#thematureapprentice

Anyways I then once got to the appropriate age of being sexually active and all of a sudden I just wasn’t into it. I never really wanted nor had a partner through high school, 1 if we want to count it. Never had any little childhood imaginary wedding or relationship with my mum friends children like in the movies or books.

I had my attractions to same-sex as well as the opposite sex. Had my casual hook ups, especially after I turned 18 and the drinking genre come into play.

As for sex, that came at a later age for me then most my friends and even family. But you know what, I was okay with that. It wasn’t anything fancy, it wasn’t with anyone I even had a connection with. Or to come to think about it, with someone who’s name I knew. To be honest I’m okay with that, I don’t think I will ever have that sexual connection with anyone ever.

I honestly have come to the conclusion that I would end up alone haha, I mean I’m 30 and in my group of friends and even my family. I am the single one, always have been. Even when I was with someone recently for 2 years, I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship half the time. Just that I had a companion to do things with. Which I was okay with also.

A-Sexual, is my main label, that I gave myself. It’s the only one that I have bothered to look into and makes me feel like “yup that could be me”. Haha so that’s that. But I mean I guess, in terms of other labels you could consider me Bi-Sexual? Pan-Sexual? Poly? hahaha OMG I should google more.

No but seriously, how does one feel happy with sexuality, or being sexual. Is this one of those I need to love myself first problems. I don’t, don’t think I ever could lol. I used too. But then I guess something changed that and I’ve just been looking for it back ever since.

I have once when I was younger thought that maybe I was just born the wrong sex and that’s why I can’t find someone that I am sexually attracted to or have a connection with. I then realised that is not who I am, I am certain that I am happy and want to be female, but am unsure of who or what I may be sexually attracted too. But then maybe that person has crossed my path in a way and I just haven’t been given the chance, or someone has destroyed any chance I had with that person, etc.

I ramble on when I type, I guess it’s also because I haven’t had anyone really to talk to lately.

I’ll keep holding on to the fact that maybe there is someone out there that would understand me, that would want me, that would find me attractive and make me feel that way about myself too. Someone that I can do lame and boring things with like puzzles or tea shopping. Or someone who also would like to step out sometimes and do controlled crazy things that we could lose ourselves but find ourselves and each other in.

I know I’m not a bad person and I know I can surprise people. I just wish someone was willing to give me that chance like I am willing to give.

My depression has been kept well hidden and well out of sight for quiet some time now, but up until about 28 days ago, I don’t think I’ve felt this bad in about 10 years. I have never openly talked about my feelings to anyone, nor have I ever had professional help.

After getting back my ultrasound results that week, I consulted my GP to see if it would be best if I were to go on medication or seek someone to talk to. So he suggested a therapist first and depending on how that goes, next would be medication. I have never been on any sort of medication so I ain’t too sure how I feel about that. Once I was put on a waiting list and still am, to be able to talk to a therapist I felt a little free and finally turned to my best friend and told him that I was depressed.

Nothing really came out of it and I guess I really did expect a little more, like sit me down and talk to me about whats going on with me. I mean I have been there for him through quiet a lot, but then I guess we both have been there for each other, we have been friends for 20 years. I don’t know.

I did tell him about the incident and the cops and a little bit more, he couldn’t believe it to be honest. I guess neither can I still. I don’t know, I’m still struggling with everything, I fought so long and so hard to be in the position that I am now. But today I just feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago, I don’t know if this is for me anymore, I’m back to drinking every weekend away, to being spontaneous and stupid or brave which ever.

I have cried every night, cried myself to sleep, if I’ve slept. If not then I’m at work for 9 to 10 hours, but awake for 24. I mean what I’m doing feels comfortable, makes me feel like I’m alive, makes me feel like I am truly living. But then I feel so empty, so used, abused, lied to, broken, like my life doesn’t mean anything anymore.

I  honestly don’t know if I’m going to wake up tomorrow and I feel that way everyday the past 28 days.

