stories for eternity

I couldn't help it. I ask obsessively. I ask until I've gone completely hurt as if it's happening already. But... Who says it's not yet happening?

I hate that I'm even at this point of doubting someone. I think, I have never felt this doubtful before. I have never felt this scared to risk something.

I don't want to stand in the way of your happy ending. I don't want to suddenly be an antagonist in a story that's been building up to be my answered prayer. But hey, it's an answered prayer in itself to know that the ending won't be us.

But what if it's us? I'm learning that relationships aren't made by building blocks of doubt and fear but of countless efforts of different blocks of love and care. I want to badly communicate and express to be honest. I've been saving up this big overwhelming love inside of me, reserved for the person I'll be with. And that's why I'll always choose to wait. Wait until there is a confirmation from our Great Orchestrator.

1. Lately, I'm learning to really see how crazy our emotions are.

I know they're crazy because I go from an all out love one day and immediately, just the next day after, I loathe you completely. It has become a game I played every morning, "What do I feel for you today?" I should've started recording, it would've probably been a good research study.

2. I'm also learning to discover a lot of insecurities about myself.

There's this huge acceptance I have for myself. Acceptance and even confidence all because of the identity I have in Christ. But the moment you came in, everything started to waver. I overthink most days. It sucks because you don't even know I have those. And yet, I know that it's more of getting to know myself. This isn't really about you. It's about me.

3. I often think about when will be the end of this. And how far gone I would've gotten myself into a deep pain and hurt.

I'm stating a fact. I wasn't in the picture before. It's just when you knew about how I felt that you started to really consider things. And this truth often wrecks me. My ideal way, shattered already. I couldn't imagine having feelings for someone whose feelings were just anchored to mine first. At the same time, I know that this means I'm highly skeptical of how you feel. And it reflects that I don't really trust how you feel for me. There I was, having my heart broken already. But I realized, although this is valid, there will never be any person that I should have fully trusted apart from the grace of God.

You've been so merciful and kind to me

I've done nothing to deserve it

I've done every reason for you to let me go

And yet, there you are, patiently waiting

I'm in awe of your faithfulness

I long to have a heart like Yours, so steadfast, immovable If only I am the same But I'm glad nevertheless For my frailty reminds me of You- Of a full, wholehearted surrender

Every time you reach to me like that, I waver. It may seem crazy and funny but I'm serious. I don't just want those bits and pieces. I want to be a part of your daily life. And that's why I'd rather take time to reply. I'd rather miss moments than witness my heart breaking again. I'm sorry I've become this girl who cowers at your presence. I've been wondering whether it's my fault. Have my feelings been so blurry and confusing, it make you ran away and back out? Have I lead you to really feel bad? Was it my fault? I've always thought and longed for someone who'd be willing to ask despite this type of my personality. I've always believed that if you really love someone, you won't be able to hold it in, you'd ask, you'd try. I didn't really knew it, but I was unconsciously waiting you'd come and try. It's okay. I'm glad you didn't. Because I got my answer nonetheless. I still believe for that someone who'll do it one day.

03.08.23 - THOUGHTS AFTER...

I don't want to feed it anymore. I want to be done with words that makes me feel so much emptiness, it entices me to be it too.

I want to feel the emotions and trash the words it speaks to my heart. I speak life instead, not in a I'm thinking positive way but a Life that is tangible and full. I wasn't made to be sorrowful. But to find joy in Him. Even if my situations and emotions says otherwise, there can be peace and joy. Because it's not something I make but something I know. Peace is a person.

Lately, I've been realizing this year feels like going back to 2017. The challenges and struggles are so nostalgic. Sometimes, I can feel the days whispering, "Make the right response this time." And most of the times, I just hear the lies just as how it once was, "You're never going to make it. What's the point of trying? Reaching? Expecting?"

I feel stuck and imprisoned. I keep forgetting who holds my past, present, and future. I keep relying on my own again. I keep allowing words to drown me.

Coffee, just thinking about it makes me want to soften up and feel comforted.

Rain, brings me to be in a posture of reflection and vulnerability. Like it's telling me to go, just wear your heart on your sleeves.

Long travel time, it soothes me. A time of the in between, to just be free.

Music, it guides my mood and emotions. It helps me figure out and to wake up.

Sunrise and breakfast, things that I look forward to. Probably because I rarely see them. I rarely have the energy to enjoy and be joyful about it.

Journaling and Word, it's an effort at times but it leads me to be more of a home and less of a hindrance. I'd like to be a walking home, not a wandering tent.

I was mourning for losing people this year. But I realized we lose people everyday.

Like how I lose my friends in the season we're in. We're never going to be like those days in our College, passionate, filled, and brave.

I've lost my siblings to maturity and age. They'll never going to be the babies I once knew them, innocent, frail, and pure.

I've lost many to distance and space. What was once so close, now needs a plane, boat, or a train. I got so used to seeing them everyday and now, we probably won't physically.

I've lost because my feelings changed. And what was once waiting and open became close and unbothered.

Seeing these things in a larger scale help me be comforted. This isn't the first or even second. I was losing all these time.

Here's to another attempt in storytelling and writing.

I spent so much time adoring just how beautiful your heart is, Spent so much time wondering if I'll even stand a chance with you, Spent so much time wanting for the feelings to just go away

And one day, it did. Without any notice, you just stopped to matter in my life. I don't have to be in a continuous cycle of being conscious around you. No longer does my heart writhes in pain at the mention of you and another woman.

I find it all funny instead. Funny, this whole thing of falling for someone, being in the middle of getting used to it and finally getting over it.

hearts were burning, declaring for every discouraged and weary, "Fan into flame!"

but on the other, a smoldering wick just snuffed only to burn the brightest with Him forever

meanwhile, an unlit candle remains balloons and presents, popped and opened wishes and dreams, oh where shall we go?

It lulls me to confort, brings me peace and assurance I didn't knew I was longing for. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture, but in simple ways of reminding that you're not alone.

Having someone just randomly stay while you get so busy with things you need to do. Having someone do things they knew you'd have no time to do.

If there's another form to fall, I think this is it. When someone just make the effort to fight and be there, to be so willing to be involved in your life.