ Habibie were not without their own large faults on how things turned out in Indonesia.

I’d like to address the need for validation. This is a mindset that has been rampant in me for most of my life.

I can vaguely remember making a mistake when I was in 3rd grade, and not being able to own up to it to my teachers and friends because I was scared of letting them down.

Where does this stem from?

Relationship with my parents, in particular my mother.

I was for the most part an obedient child. This did not mean I did not rebel, or did not say hurtful things to my parents. But however I reacted to them, I almost always did what they asked. The concept of an authoritative figure has always been present in my life. It’s also been pretty strong. And that authoritative figure, for the first 22 years of my life, was my mother. She tried to discipline us so much, that she ended up trying to control us. I eventually came to this realization when I was about 15 years old. 

I couldn’t think for myself. I couldn’t come up with my own ideas. My creativity was limited.

And that’s because there was this hand, voice and persona that had been guiding me towards making decisions my entire life. There was this looming cloud in my mind that if I did not do things as my parents wanted me to, I would end up embarrassing them. “Jangan bikin malu ibu sama ayah, kan kasihan udah gedein kamu, nyekolahin kamu, biayain kamu. Dosa dedepan mata Allah.”

By the time I was conscious about it, her logic had become my logic. Her fears had become my fears.

Trying to break out of that was the biggest challenge of all. I was lucky, though, because I moved to Seattle when I was 17 to pursue my undergrad degree. Being away from my parents, in a far away place, enabled me to begin to open up and critically think about the world around me. I started to have my own views, set my own limits and boundaries, and experiment by making my own decisions. Some I regret, and some I do not. But I finally believed I was becoming my own person.

Except I wasn’t.

And this was evident to me only after I started to work.

I started wanting to please everyone. I started working hard because I was afraid I’d disappoint someone, or that someone’s project wouldn’t come to fruition if I didn’t do my job properly.

My life became their life. I worked for them. When something couldn’t be delivered, I loomed over it - afraid someone would reject me. 

Yet again, I am trying to break this poisonous cycle. I’ve started to read more, take my faith more seriously because the only way I will stop is to realize the higher purpose, and that is to be close to Allah. He is the only one that needs pleasing. 

It won’t be the end of the world if I do not please people in this world. And what of it? You won’t be able to please everyone anyway.

Hi All,

Just blogging because I promised myself not to slip a second time on the once-per-week blogging commitment I made.

Today was a long work day for me - 12 hours, after working 7 hours yesterday (a Saturday, technically weekend).

These are crazy times. COVID-19 still strong around the world (though dwindling by day), George Floyd (may he rest in peace) was killed a couple of weeks ago by a cop who knelt on his neck for 12+ minutes as his face and body was thrusted on the pavement, and NASA & SpaceX successfully launch a rocket to outer space.

Quarantine life is growing on me (actually, I liked it from the beginning), we are going to start day 7 of Chloe Ting’s 2 week shred challenge (let’s see if it works), and we really need to clean our house (inshAllah we can get to it...tomorrow? #procrastinator5ever)

Wow. My intentions of blogging once a week have completely gone to custard, despite working and staying at home 99% of the time.

Intentions are an important part of humanity. I have been noticing that intentions are half of the journey, no matter what it is.

The first example I can think of is the concept of niyyah in Islam & Arabic. Without setting your intentions - or specifying your niyyah - whatever you do is, fundamentally, not counted towards your spiritual practice. If you pray and do not set your intention, it is invalid. If you fast and do not set your intention, Allah does not acknowledge it. And so on, and so forth.

The second would be in yoga. At the beginning of the session, instructors always emphasize the importance of setting your intention for your practice. This leads to more strength in your will power & your focus on your goal for the day. As long as you achieve this goal or intention, you find yourself more motivated to finish your practice.

Rain in April. Watching ‘A Piece of Your Mind’. Nostalgic and yearning feels take over my soul.

Soft gray clouds make my heart beat slower, and slower. It makes me deeply inhale and exhale, enchanting me into a meditative state.

Now I listen to Lo-Fi while I attempt to describe this experience with words. It’s harder than it looks. There are no words for this mood.

Oh gosh, it’s already April.

For those of you who live on this planet, you are probably aware of what is going on around the globe. COVID-19 has made an appearance in this world and affected more than 180 countries, and I believe infected over 1M people. All those affected, as well as the rest of the world, are in my prayers - we can only hope for the best. Amin.

We have been asked to work from home - it has been around two weeks since then. For now, I am getting used to this new arrangement (alhamdulillah). We only go grocery shopping when absolutely necessary, and when we do we wear masks (and sometimes gloves inside the grocery store). Even when the world does recover - and we will, inshAllah bi ithn Allah - the world will never be the same again. People will never be the same again. This is a historic moment that we are witnessing in which we can pinpoint exactly when a radical shift in the way we live and do things happens.