I will get to everything in due time and my blog will fill out more with pictures and art once…. once I catch up to my NOW.

We started of friends in different towns, to long distance, to dating in the same town, to almost living together, to nothing. The shit I found out he was doing while dating me, almost destroyed me. The manipulating bastard.

You see my Ex and I started in 2016, High School friends to dating. 2017 was such a big year for us, moving finding new jobs. It was already annoying because he was living in the city but then had to move home for about 10 months before we both found a job again.

My relationship with him was platonic, we are both a-sexual beings trying for something more. We were rarely intimate and when we were I don’t think I can really explain that. This was my longest relationship I have ever tried for, I could never find an attachment to someone that made sense.

So I settled and I think that will be the last time I try that. It’s hard to write this blog because I don’t know if I should include what he did here or just write another blog for that. I don’t even know if one blog on that alone would be enough to cover everything.

We ended up moving to the city, we both got new jobs, he an IT Engineer and me, an Apprentice Fabricator. With nowhere to stay during about a 5 month period, I stayed at my best friends house on a blow up bed and he stayed on the floor of my Cousins house.

With these places being on different sides of the city, we rarely had any time for each other. Maybe a couple of hours on the weekend or a quick dinner somewhere central. 5 months, this went on for, we had a break over Christmas from work, but didn’t get any time for each other. I went back to my parents and spent Christmas with them and the siblings and he did the same.

At the end of January in 2018 I found my own place, moved my fur child to the city and am to this day still moving in. He ended up getting a unit on the west side of the city a couple of weeks later. Why we didn’t move in together? well I felt like I was only really getting to start living my life and I really wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.

I had to commit to 12 hours of work 6 days a week and he had a 8 hr job 7 days a week. There really wasn’t any time to commit to that kind of relationship, let a lone energy after getting home from work, I barely have time to cook myself dinner, let a lone support another person.

We kept it pretty casual, he was a good guy. He gave me attention when I needed it, cuddle when I wanted and food when I was hungry haha. I was never worried about the fact we had no time for each other or would he find someone else or even be “involved” with someone. But I guess I was wrong about that as we will come to see.

19 days, it’s been a long, tiresome, crazy, mind opening 19 days. Since we broke up, since everything happened, since I’ve realised how I really should be living my life. We had dinner the other week though and well that broke me. Everything he told me he did and what had happened, I just can’t deal.

I think we will remain friends at some point, I mean he did share the same values and sexuality as me which made me feel like I wasn’t the only one even more so then I know I’m not. He has to go to court in the coming up weeks, because well I was mad and now he is paying for it.

My Dad. I could never please my dad, he always expected way to much from me. We would always bite each others head off on nearly everything because we just would never see eye to eye. I am very fortunate regardless of those facts. He at one stage in my life wanted to help me out when the mining towns were booming. He got a loan put it all in my name and built me my first house. A lot of people could not say that their father has done anything like that for them. Unfortunately the boom died the house is barely making market and he has got himself in more debt than he can handle. I guess if I was a better daughter at the time when it was booming and didn’t sneak off to the city and live there for a year on the money the house was making. He wouldn’t be in such a pickle. But then again, it’s not entirely my fault and to this day I have nothing to do with it at all. We still don’t see eye to eye but over the last couple of months I no longer care, I’m just trying to finally live my life and get by.

My Mum. She is a beautiful lady and most of my friends love her. She had a really tough upbringing in her third world country that I try not to make things too hard for her. But I feel over the past 3 years she has gotten a little out of control and demands money from everyone in the family like it’s falling off trees. I think she raised me right, harsh but right. But even though I am forever scared by her methods and the world that I was brought up in, I can be the bigger person and understand she didn’t know any better and that was how she was raised. Some times I miss her, till she’s in my face and wants to go shopping, then I’m just like oh HELL NO haha.

