#roche ff7r

Lazard: ... how?

Roche: I keep making Cadet Strife laugh and I think Second Class SOLDIER Fair is plotting my downfall.

Previous: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Angeal: No, Genesis, you spaghetti-noodle-spine-having-ass bitch.

Sephiroth: I identify as a tonberry *chases Cloud with a kitchen knife*

Zack: Ra Ra Rasputin *kicks Sephiroth over*

Genesis: Unhand me you cretin *alone, talking to no one*

Angeal: Zack just showed me a picture of the Grinch and said "hear me out"

Lazard: No, Sephiroth, you cannot have a human-sized cat bed in your office "for enrichment"

Cloud: Parkour time *crashes through the air vents*

Sephiroth: I'm the biggest lesbian ally in this department, actually.

Angeal: For the sake of my sanity I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see Zack twerking to One Winged Angel.

Luxiere: I would commit unspeakable atrocities for a crumb of Zack's attention.

Lazard: That stripper pole better be gone when I get back or so help me, Genesis, I will return you to the goddess.

Sephiroth: *does a single pump of sore throat spray* This is enough for sustenance for the day.

Kunsel: Care for a deep-fried cigarette?

Angeal: You look like an AI-generated twink.

Sephiroth: I've grown so tired of Genesis's voice that we now communicate solely through interpretive dance.

Lazard, over the speakers: Whoever heated fish in the break room microwave, please come by my office so I can break your knees.

Zack: Aww, I forgot to feed the Roomba :(

Genesis: I don't know why me and Angeal are being judged. Simulating a birth with a watermelon is a perfectly normal activity for two people.

Kunsel: Hopefully this office party won't end in accidental weed use.

Angeal: WHY IS THERE A FAMILY OF RACCOONS IN THE TRAINING ROOM?

Genesis: I noticed some homosexual subtext in your screams, do you want to talk about that?

Angeal: *sniff sniff* Ooh~ who's barbecuing? OH MY GOD IT'S AN ELECTRIC FIRE.

Roche: Every time I think about chopping my hair short I think "Sephiroth wouldn't want this for me" and the feeling is gone.

Genesis: I made a friend *drags in a skeleton with a Sephiroth wig*

Cloud: *points at Angeal, Genesis and Sephiroth* Pure of heart, dumb of ass, big of tit.

Lazard: I told Zack to use Excel and he started sobbing.

Angeal: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SEASONING YOUR GROUND BEEF?

Sephiroth: It's extremely rude to ask someone why they're eating a salad bowl of udon at 8 AM. Mind your business, Zack.

Cloud: Genesis likes Loveless so much because the title resonates with his love life.

Zack: You keep your anxiety pills in a takeaway to-go box? Dude that's so fancy.

Lazard: Why is Sephiroth the only one wearing a shirt??

Angeal: Common sense has chased Zack all his life but he wears wheelies so he's faster

Sephiroth: I personally don't use the peace sign because I haven't had a day of peace since I was 12.

Kunsel: I'm never going out in public with Zack again. A child's balloon popped when it went near his hair.

Angeal: No I'm not giving you an aspirin. Last time I gave you one you crushed it and snorted it like cocaine.

Lazard: An overwhelming majority of you peaked in kindergarten.

Sephiroth: Zack, I'm becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of potatoes in your pants right now.

Zack: This year I want an A/B/O themed birthday party.

Sephiroth: Please don't commit tax fraud, Genesis. You won't thrive in prison.

Genesis: Does anyone have an extra ramen packet to give Sephiroth? The 64 he consumed this morning weren't enough.

Roche: Commander Rhapsodos and his emo fringe is our culture.

Zack: I'm at my fucking limit! I'm about to eat a vegetable!

Genesis: He's a son of a bitch Sephiroth: That implies he has a mother, so I don't see how that's an insult.

