#soberblog

Good Morning, how are you doing?

So I’m going to do stream of consciousness. Well, attempt to..with my acrylic nails the best way I can. (Oh boy..)

This morning I woke up with regret. I was talking to someone I really care about and I kind of just cut him off. Pouted you could say. The reason being was because I wanted him to tell me that we were dating. I’m insecure in that way, I want someone and them to be mine. Like they’re my property and i don’t want anyone to take them away from me. Maybe this is because of my past. Maybe it’s because how i was raised. Maybe I want to live that picture perfect life...I want that special someone and know that they won’t leave me. I wanna say it’s wrong, but is it? maybe some parts of it yes. The parts where I want them to be mine and only mine..Fuck idk. The last relationship i was in I was so insecure. I’ll admit that.

Hold on I have to change the song so i can focus better

I feel okay with being alone but that’s lonely. You know what I mean? God look at me. Just complaining. I guess on the upside I can do what I want when I’m alone. But that consists of sleeping masturbating eating listening to music and walking. Life should be more eventful than that. When i have something funny or interesting to say i want to share that with someone. Is that selfish? idk...This guy though has shown me that men aren’t bad. That they aren’t just fuck bois and yes i wrote bois that way. You know fuck boys has to be written that way or else you don’t get the full umf of it you know?

I can see myself with him for a long time. Granted i don’t know what the future holds. And I could just be infatuated with him..but I can be myself around him. and he actually  digs it. I’m not some slut hoe that will do anything that a guy tells me to do. That’s not love. that’s lust..that’s bordem..

My name is not important. Nor my past. What matters is my present and future. I am here because I can’t stay sober. I need an outlet to write. And I am tired of people not understanding. I am tired of losing people. After giving the last 3 years of my life to other people. 2015 to my brother who died in a drunk driving accident. 2016-2017 to a narcissist who drunkenly raped me, and someone I once called a friend, this year... 2018 is MINE.

That Narcissist I mentioned? Don’t worry, the drunk me decided to pull a stunt to end things once and for all this past Wednesday, so he’s out of the picture. Never have I ever been in such an abusive friendship. Though in a sick way I miss him.... never again.

I have been trying to find a reason to keep going. To believe I am worth it. To feel some sort of spark of life again. After losing 2 friends in my life this past week, I am bulletproof. But also grieving. 

I haven’t blogged in quite some time.

I could say a lot, but I’m not saying much at all really. I’ve gotten to 118 days and damnit, that’s amazing.