#speech problems

I have had speech problems for years. I suspect they have been there for longer than I remember, but they came especially prevalent to me in my teenage years because that was when people around me started saying "speak slower" or "HTL" which translated to English is an acronym for "loud, clear and slow" and I came to despise whenever people would say that, which they sometimes would before I had even started saying anything. It was as if they expected the worst. The thing though was that I couldn't hear my own speech as being particularly fast, so when I did try to slow down it would feel like I was "humping" along the words and it just felt unnatural for me to speak like that. I did seek help in 2022 (I think?) and met with a speech therapist who not only confirmed that I had both stuttering and cluttering, but she also did these excersises with me as well hear my backstory and look at the psychological aspect of my speech. Also an interesting thing that she did is, one time my brother called on the phone while I was at an appointment (I don't remember if he had called while I was in the waiting room, or if I called when I was already in the ST's office) but while I was having the 1-2 minute conversation with my brother, she had apparantly been listening to and analysing my speech, because she told me afterwards the pattern she had heard. I think it's a very common thing to do when you come across something that you are an expert in (in her case, speech) to analyse things (in regards to your patient, she obviously wouldn't go up to a random stranger on the street and give her thoughts to them about the way that they speak).

During these speech therapy appointments I realised that part of my speech problems stemmed from the fear of not being taken seriously, but it was like the snake that bites its own tale, because my speech made me sound anxious and uncertain, but it was my anxiety and uncertainty that caused me to have speech problems. I was a very very shy kid and it didn't wasn't much better in my teens either, and my speech often depicted that, but only to an extend, because if I was with people who didn't make me nervous (which were very few) I would still talk fast and cluttered, but there wasn't the usual "They probably think I'm an idiot because I can't speak normally"-idea in my head.

Coincidentally 2022 was also the year that a Finnish guy sent me a message, which changed my life. I moved to Finland, got married to that guy, and as a consequence of moving to Finland, I am now in the process of learning Finnish (I moved in January 2023 and started officially learning in February 2023, although I did do a little bit of intimidating green owl before I moved, but I haven't used that one since coming to Finland) My language learning was also severally halted for over a year by my former job because it was English-speaking and in my free time I would be so depleted of energy (long commute) that even when I went to the Finnish course I wouldn't able to comprehend what was being said even though it was like A1 Finnish that I normally have no trouble understanding. I am now without a job (the job market here is really really bad, everyone knows that, I have also reach the age where I am not willing to risk my health, my fertility or my relationship for a workplace that won't even remember me in 20 years, which makes it more important for me to actually learn Finnish so I have a better chance of finding a workplace where language isn't a problem (although to be fair even for Finns finding a job is hard, so who the hell knows what to do)

But although my learning was halted for a very long, I did notice another change recently, and I had at first attributed it to being in my 30s, way older and more different thinking than my teens and 20s (and also escaping a family with a mother who I later realized neglected me emotionally. I still talk to her sometimes, but there's nothing in me that screams I'm her daughter, and whenever I think I have a physical trait that looks like her, I have to remove it instantly) but the change I noticed was beyond my own shyness and lack of hugs in my childhood. Finnish is often considered one of the hardest languages to learn so when having to start learning it in my 30s I knew that it was going to be a struggle and an uphill battle, but that was also what ultimately helped me view the psychological aspect of my speech problems in the languages I know by heart. Throughout my teenage years and 20s I was afraid of speaking to people and engaging in conversation because I feared sounding stupid, or saying the wrong word or just generally messing up my speech, would make them either think I was dumb, or they would feel overly sorry for me. When speaking Finnish I know that I will often use the wrong word for something, that I will conjugate a word wrong, that I will mess up complete sentences and that my speech will be far from good. And knowing that it will most likely sound stupid whenever I speak Finnish, ultimately set me free from worrying how I sound when I speak the languages that I know fluenty.