#sorry dash

In 2022, my yearly recap read:

"I’m accepting the idea of death, of pity, of a future without what I’ve always had. Accepting that life at my home is not as it was and some things will not be as they were. Or maybe they will, who knows. That my life now is more in the city where I work than in the city I was born in. I have places to return to, people to return to, people that will greet me with a smile on their face and plans to have fun."

I cannot believe ever writing this. Ever feeling this. And I recognise the tricks of Depression, the small ways in which It erases all your good memories, all your progress, all your positive attitudes, until you don't even recognise yourself or your words anymore.

I am so sad to be writing like this again, it feels like such a failure... but I am so tired, so, so, so tired of everything. Knowing I have a lot in my life I should be thankful for, yet realising that I've been living with my heart clenched and my breath short for such a long time, everyday a little more, until nothing is left of me but anguish and ache.

Kinda curious of what death I was referring to in 2022 lol Sweet summer child, if I could turn the clock and go back to 2022 I fucking would. It doesn't seem to me that any time has passed since then anyway. I feel 25 and realise with a start that most of my life has been frozen for years.

4.5 years in my actual job. A good job, when they used to pay me and when I used to like my coworkers. Now I can't stand them. Can't stand the 1h commute. Four years of my life of which two years on hybrid with nothing to do, two years with late salaries, two years of telling myself "this is the last straw" but NEVER having the guts to walk away.

Sending applications and then chickening away. What is stopping me? I don't know. I'm in a cage and I'm afraid of what's out there.

Death has come and the world doesn't care. Death has come to others and I am the one who doesn't care or doesn't know how to show that I care, so we are floating around like ice in the Ocean, each in their solitude, in their despair. The Past is disintegrating behind me and I can't bear to keep it or to let it go.

It's too painful to keep everything, but it's a thought unbearable to let it go.

I'm stuck. Stuck stuck stuck. I cry myself to sleep each night. I cry during the day. I hide in any room that has no-one in it. I have started listening to stuff on earphones in bed until I am unconscious because it's the only way to shut the thoughts and sleep. Falling asleep late, waking up too early to ungodly screams of pain and rage, of guilt ("thrown at me so powerfully ", to quote Hozier).

What is left of home? Has it ever existed in reality or just in my mind? Mine is not a family and never was, and no amount of pretending will make it. And yet people have it worse, so I go on.

I just want to escape. 7 days here and I want to fucking flee in the night with no message behind. Leave the Country, leave everyone I know, start a new life from scratch, forgetting and being forgotten.

I cannot leave them just like I cannot leave my job. It's in my DNA. Resilience, resilience, resilience. What they don't tell you about resistance is that it consumes you like a rock in the sea. Wave after wave, until you become nothing. It's some kind of twisted dependency that I only now can see. Maybe 29 years of age is the point where you realise that you either wake up or you will be a slave forever. A slave to ways of acting and being that are not yours, but that you inherited or learnt long ago.

Why is it to difficult for me to stand up, to leave, to talk back, to do what I need or wish? Why the guilt? Why the hesitation?

Thoughts to share with a therapist, no doubt.

What can I ask them? To cure Death and the end of all things? I don't think we've found a remedy for that yet.

I have taken a decision, I just have to communicate it. For the first time in my life, I want to spend New Year's Eve away. My brother already did it once but no doubt there will be problems about it. I will spend too much money for it but I will do it. There is only one person in this godforsaken earth that actually cares for me (a couple have died and another couple don't even bother writing to me to meet up so I guess that leaves only one) and I think it's them I want to spend time with. I don't like codependency. I don't like dependency. I don't like feeling like I can't exist without them, but I don't care right now. Right now I am a dog on a leash in a cage and I am about to wreck it the fuck up.

...

Good things that happened or will happen soon:

I own a house. The only accomplishment of this year, I think. The true accomplishment is living alone with my partner, deciding everything ourselves.

I'll go to a concert in June 2026! So excited for it!!!

I started theatre lessons and will have a play at the end of May 2026. Scared shitless but it's something I needed SO. MUCH.

2026 Resolution

Have a good time at the Musical despite fear

Going to therapy no matter the cost

Having real holidays

Posting art in an organised way

Taking my art more seriously

Continuing studying Japanese in a stressless manner

Go to Vienna (exploiting a friend who offered to host us!! I haven't been abroad in TEN YEARS AAAAAAA

Find a better job (better in any way)

Think of ME more, fuck others if they deserve it

NONCON. DUBCON. POWER ABUSE. DRUGGING. BLACKMAIL. STEPCEST. ANIMAL HYBRIDS (catfem!hybrid, bunnyfem!hybrid, you get it.). TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. MONSTERFUCKING. DEATHS. ASPHYXIATION. EMOTIONAL ABUSE. YANDERE. SUBMISSION/DOMINATION THEMES. WEAPONS. SACRILEGE. VIOLENCE. CHEATING.

TO BLOCK TAGS : GEN DC TAG [ deadoves —☆] ; tw dubcon, tw noncon, tw somno, tw death, tw stepcest, tw hybrids, ETC.

there may be more, all depending on what I’m in the mood for. or you may not see some listed which also depends. not all of my content will be dark. be safe lovelies. ♡