What type of changes have you made in your life to accommodate #stayathome and self-quarantine?

Mehdi and I formed a schedule of all the things we get to do at home, now that we do not have the distractions of meeting with friends, travelling, or even commuting. We have divided all of our activities into categories, namely:

- Intelligence: Professional OR Personal

- Religion: Iman OR Ihsan OR Islam

- Health & Fitness

- Serious Fun

- Household

Alhamdulillah, by the grace of Allah, it for the past 2 weeks we have encountered our challenges with the schedule however we have been trying our best to stick to it. More or less ~70% of the time, we achieve what we want.

As part of Health & Fitness, I have started a workout challenge that is available on darebee.com - highly recommend that you try this website as it is perfect for working out at your own pace while you are stuck at home. The challenge is 60 days of cardio every day (a set programme, no more than 15 minutes per day). I am on day 17 and already feeling better about myself alhamdulillah, although the weight machine is still struggling to show me results. Additionally, I have also been adding workouts to the challenge - whether it’s for different parts of the body, an intense full body or cardio workout, or yoga/meditation. This has helped me keep every day from being the ‘same’.

I have also invested in a digital piano keyboard. I have slowly started to play piano again - starting with pieces I had previously memorized and hoping to work my way to some more difficult classical pieces. This is part of my Serious Fun - although I have to admit, my husband and I prefer to watch Korean dramas. It’s important for us to start thinking about what we can give to our family if, inshAllah, we are blessed with one in the future. I would like them to look up to us and realize that they, too, can pursue whatever hobbies they like. I would like to encourage them to be well-rounded people who have interests to look forward to every day besides contributing to the community. Who knows, maybe they can use these hobbies to still make a meaningful contribution to the community.

My goal is to use this time of self isolation and quarantine as a push towards reflecting on the way we live, the amount of time we spend on ‘distractions’ or meaningless things that will not support our goal of self-growth and giving back to our communities, and most of all a time to be grateful for what Allah has blessed us with even during these difficult times. A way to think of Allah each and every step of the way. 

09.03.2020

Recently I have been feeling more active than usual.

I think to myself - Alhamdulillah, am I finally awake now? Am I finally realizing how precious I need to be to myself, and how much growth and improvement I have been missing out on for the last 10 years?

I have a few goals that I want to remind myself of, from this point forward. Seeing as I am a late bloomer with a terrible memory, I would like to consider this as a promise to myself that I would achieve them.

1. Run a 5K continuously. Without stopping. I will set 4 weeks to achieve this, which I have seen from different sources that it is actually quite doable.

2. Get a new active hobby. Currently I am looking at Archery, Horse Riding or Swimming. I am also considering Salsa Dancing.

3. Pursue an artistic hobby. I am considering going back to piano, or regularly take up Islamic Art or Pottery.

I think 3 is enough for now; my previous experience with trying to achieve too much at once is actually that you go burn out fairly quickly.

I am enjoying a bit of quiet time today outside of the house. I am sitting at a cafe in the midst of a bustling marina, surrounded by sounds of people socializing with each other, clanking of their plates as they finish their meals, and the urgency of the sales people as they run to satisfy their customers.

Sitting next to a family earlier made me reflect on that family, as if it were my own.

1. A teenage daughter who spoke English with an Americanized accent. She most likely attends international or American school. These people must be upper middle class expats, or above that. 

2. Parents who were trying to impose a ‘no phone when there’s food on the table’ rule whilst barely speaking to each other. Barely anything in common - I would say from how unfit the mother was and how fit the father was, that they do not share any interests or hobbies.

3. Pop culture references made by the teenage daughter and occasionally the parents. The teenage daughter was either trying hard to ‘fit in’ with her generation, or was already fitting in very well. Her talkative nature and the fact that her parents understood the pop culture references suggests that she speaks her mind (though probably not fully) to her parents, to be convincing to both herself and her parents that she ‘fits in’.

4. Teenage daughter specifically asked for her father’s help in understanding economic structures in certain governments and countries. This suggests that she is well-read and well-educated, hence re-emphasizing her socioeconomic status in society. This also shows that she either cares enough about school or is curious enough to request for parent involvement in the topic. This also shows the level of trust she still has for her parents, at least knowledge-wise.

As I sit here and write this, I cannot help but reflect on how interesting it is that we, as humans, have a natural tendency to make assumptions. Of course the social sciences rely majorly on creation of assumptions, either hand-in-hand with or in absence of facts.

To be honest, this is probably how we have survived for so long at the top of the food chain. We, unlike all other creations of God, have the ability to think and take action based on our thoughts. And by thinking we by default have the ability to assume and make conclusions. This is how we make 99% of decision in life.

