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We were suppose to get through this together
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I was lost, I was lonely. You were there and I felt better, but we both knew it wouldn't last forever.
I gave you my all, but even I thought it was never enoughÂ
You're too worried about putting yourself in other people’s shoes that you forget to put yourself in your own shoes.Â
May 5, 2019
1:55 am
I want to just let it go, and I’m starting to feel that for it to happen I have to talk about it, but what happens if I’m not ready to talk about it? Where do I go from here? What happens next? Just sit here and do nothing while my body is in complete fight mode making it harder and harder to breathe? Where I feel as if I am the hulk ready to EXPLODE!!!!! Do I do those stupid, stupid tactics my therapist tells me to do when I am “spiraling down”. I don’t want to control my mind right now! I AM ANGRY! Why should I tell myself to breathe and start the 54321 method? Because when I start the 54321 method, I attached the 5 things I see right now to the hell story that is happening in my mind. Also, why do I have to control the thoughts coming into my head, I didn’t put them there....people did! PEOPLE that I trusted, put energy into, was a true friend to them were the ones who screwed me over! They are the ones who decided to do what was best for THEM. SELFISH. SELFISH. SELFISH.  FUCK
2:00 am
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February 23, 2019
Trying to talk to my parents about my anxiety is hard. Trying to get them to understand my anxiety is next to impossible. When I try to tell them, I don’t say point blank, “I am feeling/getting anxious” “I am/got triggered.” I tell them stories about my day. I tell them with a smile or some form of enthusiasm where I move my hands everywhere and as I am trying to tell them what happened/why I got/am anxious, my muscles tighten and my lungs feel less breathable. I try to tell them, but all they say, “ You can’t let that get to you” I want to SCREAM. I want to pound my fist in a cement wall because maybe then they will see the pain I feel when I let my thoughts get the better of me. They didn’t hear what I was saying as I was telling them my day. I showed my mom a youtube video from Button Poetry. “Mom! omg, watch this! Tell me you feel your chest tighten like I do when you see this!” (Press play) Mom is busy trying to make a word for her scrabble game on her phone with the music on...high. (Rewinds the videos and takes her phone out of her hand) “Listen, you already missed a good part”. She laughs. 20 seconds in, Jenna calls. Mom picks it up right away. “You're never going to believe what this bumble guy just did...SHHHHHH! I’m showing mom a video!” Video finishes..my mom says, “heavy”. “Mom didn't your chest tighten?! This is what I feel at night”. Said that with a smile on my face as well. Her response..”yea....so Jen, what happened?” That was it. Was left in my own thoughts, but wait, I’m not alone......”so Jen, tell me EVERYTHING! Why did the guy call you and not text you?! :)
They listen but do not hear me
i just felt that i should write something.
a year, it seems so long yet when i look back, it feels just as if it was, maybe not yesterday, but last week. a year back i was outside your doors. a year back i was able to die. a year back everything seemed so close, so small. one year makes a difference. just one year everything feels too different. the feelings faded, but its still there. i may think of you, but it doesnt hurt as much. i do wonder how youre doing, not due to habit but of pure concern. sometimes i still wonder, if you ever wonder about how im doing. if you are. i am doing great. i have found peace with how things ended up. i have decided to move on. i have been making wonderful changes to my lifestyle. i believe i have bettered myself. thank you. i hope youre doing fine as well, doing something you love. and too making the best of yourself. most importantly, i hope youre happy. thats all that matters. but the epitome of me writing this shows that i havent gotten over you. kinda contradicting. but im fine with it, shows how much you mattered, shows how much i cared. it shows what we had before was real. everything was real, was once real. at least i had it before. the true love everyones looking for, at least i could say, i have had it before. i may have lost it. but i have had it. i know. i know i had it. i definitely had it. it was real. and now that i know, how i hope it isnt in past tense.
It's hard... But it's okay.. This will too pass away
Self
