#sleep difficulties

Designer: @psychorouge

Flag Design: @flag-cat

I successfully changed my shirt this morning, though. So that's something. Because I ditched my shirt overnight, I had to change my shirt all by myself. And I did it. I made it work. I got a new shirt on all by myself. It's a bit tight, so I didn't pick a great shirt. But I found something and put it on, and that's actually a decent mark of my independence. Just a shame I did this only because I was having a very eventful and exhausting night. I guess it makes sense that I'd be more willing to be independent on a night that left me exhausted and impulsive and everything, though.

Now that I'm awake, I have time to kill before my dad gets home at noon. I'm not really going to do anything massively eventful. I'm likely just going to play music on my phone, maybe watch videos on my tablet, write notes in my notes app or posts online, read some things online and/or play a video game. These are largely the only things I do when my dad's at work. I've made some kind of routine of it all, but it's still repetitive enough to get dull sometimes. It's not like I'm much more active when my dad's home, you know. I think I do a tiny bit more when he's home, but not much more. I'm largely just convinced I'm better when my dad's home. Probably because I like the safety of having someone home with me. Well, that and because I'm dependent on my dad in many ways.

Sometimes I'm afraid of the future, because I want someone to live with me like my dad does forever. I don't really want to live all alone. But since I don't have any friends besides my dad…it sure seems I'll end up alone. That's why my fantasy is to have a maid, a housekeeper or a butler. Because then I don't need friendship, I can hire someone to accompany me through life. And if I can then befriend the person who's working for me…well, that's just all the better. That's how I'm seeing it, anyways. And that's something I've kind of fantasized about since 2022, at least. It's been something I always considered, because I know it solves some of my problems.

My dad goes back to work full time at the end of this month. That means his work hours will now be: friday from 1 am to 12 pm, saturday from 1 to 12, sunday from 1 to 12 and monday from 1 to 12. I'm still really nervous to begin making the adjustment to that schedule. I've dealt with it before, but I last dealt with it almost a full year ago. So I'm pretty nervous to adjust to it. I'm pretty nervous indeed.

I don't know if I'm nervous for killing all the time on my own. Sure, that's boring and dull sometimes. But I handle it remarkably well. I basically just do what I did in Elementary School, which is basically refuse to eat after I'm done breakfast. I basically just fast until my dad's home. When I'm all alone I don't talk too much and I don't eat too much. I'm just kind of there. And sure, it sounds dull. And it probably kind of is unadventurous and dull. But it's still something I've handled before.

No, my bigger issue is dealing with two things. Those things are sleeping on the nights my dad leaves and then also dealing with the irritability I feel when my dad comes home. I think those are my biggest issues with it all. The boredom isn't great either, but boredom is probably better than irritability and exhaustion. But let me try to explain both things in more detail. I've already explained the whole "I seem to sleep a bit worse when I'm alone in the house" thing, so maybe I'll just try to focus on discussing the irritability thing now.

I think I get irritable when I go from being alone all morning to having my dad home later. It's partially an adjustment to having other people around me again, and it's partially a reaction to the noise in the house getting louder. Considering all I do is usually play music on my phone when my dad's at work (and mute the TV to hear my phone better) and I barely speak during all this time, I feel like sound changes when my dad comes home. And sometimes that can frustrate me, I think. So yeah, I do get irritable sometimes when my dad gets home. And this (plus the sleeping thing) are probably my biggest concerns about my dad's work schedule changing right now.

I don't get nightmares very often. I think I used to. I once had a hyperfixation on a horror show, and it caused me to be unable to go to sleep comfortably for months and months. I'm better now, but I still think I teeter on the knifes edge. I can sleep very soundly, getting dreamless sleep that makes me feel at peace. Or I can wake up at 3 am. Or I can have dreams that confuse or stress me out.

So sleeping isn't my idea of a perfect fun thing. Sleep isn't controllable. Sleep isn't consistently soothing. Sleep is good when it's good and bad when it's bad. And I just...what I wouldn't do to understand how others can enjoy it so consistently. My dad sleeps worse than me most of the time, and I think I've inherited his sleep issues. I think my mom was a much deeper sleeper, so I've got a bit of both in me. I can wake up in the middle of the night pretty easily, but sometimes I'll also sleep right through loud storms. I can be a really deep sleeper or I can be on edge and a light sleeper. It comes and goes, really.

Today sucked for sleep. I stayed up too late because I didn’t feel like I would be able to sleep and I was right. I spent hours lying there jerking and twitching and falling asleep for a second only to wake up from a five second nightmare. It’s winter, it’s cold, but somehow I’m still boiling hot even when I throw off all my covers. I try to relax but as soon as I lie down I’m full of panic.