Primarchs as Bathbombs
@pippinsquishums, your flower prompt reminded me of a conversation my fiance and I had a couple nights ago about what the Legions and their primarchs would look like as a trademarked bathbomb. I figured I'd get this out real quick, and tag you in it so that you could see it.
I'm getting back into the habit of writing again, there's been some issues with my music app, and then my earbuds went AWOL, but we be trying.
Please note that you are not coming out from these baths looking normal.
Headcanons under the cut:
Fulgrim decided that he and his brothers needed to sponsor and make marketable Primarch bath bombs. Big E endorsed this endeavor after Malcador mentioned something about "family bonding"
Lion El'Johnson/Dark Angels: a very deep green and brown layered bath bomb, sprinkled with the smallest hint of gold glitter. There's a heavy smell of pine to it, and somehow they managed to put the smell of petrichor and mud into the bath bomb, probably from the actual mud Fulgrim convinced the assembly team to put in because "just because it's Lion themed does not mean the users can't come out of it glowing". Unfortunately, the mix of green and brown coloring makes the water rather unsavory looking, but when in Rome, I guess.
Fulgrim/The Emperor's Children: the color of it is a deep purple, with a large amount of lavender and gold glitter sprinkled throughout it. It's fairly dramatic in its fizzing, as in you can actively hear it, but the scent it emits is a wonderful, wonderful blend of roses and lilies, and a hint of honey. There's some activated charcoal for the benefits, and some other added skincare chemicals mixed into the blend.
Perturabo/The Iron Warriors: The fact that this man was convinced to sign off on a marketable skin care/bath product is astounding. And then he got told what Dorn was going with(more on that later), and promptly decided that his bath bomb would be a close second in terms of dramatics when it comes to fizzing compared to Fulgrim, who's not even first place(once again, stay tuned for that answer). He selected yellow and black. Not even gold. Just yellow. A dry version of his bath bomb follows the hazard pattern of his legion, those yellow and black stripes, but when it completely dissolves and mixes into your bath, it's also an unappealing color. He does not care, sadly. He's selected the scents of motor oil, somehow managing to infuse that scent into the bath product alongside a hefty amount of charcoal(it had to turn black somehow). He shot down the suggestion from Fulgrim about putting blackberry scent into it. No, he did not care that Fulgrim helpfully informed him that blackberry is tough as nails, probably because it was worded something like, "it never goes away and some people saw it as a pest."
The Khan/The White Scars: he has a pretty basic bath bomb. A little dramatic, sure. But overall, pretty enjoyable. He also uses activated charcoal, but he's also managed to infuse the scents of several herbs from his home planet, as a subtle, savory undertone to the smell of tiger lily and, I can't explain my logic behind this, sunflowers. The color itself is a mix of a light gray and a small bit of red, with a touch of gold glitter. The end result sees the water turned a slight pink, looking almost like milk with a single drop of red food coloring. Yes. Let's go with food coloring.
Leman Russ/Space Wolves: This man heard that Perturabo didn't want blackberry in his bath bomb, and went, "more for me then." He loves the plant being so resilient, and it reminds him of home in a way, village children wandering around and stuffing their faces full until the juices had stained their faces and clothes, reminds him of grand feasts where serfs produced berry tarts and cookies. There's also a touch of pine scent mixed into it, along with sap and dandelions. The overall smell is vaguely nostalgic, especially if you were prone to running around in the woods as a child. It's not too dramatic, fizzing in what Russ describes as, "a reasonable amount". The color is a darker gray than Jaghatai's, with a red band around the dry version. Russ didn't want glitter, so your bath is going to be pretty dull, but it'll smell nice so there's that.
Rogal Dorn/Imperial Fists: He's accidentally convinced Perturabo to create a bath bomb, simply because he didn't exactly see the point. But, if he has to create a bath addition that fizzes, he opts for those tiny fizz tablets, like the ones baseline children use as a segway to bath bombs. While the rest of the primarchs opt for only having one bath bomb, Dorn opts instead for a packet of five, bright yellow tablets. There's a slight, citrusy smell, and that's purely because Dorn figured that most yellow fizzy tablets had the scent of citrus, and that must mean yellow=citrus when it comes to bath products. Logically, this is the one bath you're coming out of without being coated in glitter, stained a certain color, or smelling strongly of whatever perfumes went into it.
