Alcohol, my permanent accessory Alcohol, a party-time necessity Alcohol, alternative to feeling like yourself Oh alcohol, I still drink to your health [Chorus] I love you more Than I did the week before I discovered alcohol –– The Barenaked Ladies

Alcohol helps … until it doesn’t

Drinking problems are tricky. Most people with a drinking disorder (alcohol use disorder or AUD) do not fit the stereotype of a blackout drunk. They work, play, and live like everyone else. They are intelligent, conscientious, funny, and fun to be around, often unusually so. What sets them apart from people who don’t have AUD is that not drinking makes them feel terrible. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can begin just a few hours after the last drink and include anxiety, poor sleep/insomnia, headaches/migraines, nausea and vomiting, restlessness and agitation, rapid heartbeat, sweating, hallucinations, and tremors. Drinking alleviates the withdrawal symptoms and makes it easier to relax, be more comfortable around others, engage in intimacy, etc. So, from a short-term perspective it feels good to keep drinking. However, the cost of feeling good is dependence on a substance that will take its toll on a person’s physical and mental health and social and financial well being.

The cost of feeling good

In addition to the unpleasant short-term effects of alcohol withdrawal, the long-term consequences of AUD include liver damage/failure, atrial fibrillation, cardiac arrest, bone deterioration, cancer, diabetes, diseases related to vitamin B1 deficiency (including dementia), anxiety, depression, weight gain, job loss, financial insolvency, relationship failure, and increasing isolation from people who don’t join you in disordered drinking. If any of this sounds familiar, have an honest conversation with yourself and with a friend, therapist, or doctor about how much you’re drinking and (more importantly) why you’re drinking. AUD is not a moral failure, personal weakness, or problem you need to hide from others. It's a disorder. You need and deserve treatment and support.

How to stop drinking

AA can help. Need another approach? Check out ...

Allen Carr's EasyWay to quit drinking books, including The Easy Way for Women to Quit Drinking and The Illustrated Easy Way to Stop Drinking. Nikki Glaser (VIDEO) successfully used this approach.

The Sinclair Method. Check out Roy Eskapa, The Cure for Alcoholism: The Medically Proven Way to Eliminate Alcohol Addiction. Claudia Christian (VIDEO) successfully used this approach.

The Alcohol Experiment aka This Naked Mind. Developed by Annie Grace (VIDEO), This Naked Mind works by ending the conflict between your conscious desire to drink less, and your subconscious belief that alcohol is beneficial. At 35, Annie Grace was in a global C-level marketing role, responsible for 28 countries. Drinking close to two bottles of wine a night, her professional success came at a personal price she no longer wanted to pay. Grace preaches compassion, knowing its power over shame and blame is the best way to achieve lasting change.

Please be careful

If you experience withdrawal symptoms (see above) when you don't drink, you have a physical dependence on alcohol. Withdrawal symptoms can be severe, and in some cases life-threatening, so unsupervised detox is dangerous. If you want to get past your physical dependence on alcohol, have an open and honest conversation with a qualified healthcare professional. Make sure you have the resources you need in place to detox safely.

AUD and in a relationship?

If you have AUD and you're in a relationship, be upfront with partners about your disorder. Do the same with family and friends that are important to you. Let them know if/how you're addressing your disorder. Let them know the impact your disorder will have on your relationship with them. Give them mental and emotional space to decide how and if they can cope with being in a relationship with someone with AUD. Build the supportive, judgement-free space you need by finding the people who accept you with AUD. Let go of the ones who don't. Do not feel shame, guilt, or anxiety if they can't accept your disorder. Do not make them feel shame, guilt, or anxiety if they can't accept your disorder. Some people will stick with you. Others, it’s better for you and them if they don’t.

Love/like someone with AUD?

If you love/like someone with AUD, start with a reality check. If the person you love/like is not addressing their AUD, they will either be intoxicated, hungover, in withdrawal, dealing with the mental and physical effects of long-term alcohol misuse, or experiencing several of these conditions simultaneously. You will play a secondary role to alcohol in that person’s life. Most/all activities you do with that person will involve drinking. If the drinking stops, the relationship will lose momentum. If you directly or indirectly make them feel their drinking is under scrutiny, the relationship will probably end, sometimes without warning or discussion.

A person with untreated AUD is mentally and physically dependent on alcohol. That dependency may cause the person to push away or run away from anyone (including you) they perceive as a threat to their drinking. This can create a codependency, where you become an enabler by ignoring their AUD in hopes of keeping the relationship intact, and the person with AUD deems you "safe" and intensifies the relationship with you. You may feel the rush of being needed/wanted by someone so much. However, insobriety does NOT provide a foundation for a healthy relationship, no matter how “intoxicating” the relationship feels. Things a person says or does under the influence may be regretted or not even remembered when that person is sober.

This may leave you feeling used and possibly abused. This is understandable, but if you develop a martyr complex, this is a clear sign you have a boundary problem. You have likely compromised your time and energy in hopes of an outcome that wasn't realistic, not discussed, and not agreed to. Put your concerns and expectations on the table. Have you even discussed concerns about alcohol use? Be prepared for the person with AUD to be in denial, or to feel you have completely misunderstood their reality. If you're convinced the problem is there, you may have to agree to disagree and part company. If you think you got it wrong, don't ignore further signs that say you got it right. If the person acknowledges AUD, do you expect the person to get sober ... immediately, eventually? Do you expect the person to be in recovery? Can you accept relapses? Can you accept how the person's withdrawal symptoms might negatively impact their behaviour towards you? Are you prepared to accept any disabilities or chronic illnesses that develop as a result of long-term AUD? Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the person with AUD. Be prepared to adjust your expectations to reflect what is reality for a person with AUD, rather than thinking that person can change reality to meet all your expectations. If you can’t live with adjusted expectations, leave the relationship. That is kinder than placing your unhelpful expectations on a person with AUD.

Another sign that you have a boundary problem is a Messiah complex: the erroneous belief that you can "fix" the person with AUD. You cannot cure them. You have no ability to make a person deal with their AUD. You have no right to make them feel shame, guilt, or anxiety for having AUD. Trying to be someone’s savior means you’re making their recovery about you, not them. This is not what a person with AUD needs.

Set healthy boundaries for yourself, respect the boundaries of the the person with AUD, and provide encouragement, a listening ear, and your presence when needed. Speak the truth in love. Be prepared to face the truth, even when it hurts. You may lose the person you love/like to alcohol, or not. Either way, the outcome is ultimately out of your hands and you need to be “okay” with this uncertainty if you stay in the relationship. (There are uncertainties in every relationship.)

If you struggle with setting boundaries, it might be helpful to explore treatment for Codependency or Dependent Personality Disorder.

Need support from others in your situation? Check out Al-Anon for help in maintaining your mental and emotional sobriety while in a relationship with someone with AUD.

Set backs are part of healing. They make us stronger.