#thewhen

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Anyways I then once got to the appropriate age of being sexually active and all of a sudden I just wasn’t into it. I never really wanted nor had a partner through high school, 1 if we want to count it. Never had any little childhood imaginary wedding or relationship with my mum friends children like in the movies or books.

I had my attractions to same-sex as well as the opposite sex. Had my casual hook ups, especially after I turned 18 and the drinking genre come into play.

As for sex, that came at a later age for me then most my friends and even family. But you know what, I was okay with that. It wasn’t anything fancy, it wasn’t with anyone I even had a connection with. Or to come to think about it, with someone who’s name I knew. To be honest I’m okay with that, I don’t think I will ever have that sexual connection with anyone ever.

I honestly have come to the conclusion that I would end up alone haha, I mean I’m 30 and in my group of friends and even my family. I am the single one, always have been. Even when I was with someone recently for 2 years, I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship half the time. Just that I had a companion to do things with. Which I was okay with also.

A-Sexual, is my main label, that I gave myself. It’s the only one that I have bothered to look into and makes me feel like “yup that could be me”. Haha so that’s that. But I mean I guess, in terms of other labels you could consider me Bi-Sexual? Pan-Sexual? Poly? hahaha OMG I should google more.

No but seriously, how does one feel happy with sexuality, or being sexual. Is this one of those I need to love myself first problems. I don’t, don’t think I ever could lol. I used too. But then I guess something changed that and I’ve just been looking for it back ever since.

I have once when I was younger thought that maybe I was just born the wrong sex and that’s why I can’t find someone that I am sexually attracted to or have a connection with. I then realised that is not who I am, I am certain that I am happy and want to be female, but am unsure of who or what I may be sexually attracted too. But then maybe that person has crossed my path in a way and I just haven’t been given the chance, or someone has destroyed any chance I had with that person, etc.

I ramble on when I type, I guess it’s also because I haven’t had anyone really to talk to lately.

I’ll keep holding on to the fact that maybe there is someone out there that would understand me, that would want me, that would find me attractive and make me feel that way about myself too. Someone that I can do lame and boring things with like puzzles or tea shopping. Or someone who also would like to step out sometimes and do controlled crazy things that we could lose ourselves but find ourselves and each other in.

I know I’m not a bad person and I know I can surprise people. I just wish someone was willing to give me that chance like I am willing to give.