Zack: Fuck around and find out *said with a chunk of Genesis' red coat hanging from his pocket*

Cloud: Does anyone have an extra brain cell? I lost my remaining one when Genesis spoke to me this morning.

Sephiroth: Damn.

Kunsel: Zack owes me so much money that if he sold his box of random shit he stole from Angeal, he still couldn't pay me back.

Angeal: Why are you guys playing Queen's Blood in the closet? is this a metaphor?

Genesis: Have you prayed to your Sephiroth cardboard cutout yet today?

Sephiroth: Alert me once Rufus Shinra arrives so that I may greet him adequately *said while building a pipe bomb*

Lazard: It's all fun and games until the timeout cage that I ordered online arrives.

Genesis: I will atone for my sins by becoming a nuisance to the environment.

Cloud: If Zack were a scented candle he'd smell like ADHD and crayons.

Sephiroth, standing on a table: DO NOT. EAT. THE CHEESECAKE. IN THE FRIDGE. It's mine.

Angeal: *with a bucket while it's raining hale* Free ice baby.

Zack: I finally have enough gil to buy a sixteen bouncy castles.

Genesis: Being overcome with the desire to eat pasta and call your mother at 2 AM and wondering if you're having a mental breakdown or are possessed by Sephiroth.

*guilty silence*

Cloud: I’m not mad I just want to know.

Angeal: it was me I bro-

Cloud: No, no you didn’t. Zack?

Zack: Don’t look at me, look at Kunsel!

Kunsel: What I didn’t brake it!

Zack: huh, that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?

Kunsel: because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken!

Zack: suspicious.

Kunsel: no it’s not!

Roche: if it matters, probably not, but Genesis was the last one to use it…

Genesis: lier! I don’t even drink that crap!

Roche: oh really, well what were you doing over by the coffee cart earlier?

Genesis: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles, everyone knows that cockroche!

Angeal: okay, okay, let’s not fight! I broke it let me pay for it Cloud!

Cloud: No, who broke it!

Zack: Cloudy? Sephiroth has been awfully quiet…

Sephiroth: REALLY?! Oh my goddess, you’re really going to call it like that huh?

*they all continue fighting for an hour*

Lazard: so who broke it? Did you find out?

Cloud: oh, I did.

Lazard: …???

I have a feeling in my bones that Roche often started arguments with Kunsel over Loveless.

(Anon, I want you to know I was on the phone with my grandmother when I read this. And I hit the Zack bit and lost my fucking shit ugly laughing ahdhsjdjd he.

I’m gonna try to expand on this but I highly doubt I’ll be able to match your god tier takes lmao.)

—o—

President ShinRa — has an account on Twitter but refuses to let a PR person run it. Accidentally Horny on Main Incident Counter: 3 (so far)

Cloud — Hates social media but has one at Zack’s insistence. Has a random username with like his birthday in it but it’s so forgettable you’d think it was just an auto-generated one he didn’t change. He only posts obscure photos, never selfies. Zack is the only one that follows him until he convinces the firsts to do it and starts posting photos of the blonde and tagging him. The rest is history.

Zack — Kind of really fratboy-ish on his accounts. Lots of photos of him in cut-out muscle shirts, megawatt grin in place, etc. It’s broken up by cute, soft pictures of him and Cloud or like Cloud sleeping or smth. He tags Cloud in them, too, and that’s how Cloud’s own follower count explodes, despite having a fairly empty page (Seph is sympathetic).

Also. He totally went on what he thought was “the dark web” on like Angeal’s tablet or smth. He’s currently running laps until he fucking dies.

Angeal — The most unproblematic and fun person to follow. Has the prettiest Instagram by far given his interest in photography. Accidentally aesthetic. Not really a selfie person and rarely posts to twitter.

Trouble in paradise only happens when a shirtless photo of him in some low-riding sweats that are clinging just a little too tight from exercise pops up on a rapidly growing tea spill account. It’s made worse when Gen reblogs it like 6 times and even fucking Sephiroth likes it. He can’t even look at his DM’s anymore.