My little sister. We were never close growing up, I guess I always envied that she was skinnier than I was. But other than that she was just much more a free spirit and had no dramas at all being in the top popular crowds and having nearly all the guys wanting her, even my closest guy friends, which I’m not going to lie, sucked! Half the time I just felt used so they could get close to her, but I know that’s noy what she wanted. I feel like she may have hated me for being in my shadow at school and being always known as my little sister. But we have gotten closer over the years and I adore her more than ever, I am proud of who she has become and the relationship she has been able to achieve with her partner.

My brother. When my parents decided my brother was a decent age they thought they would travel more. I felt like I took him under my wing and raised the kid myself, so it’s safe to say that we’ve always been close. He is a great looking sensitive guy and I’m absolutely proud of the man he has become and the position he is at in life at the moment. Although he is suffering depression, I’m even more proud that he asked for help instead of bottling it all up. I mention that because this small mining town he is living in has had at least 1 suicide every 3 years from men his age. It’s hard on all of us, because it is a small community and even if you left it you still knew or grew up or know of that person. I wish he would leave the town but for now it is where he wants to be and he is getting paid generously.

My adopted cousins. We no longer have communication with them. After all my family did, put them in High School, fed, clothed, their own bedrooms, a house and the opportunity to earn for a better life. They both decided to screw over my dad with a lot of things and mainly money, so I guess my cousins felt like it was the right thing to not only cut of my parents from their lives but my siblings and I as well. Last I heard karma caught up with them in more ways than one.

My friends. Are always a hit and a miss, it’s hard for me to make friends. But when I am friends with someone except me to stick around for life. My longest friendship is going on 20+ years and I honestly wouldn’t know if I ever were to lose him as a friend. My other friendships are clouded by distance really, I don’t get to see them as much as I would like to, which also makes me not really not keep in contact either. I mean I found out my friends of 10ish years separated this year, when I would not know, but like the fact I wasn’t there for them for that, when I’ve already been through so much already with them. Kinda sucks, but there are times when I kinda felt left out by them as well. I’m a very soft heart person, my heart is on the edge of my sleeve every time I invest myself into someone no matter what the relationship. Which is a very bad quality for me, but I mean at least they know what they’re in for from the get go.

Centrelink and it’s outrageous work for the dole conditions are a joke. Like it’s not really but then it is. It’s great that you had something to do for 6 months of the year, but then you had 6 months of the year to do shit all and bulge on the dole.

So my first commitment was Lifeline, loved it and would totally do it again in the future. I loved the conversations I would have with such a selective bunch. Not to mention they would always complement my hair haha, I would have pinks and purples and bright reds, it was exciting. By like 2 months in I was pretty much left in charge of a lot of things and that was great. I like that I can excel in things that I enjoy. I started to come in earlier and sometimes stayed later, I was excellent on the shop floor. Sorting out furniture and receiving goods, give me that any day. The sad thing was I was in a town with the highest unemployment, so getting a real job just like it was greatly difficult.

I stuck on after my 6 months and did a full year with them, until Centrelink decided I should do a course. So the following 6 months I had to do a Certificate 3 in Customer Engagement. Which was a piss easy course and could easily do it in my sleep. We pretty much did data entry work and Microsoft Word and Excel shit. I ended up the quiet person in my class but I am always like that, I like to get my work done. In the end I opened up a little and started helping elder people who got stuck with the course on how to use computers lol. That I didn’t mind so much, I guess it’s just my parents that I hate helping with that stuff haha.

Eventually I got shoved into a Business that was doing I guess unpaid work for organisations in town. We created Menus and Banners and all sorts. I enjoyed that. We also had to start every morning by looking for jobs to apply for. I was spamming the shit out of all and any jobs in any State and town. I just wanted something I knew I would be good at.

During that time I started talking with a guy, we hit it off we had a lot of things in common. He didn’t live where I did, so it was basically online for a brief period till he started visiting. I enjoyed his company, I think the best thing about it was that we are both asexual, so there was no pressure to full fill any sexual desires and just simply spent time together so that we weren’t as a lone as we were.