Konrad Curze/Night Lords: You are not leaving this bath without being stained a dark, messy purple. The bath bomb itself is coated in an outer shell of blue, but the core is a dark red. Curze had to be shown what a bath bomb actually looks like when it's at work, because when he first heard of one, he started laughing at the idea of quite literally blowing up your bath in the name of "relaxation". "can't be stressed if you're dead"
"Konrad, no-"
Anyways, he liked the idea that the red could leak through while it's fizzing, and the bath would look as though it's bleeding. He liked this idea a lot. He commissioned that many of the "bombs" be made so he could enjoy a bath(for once). In all reality, he just liked watching it "bleed". Are we that surprised?
He wasn't allowed to propose scenting it with viscera and "guilt"(whatever Guilt smells like) so instead, he proposed incenses that are most commonly used by morticians, think frankincense and myrrh, with a hint of embalming fluid. Nobody's sure how the embalming fluid got added to the mix, but it's there. His bath bomb scent has been given the name "funeral home", "graveyard", and "why did anybody think this was a good idea"(courtesy of Sevatar, who watched Curze hold an actively fizzing bath bomb so that the blood red soap poured down his hand)
Sanguinius/Blood Angels: He's opted for a white bath bomb, with a pretty average sprinkling of gold glitter. The bath, once it's finished, will look quite a good deal like steamy, glittery milk. This one is scented with milk, honey, and clover flowers, with a faint hint of cinnamon to make it into almost smelling like a comfort drink that you never learned the recipe for, but your parents or your grandparents made you when you were tired and cranky. Fulgrim and Horus did try to sweet talk him into adding a bit of red, since it does show up in his legion's color scheme, but Sanguinius wouldn't hear them out. Red, in his opinion, being buried inside the bath bomb, would remind him a little too much about his Thirst, and making people bleed because he hungered. Just the white is fine, thanks much.
Ferrus Manus/Iron Hands: This is another "practical" one that has the smell of motor oil, steel, and fire. Think deodorant for men, but in the form of a bath bomb. Ferrus is a little confused, but he has the spirit. In all honesty, he thought the bath bombs had to resemble what they themselves smelled like, but just like his Legion taking his iron hands out of context and going crazy with augments, the general public took the bath bomb out of context and decided that it was "manly enough that only the strongest could use it".
Angron/World Eaters: Lavender. So much lavender. See, despite the nails, he actually understood the assignment of "create a somewhat relaxing smell for your bath bomb". So, he picked a blend of chamomile and lavender, with a small center full of Epsom salt to ease one's sore muscles and joints. Fulgrim's quite proud, honestly. Who knew Angry Ron knew about that kind of stuff? In all honesty, Angron was putting up with the pain for as long as he could, creating the bath add on that he himself yearned for during his time as a gladiator. Lavender and chamomile to calm oneself, and the salts to ease soreness from a long and drawn out fight. The bath bomb itself follows a mostly red color scheme, since he'd left the design up to his brothers, once the migraines got too much to handle. This is another one that has flecks of gold, but those are few and far inbetween compared to the dried lavender and chamomile blossoms that were added. Angron has accidentally created a luxury bath, but it's actually pretty popular in the chronic pain and insomniac communities. No, this isn't me wishing really hard for a chronic pain/insomnia helping bath bomb. Totally not.
Guilliman/Ultramarine: Hoooo!! You'd think this would be the most basic bath bomb ever, and for the most part, you're right. The bomb itself is pretty basic. Not too much glitter, average amount of blue and gold dye, an actually respectable amount of olive oil and bath salts in the center, and an even more respectable amount of moon flower scented oils added. What isn't basic, and I will die on this hill, is the fact that he didn't make it ball shaped. He made it in the shape of his legion's symbol. What? It's supposed to represent him and his legion, isn't it? No, Curze. It's not a toilet seat, how dare you? Stop laughing, this is a serious matter!
Theoretical: The shape will, for once, make his legion stand out so that his brothers stop calling him a fancier equivalent of "basic bitch"
Practical: Russ and Jaghatai have now started a game of horseshoes with the bath bomb. Mission failed, he'll have to try again later.
Mortarion/Death Guard: Get that mold away from him, he doesn't want to. Never mind the fact that he's secretly concocting a scent scheme, and a color scheme, and a-
Oh, fuck it. Fine. Here.
