#systemhelp

long story short and a summary of visit:

Mom filled out a little paper w me of history stuff. had to lie to her and say no for “suicide attempts?” and “ever physically/emotionally/sexually abused?” boxes (i shrugged for the second one, thinking of abuse from parents. mom asked if id ever been sexually abused and didnt talk about it. i lied and said no)

Mom said she would sit in for “just the beginning of the appointment” and was there for 2/3 of it. Considering she’s sat in on all of my appointments recently (even when i ask her not to) and said the same thing n stayed the whole time each time, that’s an improvement i guess.

Psychiatrist lady assumed immediately and took as FACT that any depression i experience is comorbid ADHD/anxiety and feeling i “dont contribute enough to the world”. before i got to talk about anything else. she was putting words in my mouth.

I mentioned wanting to be taken to a psych hospital in the summer bc i wanted to commit suicide. parents didnt let me go. after this i finally got to switch to a less stressful school.

Just like every other appointment with mom in the last month, we talked almost exclusively about addressing ADHD and getting it so I get things done, etc etc. I asked multiple times if we could talk about something else. Any time she asked if I wanted my mom to leave, I said “yeah, unless there’s anything else you really need to talk with her about” (as in medicine she prescribed, etc)

Psychiatrist asked if I always “shut down” every time a topic “gets too much” for me “like now”. I said no. It’s just this. Because it’s extremely irritating.

They still kept talking about fixing my ADHD until I broke down in tears, saying “Can we please talk about something else. We’ve been here for an hour and I haven’t gotten to talk about anything I need to actually talk about and we’ve talked about THIS every fucking day for two weeks.”

So mom leaves, and I bring out my notes (I’d written many symptoms I experience, specifically written that I do not experience hallucinations but I have experienced intense delusions before, though not very recently). Psychiatrist reads over em, asks if intrusive thoughts in the form of images are something i SEE. I said no. They’re just images in my head, thoughts and visualizations I can’t get out.

She asked if verbal intrusive thoughts/impulsive suggestions/etc were actual voices I heard. I said no. It’s just something I experience as thoughts.

Finally she looks at my DID checklist of symptoms, all pulled from a little screening test in a post, that was based off of the DSM-5. 

She skims over some statements from each alter, just saying name, sometimes age, etc. I say that they’re the alters and all. She asks, and I fucking QUOTE, “are. are these the people who.... who speak to you in your brain?”

She asks if alters are more like “imaginary friends”. No.

She asks if I “possibly made them up just to cope in a stressful time?” No.

She asks if I hear voices. No.

She asks if I “think these people are real”. I say yes, they are real people but just. not physical beings and all.

Psychiatrist gets up to write a prescription. I guess it’s an antispychotic pill. she says “I’m going to prescribe you [medicine name here]” and pauses. “it’s an antipsychotic that should help with your symptoms.”

I ask if she thinks I had DID, and she gives the MOST confusing strain of responses where her viewpoint seems to change greatly.

Conversation on her stance(s) on DID:

Her: “Well, if you look at MPD and Dissociative disorders in the 70s and 80s, they researched it and debunked it, and people don’t really have them.” 

(This is the point where she prescribes the antipsychotic, which i later say i’d rather not have. i didnt say the reasons, but it included that my mom would ask about it)

Me: “So do you just. Not believe that DID exists then?”

Her: “Well, no, MPD is what it was, and they said that doesn’t really exist. DID is something different though. And you know, some people, especially with creative minds like yours, can make things up in times of stress to cope”

Me: ”Okay, so are you not going to look into the actual other symptoms at least though? Like, I’m aware dissociation can be a common symptom of ADHD but I struggle with it a lot more than I think is normal and there are large chunks of my memory missing pretty often”

(she just..... nods in response and then walks back to her little notepad with prescription and other info. she’s appearing to try to rush to finish the conversation, and sort of has seemed that way since my mom left the room)

Her: “Well, yknow, you’re under 18, so I’m not doing to stick the label of DID on you right now, and it’s kind of unusual and frowned upon to give someone this young that diagnosis. But hey, once you meet that magical number in two years, you can get it checked out more.

And it’s not a diagnosis I give very often, so I have to look more into the diagnostics of it. Then we can see if medicine helps, or if you do need to be put in a hospital.”

She honestly by the very end sounded like she meant putting me in a hospital because I’m “dangerous”. In addition, I overall feel extremely invalidated.

I plan to talk with my mom tomorrow because my friend is over for the weekend and can help me talk, and explain to her the full situation and how I feel, but I don’t know if anyone has any advice? Especially considering that my mom may side with the psychiatrist. 

On a side note, I see my psychiatrist in 3 weeks, on the 18th. and i see my therapist on the 10th.