#system integration

I'm still terrified of being the new host. I'm still terrified what healing means for us. I'm still terrified that we'll never love ourselves. I'm terrified that I'll remain unrecognizable to myself. I'm terrified. But I know we'll only continue to feel miserable if I don't do anything.

photo has alt text, plain text under cut + irl notebook image for fun

none of us have written poetry in months. no part of me specifically has ever written anything. i've just realized tonight another person i integrated with and even though i have their memories i still feel more Naveen than i feel like either of them.

just felt like sharing i suppose. obligatory "this is my experience and yours very well may differ"

Every system is unique, and many systems did not choose to be this way! For some, fusion is the best way to ensure health, safety, and happiness for that individual. And for many others, integration is how a system can find self love, compassion, and acceptance. This post is for people who find themselves in these situations!

Quite often in system spaces, there is a romanticization of distinct alters, dissociative barriers, and fully separate parts. Unfortunately for many systems, this is not a beneficial or realistic way to visualize healing and recovery. While many systems do choose to remain fully separate, and find that this way of life suits them best, this cannot be said for all systems.

Whether your system hopes for partial fusion or integration, or a full fusion and complete integration, please know that these are all perfectly healthy and normal choices for you and your system to make. Fusion does not “kill alters,” you are not “forcing headmates into dormancy” or “destroying your system” by choosing this path. While it is true that fusion is not best for everyone and every system has differing, individual needs, it’s also true that a significant percentage of systems do find peace, healing, and recovery through full integration or final fusion.

Please know that if you do find yourself in this situation, you will never be barred from our community. Even if you are a singlet who once identified as plural, you are still a vital and important member of the plural community. Your stories and experience can provide hope to many struggling systems who are where you once were. You will always be able to provide a unique perspective, and we value your presence in our spaces.

Regardless of how far along the integration process you are or hope to one day be, we care about you, we love you, and we want the very best for you! Only you, your system, and your mental health providers can truly understand and decide which recovery path is the best to take. We’re rooting for you, and we’re here for you, now and in the future - no matter what it holds for you and your system!

If you are struggling and are curious about integration, please reach out to a therapist or mental health professional. Additionally, you might benefit from these resources:

Understanding Integration by Rachel Downing (a trauma survivor and integrated person with DID)

Cooperation, Integration, and Fusion from DID-Research.org

Structural Dissociation Discussion by System Speak (while this is only a discussion article, it provides insight into what integration actually is and how its meaning can be commonly misunderstood in plural spaces)

Day Three: What are your thoughts on integration? Do you wish to integrate?

Note: For the purpose of this question, “integration” refers to final fusion.

For the first three years of knowing I had DID, I was adamantly opposed to integration. No matter how much people assured me that you didn’t lose anything and it was a positive experience, I felt like it was the same as my death and the deaths of all of the other alters, and that we would just be replaced by some new person. This (understandably) terrified me. I found even the mention of it to be confronting and upsetting, and I refused to seriously consider it or talk about it in therapy.

For the past few years I have been on a downward trajectory. My symptoms have become increasingly difficult to deal with. In January I had to be hospitalized, and at that point I realized that something had to give. What I was doing just wasn’t working. I went on disability and have been focusing on rest and recovery since March.

And a few months ago for a few beautiful days the recovery work I was doing led to something of an epiphany. For a few days (I’m not sure how long but less than a week) I was the only one fronting. But instead of feeling lost and alone and reaching out to find no one there, it felt...good. When I reached out instead of emptiness I found warmth. My head felt clearer than it had in years. They were there, kind of, but they weren’t separate the same way they usually are. I felt...free? And it seemed to be something of a sneak preview of what integration might be like. When everyone came back we talked a lot about integration with each other and with our therapist, and we have pretty much decided to make integration our long term goal.