Near the end of 2017, I was getting spam with job interviews. The only problem was that they were out in the city which was a long drive. I did this a couple of times till the last time my partner and I stayed a weekend in the city at a hotel. I had been invited to have a walk through of a business, had a face to face with the guy I previously had a phone interview with. Next thing you know I was having a Medical for the job and I think it was about 2 days and I was just about to set back off home when I got the call I had the job. I had no idea what I was going to do.

I had no house, no bed or nowhere really to stay, let alone a place to bring my partner with me. I ended up staying at my best friends house that week while I convinced my cousins to let my partner crash in their lounge. I think the next 3 months where a disaster. We were house hunting, while trying to deal with my redonkulous work hours and the fact he needed to decide what he was going to do. He couldn’t sleep at my cousins forever.

He eventually got a job in Computer Engineering which came with quiet a package, car, mobile all that jazz. Which left him heaps to get his own place. He asked me to move in but I wasn’t really ready for that. So I continued to stay at my mates house till a couple of days before Christmas. When I finally went back home it was a god send, didn’t have to deal with work or my partner cause he flew to his parents for the weeks we had off.

It was a cute Christmas, my friends came and hung with my crazy Asian family. They were not going to lie quiet a handful. But I guess I am kinda used to it, it was also great to see my beautiful siblings. My siblings were also in a great spot. I think it was the first Christmas ever where we all had decent jobs and were in an okay place in life.

I guess after Christmas wasn’t that great. I went back to the big smoke and started working again, still sleeping at my mates house on his couch. I saw my partner like briefly over the weekends. Our lives got so complicated so fast. My mate finally turned around to me and said “that’s it, we are going to fake a break up with me and my partner and you can I can look for a place together”. I was absolutely in awe about this, I could have never asked for a better best friend them him, I mean 20+ years of knowing each other and still going strong. Just between you and me, my mother wanted me to marry him haha. Lucky for him he has been in a beautiful relationship with a gorgeous man for 7 years.

After School I hung around in town a little, tried to find some work in the Coal Mines but was very unsuccessful and was really tired of just going to house party after house party after house party.

My social life was amazing, I drank, I went to pubs, I made new friends and new old friends. But I was still lonely and had nothing exciting happening with my life. I hooked up with a few guys, made out with a few girls from school. But nothing ever blossomed.

Before a mate went off to the army, we were upstairs drunk and remade a mates MYSPACE page into like Disney princess shit and changed his name and password. It was pretty funny at the time, till it was all pinned on me like. Like OKAY. I think my life in that town went extremely down hill after that. Everyone was saying I was obsessed and shit with this guy cause of doing that and everything, but like OKAY, why wasn’t I that obsessed when he went out with my little sister? Right. Anyways lost more friends that week. Glad to say my best friend to this day stuck by me and knew the truth that it wasn’t JUST me!

I then moved, went to TAFE, studied Information Technology for about 2 years before falling out of that. I lost all my passion in technology, from shit like my parents always asking to do the most basic shit like the printer needing to be reinstalled. Or like my father busting his motherboards over and over, even on $1000 computers that I built him. TO THIS DAY, I still cop shit about doing their technology based bullshit. YEAHNAH.

I moved back home and worked in mainstream Subway for a couple of months. I remember this one night I was walking home with my best friend and he FINALLY came out to me. I was so blessed that I was the first person he told. Yet so hurt that night too because he was so sad and was in a relationship with his High School girlfriend that he felt trapped in that relationship. Because It was still not that OKAY to be gay in 2008.

He ended up relocating to the city and I stayed behind in the small town, which was okay I guess he had his life and I had mine. While I was at TAFE I turned down a job in the mines because my Mum guilt tripped me into the fact that the money that was used for that education was what my Granddad left me. LIKE OKAY BUT MONEY CAN COME BACK WITH A GOOD PAYING JOB FUCK. Anyways, I would probably still be stuck in that town now if I did take that job and wouldn’t have met the people I have in my life that I do today so that’s okay.