This is another popular one with sufferers of chronic pain, simply for the fact he's filled the center with Devil's Claw extract, ginger extract, and ashwagandha. No, he totally didn't spend time researching herbs best for helping with one's pain. The scent itself is a surprisingly pleasant blend of citrus for energy, and rose because, "that's a usual bath bomb smell, right?" The color scheme itself is a murky, greenish brown, almost like vomit, which is why it's so surprising that it's such a pleasant experience.
Magnus the Red/Thousand Sons: This is a really pleasant bath bomb. The glitter, while completely coating the outside in every color under the sun and then some, is only a thin layer, hiding the, depending on if this is pre heresy or not, red or blue bath bomb under it. Magnus has added a few smells, such as the smell of old paper, dust, and leather. He's scented it like an old library that you have very vague memories of visiting as a child, to go with the smells of morning glory, papyrus and sea water. It also smells a bit like ink, and a very small bit of sandalwood incense. It's flashy, for sure, but it's not the shiniest one.
Horus/Sons of Horus: Great googly moogly. This man...who signed off on this guy making a bathbomb??
Horus never half asses anything, the effort he applies is usually 110%. Unfortunately...that extra ten percent has now put this bath bomb under a legal need to also be classified as a glitter bomb and a borderline war crime. There is so much F U C K I N G glitter, that once you step out of the bath, Twilight is calling asking for its vampire extras back. Now, once you get through the insane, obsessive, and borderline deadly amounts of glitter, the bath bomb itself is a steady half and half situation where one half is gold, and one half is a pleasant red. Horus also, unfortunately, couldn't decide on a scent, and as such dumped what smells like the entire perfume department into this, quite honestly, literal bomb. And I do mean literal, as it somehow fizzes so much your bath almost looks like it's boiling violently. Use at your own risk, or prank your least favorite family member for Sanguinala.
Lorgar/Word Bearers: ah, yet another sensible bath bomb. The scents of holy church oils, incenses, with a pleasing golden tint and lovely Monarchian runes drawn and etched into it. If you feel like taking a dip in the holy oil basin, there you go. Only this time, instead of leaving you greasy and gross, you're left soft and comforted, extremely relaxed by the subtle scents of burning wax and aged paper. Asides from the golden tint, the base color is just white. Lorgar didn't exactly see the point in coloring it deeply, he doesn't feel like this needs to be flash with his bath bomb. He is, however, putting capsules in the center of the bath bombs. What's inside? Prayer pamphlets.
Vulkan/Salamanders: He also understood the assignment, adding in soothing notes of milk, warm wool, and firewood, on top of a bit of lavender and southern magnolia. His bath bomb slightly breaks the mold that his brother's set, in that instead of his legion's colors, or his personal favorites, he left it up to the assembly team. After much voting, it was decided that the bath bomb would look almost like obsidian. Vulkan had said "surprise me," with a grin, and they surprised him with a bath bomb made to look like a byproduct of solidified lava. Vulkan is another one who commissioned the continued production of the bath bombs, and as a gift, gave the assembly team their own Vulkan Bombs.
Corvus Corax: A mix of black bath bomb and silver glitter, this bath bomb once again has notes of activated charcoal, with a raven themed carved crystal in the very center, usually made out of either black tourmaline, or onyx. The scent itself, aside from the charcoal, is a pleasant blend of moon flower, angel's trumpet, and cactus flower. It is important to note that the glitter he approved of isn't too much in its quantity. It's actually a rather miniscule amount, so small you almost miss it. When you step out, you almost look like you've sprayed a small layer of glitter body spray.
Alpharius Omegon/Alpha Legion: What. So, the bomb itself has a mix of every scent and then some, but unlike Horus, who's bath bomb can kill a grown man just by taking a small breath in, it's a pleasant sensation known as "the scent of all time". The bath bomb, as it fizzles and dissolves, goes through every single color under the sun, and then some, until it gets to the core. And that's when you remember just how much they like to be little shits. You thought to outrageous amounts of glitter Horus had would be the worst? No. No, you'll be bathing in glitter, nonstop, for decades. YOUR GREAT GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE GLITTERY
YOUR DOG
YOUR CAT
YOUR BIRD
Somewhere, far far away, the twins are cackling as they watch another victim activate the tracker hidden in the dangerous glitter trap.
