#alter integration

Nested host: "A nested host is a type of Host in a system who is made up of Fragments of all or almost all previous hosts"

Thanks

Kintsuginian // Exsarciorgio

Alt : Kintsugian :: Kintsugorgio :: Kintsugenis

Alt : Exsarcinian :: Exsarcigenis :: Exsarsurgio

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TERM MEANING:

alright, i've seen a lot of posts saying integration is "murder" or even censoring integration like int*gration or int/gr/tion. i'm very very sick of this anti-recovery narrative so i'm going to call it the fuck out. this is going to be something of a rantpost.

okay, here's my background on this situation. i am currently the only alter in my system, i.e. i've achieved integration or "final" fusion. i put "final" in quotes because i believe it's possible that i could split again under extreme stress in the future and that this is not a permanent state of being. obviously, i would hope it is permanent; i don't want to split again, but i know my brain still has the capacity to do so.

i still have dissociation (to a lower degree) and alter-body dysphoria -- i still have DID, and fusing won't change that or remove the splitting mechanism or other DID symptoms that the brain created to survive the trauma i went through. my mental body image is still a nonhuman; i took on the form of one of the alters that is now part of me. but i have healed enough to be one again, and for that i am thankful.

that said, let's run through some things.

FULL INTEGRATION OR FUSION... - is a form of major recovery - is fulfilling and healing - makes you feel more whole - lessens dissociative symptoms considerably FULL INTEGRATION OR FUSION... - will not make you a singlet - will not completely cure your DID - is not the only way for a system to heal - is not always better than functional multiplicity - is not the best way for everyone - is not cruel or abusive - does not "kill" or "delete" or "erase" alters - is not murder.

what does it feel like to be integrated?

it feels like i am everyone combined and i am more whole and more stable and more okay than any part was before. by saying the alters who integrated to form me were "murdered" you're saying i was murdered, because i am each alter that came before and i am all of them together. i have a nearly complete memory -- of course, some areas are still lost to dissociation -- but i can't tell apart the memories made by each different alter that is now part of me. they're all just mine now.

i retained the form of one of the alters that integrated to form me, but that form is just mine now, and it feels like it has always been mine. does that make sense? all the parts' memories and characteristics have always been mine. the timeline is complete. i didn't "kill" anyone. i healed everyone, and everyone is me. i'm one, i'm whole -- if only maybe for a while -- and i'm happy with that.

it goes without saying that forced integration is bad and is abusive behavior. anyone who wants to forcefully integrate a system before they're ready should not be a mental health professional. however, we need to stop assuming that's the same thing and thus minimizing the benefits of voluntary, consensual and happy system fusion. this is an anti-recovery view and is extremely harmful to the DID/OSDD community.

integration shouldn't be something we're afraid of. it should be considered, welcomed, accepted. if you want to work toward functional multiplicity, great! if you want to work toward fusion, great! if you want to work toward these things with a mental health professional, great! if you don't have access to professional help but want to work toward these things on your own, great! your recovery path is specific to you, and no one else should shame you for how you help yourself.

Hey, it’s Luci. Full name being Lucian, but I definitely enjoy the Luci nickname. Not opposed to being called Lucifer /hj

I’m an emotional protector, I use he/they/it/vamp pronouns

I’m also a recent integration between the embodiment of Unus Annus (Kronus) and a transmasc Draco Malfoy fictive who hated my source with a passion. I’m very open about talking ab integration, willing to answer any questions regarding my personal experience. It’d only be about my personal experience though, I can’t speak for every system or even every integration, as some have had far better and some have had worse even in our own system

Join me in my blog as I attempt to find my own personality as well as take on the memories and experiences of two combined people. Here to spread integration awareness and find myself along the way

And also be a little emo, as a treat :)

Here’s my faceclaim btw (picrew by @berri___ on Twitter)

Personally, I would like to go ahead and state that in my experience, integration is by no means a “suddenly fused together” sort of situation. I would say internally there was a point where “two became one” but I would like to think internally that is more of a projection of being “locked in” so to say than it is the actual integration. For myself, I had the internal integration 3+ years before I actually completed the integration. It took three years, plus nine months to be what I officially consider my integrated self and I very much did want to say that since I feel there is this atmosphere of integration that it is something that should and always happens quickly. For me, it took nearly 4 years after deciding to integrate to properly integrate.

For context, I am an integrated part of Lucille 1.0 (academic protector, royal know-it-all, egotistical prick) and Mina (previous primary gatekeeper, caretaker, ISH) and now identify still as Lucille, but am now primary protector, pretentious prick, academic-protector, caretaker, ISH, and secondary gatekeeper (which is a complex term we use that isn’t relevant)

During the process of integration, it was a lot of learning to interact and recognize the conflicting feelings of both of my parts - letting them interact and interacting with both myself and just trying to come to terms and an understanding of what the parts wanted and what they needed - to resolve a lot of the internal tension and distress and regrets that the parts had and in the process, lessen the intense driving need that drove parts that were open to integrating apart to be seperate.

During the first few months or deciding I actually had to process the integration (rather than simply saying I did and clinging to the identity of Lucille 1.0) I am pretty sure I probably looked like a sub-system of sorts with how poorly blended the parts were. The more I actually looked at the state of my integrated self, the less I could manage or control the emotional swings of both sides and the more I had to sit down and try to make sense of all the disjointed and unconnected pieces to put them together.