I ended up coping shit again for that whole MYSPACE thing, like someone in that town was out to get me or was jealous of the friendship that I have with guys in my home town. Like girl we just friends, you dating them. I’d rather be doing what you’re doing with my friends  HA! Anyways I’m not butt sore at all <.< no okay totally was. I hated that everyone was hating on me for something I would never do, never had the time to do cause let’s face it I was a party girl, I was either wasted on someone lap or in a gutter living up my life right.

I had my information put on a dating site at one stage, wasn’t me that’s for sure. Cause it wasn’t going to my email address or phone number haha. But hey glad to be out there I think? The internet was such a bitch of a place back then, it still is NOW am I right!?

I think the only time that I sat on the internet so much during these early 20 years would be with gaming! I lived in the gaming world, my N64, my PS2, my XBOX, my WOW accounts loool. Never really made any friendships out of my short gaming career though so it’s not like I sat online to talk to people. Just to beat them and listen to guys whine about how high-pitched my voice was and how sad they were about losing against a girl. That was the best, beat by a girl. Like blergh.

I ended up moving to another small town but closer to the city. Did nothing for a couple of year except try hard to get into Mechanics or Engineering or WHATEVER MEN DID jobs. A lot of girls were having break through within the industry so I thought I would have another crack at it. But no luck.

This MYSPACE thing started following me too, it would freak me out. But that’s the interweb, that’s the information you choose to share online. I hated it. It made me so depressed. Like don’t even get me started on catfishing. I can’t believe that was an actual thing for people to do like it was a cool trend. I dated someone for a whole 2 years that ended up catfishing me. I found the real person though and it hit me hard I ended up attempting suicide over it.

I don’t think anyone really understands the damage something that might be a joke or so small like that can be on someone. Someone being so vulnerable and letting a complete stranger into their lives like that. UGH!

Let’s get into High School. Fuck me sideways what a waste of 4 years that was. If I knew better then I would have just quit school and worked my life away to be in a better position then I am right now.

Again my socialising skills were just as much the same throughout High School, the drifter, floater, lone wolf. I would spend a week sitting at one group of people while talking and sitting with others during classes. I liked it this way, it made sitting with others during classes. I liked it this way, it made me feel like I fit in with everyone, but I guess that wasn’t really true.

Teachers put me down just as much as students did. I really enjoyed some of my studies but never really put my heart into it, I would say I’m kicking myself on not going further with Japanese and Graphics, maybe even Chemistry. I was good at it, but I guess just didn’t want to push myself and let myself down and not have anything my parents could be more disappointed in, even though they never really supported me?. My art Teacher told me I suck at art, because it wasn’t I guess pretty and neat and relevant. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Art is literally in the eye of the beholder, you can not say any art is not art, art is mother fucking art. Yeah okay, I’m mad yet again and I guess it doesn’t really matter. Because to this day I enjoy doing some sketch work here and there, which I hope to share through my blog. Whether it be art or not that does not matter, it’s not like I want to be famous for it. It’s just something I know I’m good at and enjoy doing when I’m down or lonely.

Girls got way to bitchy and stuck up through the years in High School, it was always who was dating the hottest, who is the hottest, who was dating the older popular guy. Like really if you “Popular” kids look back on that now, was that worth everything, was it so fucking important that you had to almost throw your “friends” under the bus for. I grew up in a small town and lets face it almost everyone was everyone’s sloppy seconds.

