#too deep

i've had nothing and i've had everything

I think we build this idea that money is the wall between us and peace / hapiness, that if we just had enough, all the noise in our head would finally go away but i had the money and the noise didn't go anywhere. I was surrounded and still isolated. I was loved by some and hated by others and none of it actually touched my soul and fixed the things that were missing in me

happiness was never external to begin with. I promise it's not sitting on the other side of a bank account and I’m not saying it's hiding under a bridge with the people who have nothing either. I truly think it’s not a place you arrive at once your circumstances change. It lives somewhere else entirely, somewhere you can only get to by going inward not outward

And I know that it’s a hard thing to accept when you're in the middle of struggling for something external bc it's so much easier to believe the problem is out there and it’s easier to think "i just need this job, this person, this apartment, this amount of money" than it is to sit with the idea that none of that was ever going to fix it. I wanted it to be that simple too. I wanted the money, the attention, the pleasure, the love, the recognization, etc, to be the answer bc that would've meant the fix was within reach but it wasn't and it never is

i'm not saying money doesn't matter or that struggling for basic survival isn't its own kind of unbearable bc hell yeah it is and i'd never romanticize going without water or a roof over your head, that kind of poverty is horrible, violent and it changes you in ways people don’t even understand and that don't just disappear once things improve but what i am saying is that once your survival is secure, everything past that point is not going to give you what you're actually looking for. more money won't. more attention won't. more people knowing your name won't. I had all of that and i was still searching and i was still feeling like nothing

when i'll be pretty enough, when i'll be skinny enough, when i'll know enough, when i'll be far enough in my life or my career, then i'll finally be happy ( supriseee you won’t )

we just push it further every single time we hit the goal and it's never enough, there's always a new line drawn a little further away and we just keep chasing it thinking the next one is the one that'll finally do it, it never does and i think that whole framework is the problem. I think happiness should never depend on something that fragile, something external can be taken from you, can change, can never fully arrive no matter how close you get

If it depends on your body, your achievements, your bank account, your relationship status then it's never actually yours, it's not happiness, it's a moving target you'll spend your whole life running after

and idk i feel like now when i think about happiness, i don't think about circumstances anymore, i think about the relationship i have with myself, whether i'm someone i can sit with in silence, with nothing around me, without needing anything external to distract me from it. It’s also about whether i can be alone in a room, feel okay and not feel the need to look for what’s missing in me in places that were never meant to fulfill me

"Sometimes, I'm falling in love with your beauty. But you don't want me to love you too deep. Like a secret that can't be spoken about, lalalala~ Just like a stormy rain, lalalala~ I swear, Baby, I don't just love your beauty. No matter where I am, I love you so deep. From the day and into the night, for you I hold nothing back . . . . Travel in parallel worlds with you, when will you be willing to speak?"

"Leo! It isn't deep enough there!"