Let’s take the example of facts. We look at the word ‘fact’ - which the Oxford Dictionary defines to be (n.)  a thing that is known to be true, especially when it can be proved. The thing needs to be known to be true. We do this by making an assumption. We assume that - 1+1 = 2 - is a fact because we know this to be a fact; because we have been taught this. We assume that what we are taught is correct and factual, because we assume that the person who has taught us this is trustworthy and knowledgeable.

This then spirals my thinking into how truth is relative, that everyone assumes their truth is the truth because of a certain circumstance based on assumptions. The cycle goes on and on. How do ever know for sure that something is a fact or not? How do we know that Islam is the truth, and Christianity is not? How do we know if a proof is a real proof, without assuming that it is?

The only answer I see here is to have it revealed by God Himself. A one, true, all-knowing and divine power is the only truth we can really rely on - because God does not assume. God knows and because he is the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, we know - we do not assume - that He is the source of truth, of facts. And in order to get there, one must seek knowledge by trusting the assumptions that have been made throughout history, passed down generation after generation, covering century upon century. We must read as much as we can, and come up with our own assumptions that will eventually lead to a path - whether or not this path is the true path or not, we have to assume all the way until the end. Until we meet the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Truth - God.

To the one who makes me smile

To the one who constantly tries

To the one whose love is a trial

I will love you until my demise

To the one for whom I survive

To the one whose world engulfs mine

To the one who is my endless drive

I hate when people undermine other people’s struggles.

Each has their own circumstances to deal with, why think less of a problem?

What are the factors that need to take into consideration to make it matter to you?

A Palindrome

That happens every

909 years. I

Wonder if we’ll

converge as often

Self-love session.

After injuring one of my baby toes today, I tried to give myself some self love.

Eating pineapples and flaming hot Cheetos while reading shoujo manga (guilty pleasure) and listening to neo-soul/rnb with the occasional cover of a famous Indonesian song.

Sometimes we need Fridays like these.

When you are listening to your favorite music - do you feel yourself getting ‘lost in it’?

It’s come to a point now that if I listen to my favorite music, I almost go into this prolonged daydream or trance. I can’t concentrate on anything except for how the music makes me feel. It makes me reflect, but on what? It’s only a fleeting moment and I just...forget about it. Everything I do is slower, so slow that I actually feel myself blinking, I can feel myself thinking of the color of my own skin, the way I am typing on my keyboard...

Some say the world is loud,

Others look for sound.

Some say they feel empty,

Others filled from sky to ground.

I once knew who I was,

But now not really.

Once ahead, now slowing down

Connection.

Something that seems so simple to achieve with people, surroundings and yourself.

But lately I’ve realized that it really isn’t. I’ve been deliberating about why I haven’t been able to make a real friend for the past 3 years, why I haven’t been able to identify exactly what it is I want to do, or find new hobbies, or even finish reading books that I’ve spent so much time on already.

The lack of connection to pretty much anything in my life has affected my sense of belonging. When you do not connect, you do not know where to go. You are lost. I’ve come to the conclusion that - despite never thinking I’d be one of those people, I am. I’m lost.

I’d always been someone who was high achieving at school, despite not really giving it my all. Everything had always come easy to me, Alhamdulillah. But somewhere along the lines, whatever decisions I have made or failed to make have led me to this very point in my life. I have always had a tendency to pull out or take a step back when things got too hard - when there wasn’t a sure light at the end of the tunnel. After all, was it not easier to run back to the beginning, because you know that the light is still there?

Not going through the tunnel thus cuts you off - you fail to connect to the other side - and so you just stay where you know it’s safe: where you first began.

I never understood the consequence was this; that I’d become somewhat an empty shell of a person who wouldn’t be able to connect to anything. Soon after, you realize you cannot even connect to yourself.

“What are your passions?” “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” “What is your definition of success?” “What are your hobbies?”

These are questions I really struggle to answer. Because, honestly, I don’t even know how to begin thinking about them. It’s like I’ve somehow blocked off all the tunnels and now have no energy to reopen them.

Perhaps there are others out there who have gone through similar things. I wonder if I could read a book about how to tackle this issue. 

Gosh, I cannot believe it's 2020 already.

I feel like I only really remember moments that I associate with milestones.

For example, 2012 was the halfway point of college, basically when I decided to get more serious about studying and really making it. Every tiny event I from the later half of college is just remembered as 2012. When I bought my MacBook I am fairly certain it was not 2012, but I cannot seem to remember when else it would have been? So I have just been saying I bought it in 2012. Many events are like this to me now...I wonder if this is the human brain trying to categorize all the different memories and has tried to alleviate the filing system so that it is not as intricate as when a person was in their youth.