All My Angsty Poetry

Enough to survive but not to live

Like a thousand small anchors

Designed to weigh her down

Each step

Feeling like her last

Heavier still with every move

Still, she tries.

In her mind

All she thinks is

As long as I am breathing

I am alive

And if I am alive

I can keep moving

So she fights

step by step

to the end

hoping he will know something is deeply wrong.

“Good for you,”

A response that shows he either doesn’t care about my health,

Or wasn’t paying enough attention to know something was wrong,

And later,

When I leave because I am not eating,

Because being with him makes me afraid to eat,

Afraid to gain weight on a body that needs it,

He wonders why.

He asked, scorn in his eyes,

Telling her for the first time that her body now came with limitations to her happiness,

That the softness of her stomach,

And the wideness of her thighs

Made her unlovable,

unworthy

I watched in silence,

Saying nothing as he carved out a small amount of her soul.

And I knew she would never get it back

I’m So Sorry.

because that is not where I keep it.

It’s in my soul,

In my mind,

In every breath I take.

A core of steel runs through a body of flesh and blood,

And the spirit that keeps it going.

A quiet resilience, that the world has tried to break me of,

But failed.

So yes, burn me, hurt me, tear me apart,

Because at the end of it all,

I’m still breathing, aren’t I?

And I think you couldn’t stand

that I wanted you to let me save myself.

From a personality I did not like,

Someone I did not want to be.

It took so long,

So much time,

But every day, I saw changes.

Small, but slow,

they added up,

And even though I didn’t transform overnight,

I knew that the girl from a year ago was not the girl I am now.

I may be the girl from yesterday,

Or even the girl from a week ago,

But not the one I hated,

The one I fought every day for years to change.

I had shaved away the pieces of that girl,

Bit by bit,

Until she took the shape I wanted.

And because I had taken my time,

I had molded her slowly,

and made her someone I could love,

I knew that for me,

There was no going back.

I thought of you as someone you weren’t,

As someone I wanted you to be,

And I tore a hole in my chest,

in a shape you couldn’t hope to fill,

And looked to you with expectant eyes,

and greedy hands,

And asked you to break yourself apart to fill it.