#soberthoughts

This weekend I went to Atlantic City to visit my best friend. She loaded her fridge with heinekens for me, got champagne to celebrate my belated birthday, and prepped for a fun boozy girls weekend.... imagine how awkward it felt for me to say nah, I think I'm good, and a dozen different variations for why I wasn't drinking other than simply.... I quit drinking.

We went out for dinner & I got a grapefruit juice while she had two fancy cosmos, she continued her evening with nightclaws, then we went to walmart to pick up board games to play back at the house. Again she asked me if I wanted a drink, and I went deer in the headlights for a good 20 seconds before finally saying no. In those 20 seconds the wheels in my head were spinning a thousand miles an hour, picturing me drinking just 1 and resetting my sober day clock, picturing that 1 turning into 5, picturing myself hungover with my head throbbing on the 3 hour drive back the next day.

ONE YEAR SOBER THIS IS THE PHOTOSHOOT I DID TO CELEBRATE!!! I MADE IT A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT HEROIN AND FENTANYL COCAINE OTHER PILLS AND HARD DRUGS I HAVE CREATED A LIFE FOR MYSELF I HAVE BECOME A TEACHER AND I LIVE EVERY DAY HAPPILY EVEN THOUGH I DO MISS DRUGS FROM TIME TO TIME I REMEMBER THAT I NEED TO KEEP BUSY AND KEEP GOINGI HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS, keep fighting friends.

As an addict speaking from my experience. I found that it starts by choice. We choose to use for various reasons. My reason was to cope with my PTSD. Using numbed those thoughts and helped me sleep.

As an addict the choice then becomes a progressive disease.

I used to say "how is it a disease when people choose that life?". I was one of those.

Well let me explain.

Addiction is a disease because it progresses. Slowly it gets worse and spreads, you can say. It spreads within you consuming you.

We say "I would never do that" but guess what? Eventually you will get there. Eventually you will start getting behind on bills. Eventually you will start pawning or selling your stuff. You will progress to stealing and eventually selling yourself.

I haven't gotten that far "yet" because I won't say I never will. I am in recovery but that doesn't mean I can't fall and fall harder than I did before.

I am an addict and I will always be an addict.

Anyways I am rambling.

This post is for those who say stuff like "Think about your children" or "I would never get that bad".

From my experience, my addiction came first. I knew the consequences but my addiction had a hold of me. It consumed me. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but the only thing on my mind was using.

It hurts to see addicts and their families because I know it hurts them too. They know what they are doing and believe me they wish they could quit too but they have yet to get to their breaking point.

Once they reach that point and get help then things will get better. But like they say all addiction gets us is institutions, jail or death. The lucky ones get the first two.