#something deep

RaMonth! - Day 3

Lindethiel firmly believed that a large part of her charm was that she had no qualms about crossing lines. Verbal lines, physical lines, enemy lines. You show her a line and she would throw herself over it like her life depended on getting to the other side fast and hard. If she thought something, she said it. If she felt something, she acted on it.

Now, this wasn’t to say she had no understanding of societal expectations or norms. Just that she didn’t much care about them. It was a choice, born from necessity, and after a while it had become nature. Sometimes she forced herself to ‘behave’ and ‘obey’, not for her own sake but for others’. Like Laurë. 

She didn’t fully understand, as the pressures of nobility were so far above and beyond her she couldn’t, but she comprehended enough and she sympathized. So for his sake, she could keep her mouth shut (mostly), and play nice (enough), and put on a show when in public with him.

-- but that was exhausting. So in private, when she didn’t have to put on any shows, when it was just friends around and nobody who needed impressing, she didn’t wear any masks after a while. After she felt included in that grouping of friends. 

Entering the room that evening with Rog, she took a glance around to see who all was present before skipping her way over to greet her best friend. Sometimes it was a hug, sometimes dusting imaginary lint from his shoulder, sometimes an exaggerated curtsey.

This time, a nice, firm, solid smack to his ass.

If you know me, I hide a lot of things well and it goes unnoticed majority of the times but knowing a persons pain, brings me out :/ when a person shares their pain only then I feel like we can really connect uno? Idk I just really wanna remove the sadness from peoples live idk

Say what you will about tumblr’s community. Ok. Uh. Uh. Yes. You are correct. Because of course you are. Every community is a community of communities, so one (or more) of tumblr’s communities matches your description. Ya! Tumblr has it’s bad parts. But so does every community. Schools, businesses, religion, politics, family, friends, even your dog with its bitchy whimper every time a phone rings for longer than 3 godamn seconds. Even the other social networks have their bad side. Twitter has it’s racist accounts. YouTube has “the weird side of YouTube”. Facebook has your parents. MySpace… existed. You can choose which community you take part in! It’s not like the the bitchy goth emo hipster coke cradled straight edge kids are dragging you by your hot anime girl keychain into their depths of deepness and crying. You can choose which part you take part in! I’ve found a wonderful little dreamscape of likeminded individuals who both cater to my views and challenge my thoughts, and you can too!

I read about Kató Lomb in a post and now I read a little about her in detail. She was Hungarian as myself and for people like her I am very proud of being Hungarian. :)  Stories like hers make me excited and scared: how much can be achieved by one human being during a lifetime and how much can we achieve in reality. I read a lot but when I am not reading I hunt for further books to read and to be honest the list is endless. I have serious lack in my general (liberal) education - at least I feel like it - there are hundreds of classical pieces I want to read in order to use them as a guide to other literary pieces to get the full picture.  I want to learn as many languages as my lifetime allows and still I am struggling with French, Dutch and I just realised how not-so-sophisticated my English is in reality. Anyhow I am planning to add German to my list this year and I have always wanted to learn Japanese so that is a given on the long run but following in Lomb’s footsteps I am going to strive for more. Life is long (? matter of perspective really) and there is so much to achieve.

Yeah, about the scary part... You’ll never achieve everything. Impossible. You have one life and even if you’re learning till the very end, every step of studying will lead to 5 questions and they’re multiplying. That is the thrillingly scary thing: no matter how much you study you’ll want more. Exciting isn’t is? For me, definitely. 

And if you think about it, it is acceptable. And if you really go deep into the notion. The whole life is like that: continuous development and learning. The funny thing is, that we’re so very impatient and intolerant with ourselves in other fields of life. “I am not married yet.” “My schoolmate had his/her second child and here I am single and unemployed.” “What have I achieved so far? I am 28 and heading nowhere with my career” and so on and so on.

Have your realized that your life is continuous development? That in the first 14-15-17-18 whatever years you were basically a starter-package, in your very first years you were not able to talk or walk. You couldn’t read or write till the age of 6 or 7. You were a concept of a person back then. Why don’t you give yourself a break? 

Yeah, strive for more, go forward but in your pace. 2 years ago I really wanted to run 5 kilometres without needing to stop. Now it is reality. Others said that “I started to run and in 3-6 months I was able to run a 5K easily. Running is easy-breezy.” And for me it took a loooooot more time. That is my pace. I got there. Am I slow? Probably, compared to others. But why should I compare myself. That’s because in other aspects others compare us: at the workplace, in our family (”your sister/brother passed another language exam, we’re so proud of him, (s)he could give you tips in learning”, “we cannot wait to be grandparents, when are we going to have a grandchild, dear?”), in school with grades and so on. 

Photo: A white house – found at almostmakesperfect.com “My shadow said to me, what is the matter ….” Margaret Atwood Something DeepI live opposite the white housenot that housemy neighbour's house,glossy in the afternoon sunwindows reflectingpassing birds, carswalkersfront garden,like an aluminium framed Monet,white houselight housebeaming away, exceptmy feeling of resistance,my mood shifts the…