#suspecting bpd

Gods I keep seeing old screenshots in my gallery of the shit I said that made an awful impact and reaction towards someone when I was in a mental state where I did shit on impulsive anger (to the point of saying awful things even if it was a crash out on my public main on impulse) and also envy/jealousy which. gods I feel so terrible but I know I can't reconcile or apologize without seeming like I was reasonable (because I wasn't) or that I'm making excuses (because apparently I don't know what not making excuses is ??) even though I grew up trying to piece together proper apologies on my own

I wish I had figured out how to manage my anger and other emotions long ago because there're so many mistakes I keep making and that's always these little tantrums that I'm forced to hide to myself, I wanna change even further— I really do .

But I don't know why it's such a hard thing for me, I feel like I'm getting better at being a 'better person who appears stable' but whether or not I've figured out how to cope with my emotions without feeling like I'm under constant disrespect and threat is the worst thing I got rn ..

something.

i keep pushing my friends away, i keep telling myself I'm just a bother to them. why would they care .

My FP has told me I'm their best friend. But god I just..I shouldn't be jealous because like.. I don't want to be overbearing. I don't want to come as too much or seem like..possessive.

But I know that's what happens. I hate it... Why can't I just be normal and have Normal relationships.. I one time had a crush on a girl and we both liked each other but she told me even though she enjoyed it because of how jealous and possessive of her I was that it'd be unhealthy for me to date her..it'd be bad for me...