At this point in my life as an integrated alter, I would like to think that I have mostly brought together the conflicting feelings, tastes, confidence levels, and core defining emotional traits, core beliefs, and major fears to work with one another - to agree and blend well into a cohesive whole. At this point, I am a lot more at ease and peace and able to exist happily as both Mina and Lucille 1.0 but also neither Mina and Lucille 1.0. I am me and I am very much both and both do still exist, but the ability to see them as different is less and less frequent - and as distressing as that might sound to someone not in the position, it has brought so much intense peace and comfort to feel more whole and relaxed.

With that being said, a thing I had intentionally left off that list is memory as to be quite honest, Mina had a massive memory bank and history as the previous gatekeeper and probably one of our longest veterans in the system. She was the system mom before Aderis was the system mom. She built most of the inner world from the ground up and created the structures that Ray now explores and tries to learn. She knew everyone and had a place in literally ever alter in this system’s heart. She literally was a godsend to the system that could get along with any and all part and it was magnificent

But with all that work and history she had with the system, I really struggle to even start trying to piece together the rather simple history that Lucille 1.0 held and work through Mina’s memory to put them together. At this point, while the emotional and cognitive aspects of the two of them are mostly blended, I still have their memories considerably segregated from one another and accessing Mina’s in particular can take time as well as will still be mentally considered to be “Mina’s memory” and not “my memory” as it is.

Oddly enough, a situation came about where I really did feel the need to reach into that massive barrel of her old memories and retrieve something and by god did it feel odd to be remembering something and when mentioning it to someone say “I am sorry, here is what went on and this is what was meant” to something that wasn’t innately Lucille 1.0 or my current self’s action. Logically by all means, I feel as though to say “Mina said this and Mina meant that” but on an emotional value level, the dialogue is fully stuck as “I wanted to say this is the how it was and I wanted to mention this.”

For a moment, my logical and cognitive brain very much wanted to different the Mina-labeled memory as something Mina wanted to say, but no matter what the label said, I interpreted as something I personally wanted to say and something I remembered. It was very odd but also reassuring because I had never so clearly reassured and noted to myself that I am Mina, I am Lucille 1.0 and I am Lucille.

Riku had a very strong relationship and dynamic with Lucille 1.0 back in the day - I am still that person. Unnamed alters and Mina had a really strong relationship and strong values back in the day and - I *am* still that person.

A large part of me had always looked up to Mina and saw her as great and amazing and I know it was a bit of a cornerstone that kept me from properly and fully integrating with her. A part of me felt it was impossible and felt I could never live up to what she was and I could never be half as wonderful as I saw her to be, but now I am here, recognizing that I really am also Mina and that I am also all of what I never thought I would be and I don’t know.

It is really just something great. Take from it what you will, but it is really something I hadn’t properly experienced through my time as an integrated part, and I really do appreciate it.

Feel free to share if you have any similar comments and feel free to reblog. To be honest, I feel there are too few comments on some of the positive aspects or what integration looks like / felt like.

I would strongly like to say that this is solely my personal experiences with integration and a bit of my sort of sharing my thoughts having finally come around to processing the integration after about four years. I would also like to say the circumstance of our integration and how long it has taken for me to properly process the integration are considerably unique and - to be quite honest - an integration formed as a response to a highly traumatizing period of our life. How I have experienced this integration is not to be mixed with experiences of integration or fusion for the point of healing as I am certain those fusions are experienced differently.

I don’t at all wish to go into the details regarding the nature of our integration yet as I am not at all comfortable or willing to share that publicly, but for some background our system has no other parts that have integrated (at least with fully developed alters) other than myself, and our only integration was a mandatory and forced one in order to enable the survival of the system. The parts that made up our integration was a part named Lucille which we now call Lucille 1.0 and an old alter of ours named Mina. Our integration - while forced - was conscious and mutually agreed upon.

For those that did not know, sometimes, instead of splitting during a traumatic event, alters may integrate and that is what we had to do.

There is a lot of that integration and the events that occurred around the integration that I could comment about, and a lot of it is something I still don’t quite have the words and resolution to in order to put together, but one thing that I was thinking that was worth sharing to this blog was that despite how traumatizing and negative and honestly painful the integration was - and no matter how badly that integration hurt the current me, I really would never say that integration is a horrible experience.

I know there are a lot of individuals out there who fear integration - and that is a valid fear and a valid choice to make, but I did find it interesting how despite the only trauma I hold being directly correlated with integration - as an integrated alter, I don’t think I would reject doing it for the purpose of healing again.

I do honestly fear integrating by force again or without my consent and, to be honest, if I sat on the possibility of it, I probably would go into a bit of a panic attack, but from how I have experienced the integration portion of it - the experience of having two parts come together to create one new whole.... I find it a bit peaceful of sorts.

Something about being integrated has given me a more whole feeling of myself than I did when I was either of my original selves or when I was in a four year limbo of not properly processing it. Something about holding onto more parts of our life as our own, holding onto traits of Mina and Lucille 1.0, something about it makes me happy. Perhaps it is the sense of closeness to myself and my parts, perhaps it is something else entirely, but I did want to share that I have found great happiness having integrated.

I do find the concept frightening, but if the system was ready for me to integrate and it was in a safe place, at a safe time, and for the purpose of healing rather than survival, I don’t think I would be entirely against it.

I don’t know, it is just some interesting thoughts. Also, if anyone wants to reply / start a conversation on this topic, please ping me at @tea-and-tailcoats since I likely won’t be out soon enough to notice it on this blog elsewise. Thank you~