I think I was in year 9 before I got my first boyfriend, it was a secret, My siblings and I weren’t allowed to date till we “graduated”. He was cute, tall, into basketball, it was cute I guess. To be frank I wasn’t really into the whole relationship thing, having to sit with them on lunches and go meet up just to hang and what not. I remember one night we went out got drunk and we were on the ground out the front of public toilets with me straddling his lap and he was like “let’s fuck right here you’ll be my first”, so fucking flattering lol. We did not, I got up and went to be wild with the group instead haha, leave them wanting more right. One day we just stopped dating, no one really broke up with anyone. This guy is now married with a child, buddy you’re still dating me HOW DARE YOU?! :P

I think another milestone for me not trusting men and being who I am was around age 15. My cousin had his mate over, both around 20 years old. They were under our high set house drinking and playing games. I had to run outside and grab some clothes off the line. I was 15 care free and honestly wearing a sports bra and shorts around the house is not  BAD, even with guests or visitors over. So I did my thing and started to head back upstairs, but on my way up the stairs this guy calls me over. I asked him why and he replied with he just wanted to talk, 15-year-old me didn’t see any harm in that. So I sat on the stair and he sat next to me and started asking question. “How old are you?”, “How’s school?”, I didn’t think much of it so I entertained the idea and answered his question. At some moment he decided it was okay to reach over and place his hands on my breast, I simply froze. I did not know what to do at this stage, then suddenly he was leaning in to kiss me. Right then and there I refused and he tried again with more force, but I shoved him, stood up and went back inside.

That night I crawled into bed and could just hear my cousin and his mate laughing under or close too my bedroom. I was scared and slightly paralysed, my mind forcing scenario after scenario. What if he came upstairs when everyone fell asleep?. What if I fall asleep?. All the what if’s a creative 15 years old could think of. I stayed up all night that night. He went home and nothing came of it. I never said a word to my cousin till this day, I think I may have mentioned this to two people my entire life so far. I now guess I share it all with the interweb too.

Year 10 this girl moved to town and we were pretty close, we were friends till I wrote her a letter probably 8 months of hanging out, that I thought she was beautiful. From then on I was the “FAT DYKE” at school. Such a great label, but I was still talking and hanging out with everyone. I lost some friends here and there over the years but eh I can tell you one friend I lost, I crossed paths with at a LGBTQ Club and she pashed me…… GROSS. I say that in the way that I did not want that to happen nor did I like this person or find them remotely attractive, but glad she got that out of her system? Oh lord the flash backs, she had a lip sore too! HAHA okay stop.

Through out High School I was out most nights drinking, smoking, trying weed. My parents didn’t really seem to care till it was my younger siblings doing the same thing. I would sneak out and go to adult houses with friends, they would feed us alcohol and whatever else. Pretty sure one of my friends were sleeping with one of them now that I come to think about it. I didn’t really care what they did to be honest, it was their life choice just like it was mine to join in on the drinking.

My grades dropped dramatically through my Senior years. I dropped out of so many classes and changed them to simpler ones. Even with the easier classes I just ended up passing High School. I wanted to go into Uni at one point in my life, I wanted to be an Archaeologist, boy that would have been a dream. I’ve always wanted to invent or discover something in my life, I don’t think that will ever happen now.

In year 10 I took a big leap for woman in my town, this was 2003. Woman working in the man’s industry was still not okayish. I did a weeks work experience as a Mechanic. When I first applied for this to be my weeks experience I got all kinds of questions like, “why do you want to do that”, “blah blah would be much better for you”. What kind of shit is that! Let a kid dream and be who they want to be, fuck.

This lady that I saved my first kitten from (she had to get rid of them or her husband was going to drown them), gave me free steel cap work boots because she was all like “yeah woman power, you go girl”, when I told her what I was doing. The workshop was near her store so I went in on my lunch breaks to play with her cat and hang out and tell her all the things I was doing (cleaning) lol.

I think year 10 was the biggest year, I feel like so much happened that year than any other one. The more I think about it, there just so much that was life changing. Like I lost a lot of girl friends, because of my “fat dyke” era. My best guy friend started dating a girl which ended up being a 8 year relationship. My father had a heart attack and survived thank god. My little sister told me she wanted me out of her life from stopping her from hooking up with a guy over 18 years of age. So many mile stones and I still feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I know I met my first huge crush in year 10 and kept it to myself for years, never said anything about it. Even when he dated my little sister. All my guy friends wanted my little sister, I don’t blame them, she is beautiful and skinny and everything society would label as what a woman should be like.