Reno — Secretly has a personal insta that he think he cute about, and no one will ever find it. But Tseng knows. Because he always just knows. He just doesn’t say anything because he uses it as a quick way to keep tabs on what infraction(s) Reno has committed at any given time.

1. Roche softly singing Gas Gas Gas (from initial D) to himself as he thinks about RM Cloud

Let's be honest, that song is like, 90% of his personality.

2. Sephiroth and Clouds wills clash inside Clouds head until they're both suddenly shoved into a dream world where...they're getting married?

They both side eye eachother uncomfortably until Sephiroth is dragged away by a chattering Genesis while Cloud is dragged off by an excited Tifa to face the horror of horrors. His wedding dress.

He decides this has to be a nightmare.

Sephiroth thinks the opposite when he sees Cloud walking down the isle, and yet again when he lifts the blonds veil.

Niether is sure who's dream this is, and once they wake up, Cloud flees and refuses to ever speak of it again.

But the silver haired bastard won't shut up about it and likes to refer to Cloud as his wife, which leads to a lot of uncomfortable questions.

______________________________________

"Our wedding vows were made before a god."

"You're not a god you prick!" Cloud shouted as he raised his sword.

Tifa spluttered, faltering in her movements, "W-Wedding vows?!"

"It's not important." The blond grumbled to her.

"Oh ho ho," Aerith sang merrily as she shot a few Thundagas at the silverette, "You're not getting out of this one!"

3. Genesis having a secret love for the occult and spooky stuff in general.

4. "I actually have an older brother who's in a coma." He said casually.

"Wait, really?" Tifa asked, looking up from stuffing her textbooks into her backpack.

"Yeah, it happened when I was young so I don't remember much. Apparently our oldest brother, Sephiroth, got into a fight with him over something stupid, 'cause Seph was always picking fights back then."

He paused, thinking about how to phrase the next part. "Seph punched our other brother and he landed in the street."

The girls gasped, knowing where this was going.

"The driver didn't see him as he stood up and Seph never forgave himself. He still sits in the hospital with him every damn day. I've only visited him once, and I swear he opened his eyes. He called me something wierd though, as if he recognized me, but didn't remember my name."

"What did he call you?" Yuffie asked excitedly from behind him.

"It sounded like gibberish, but I think he called me 'Kadaj'?"

Coma au where everything was a nightmare and Cloud has to wake up and re-adjust to reality, but how is he supposed to do that when his only memories are of a time that never existed?

5. Sephiroth smiling as he walks down the Shinra hallways, causing rumors to spread and secretarys to faint

6. The Silver Elite hate Cloud

7. CC Sephiroth goes rogue before the Nebilheim incident, thus never going mad.

8. Sephiroth keeps calling Cloud cutesy pet names, like sunshine, love, my dawn, my beloved, ect.

Cloud gets absolutely livid, however, when Sephiroth calls him "StormCloud" and after explaining to Sephiroth that this was the nickname his mother gave him as a child, he never used it again. Odd.

Cloud also once fired back with, "Look alive, starshine!" Before throwing a grenade at the silver haired bastards smug face.

He almost didn't believe his eyes, Sephiroth was beaming

Every cell in Clouds body screamed, "Abort mission!" At that.

9. Cloud and Sephiroth are busy snarking at eachother when Barret started yelling at Cloud, telling him to stop flirting, thus embarrassing both of them.

10. Immortal Cloud learns how to keep Sephiroth out of his head by use of white magic and mental wards.

This is why Sephiroth was so baffled to be looking at a spikey blond haired eight year old with green cat eyes.

How would Sephiroth react to suddenly having a son? And with Cloud no less?

11. Sephiroth drinks a love potion, but instead of becoming kind or benevolent to Cloud, he smooshed the blond against his chest and proclaimed that they would soar the cosmos together as husband and wife.

Cloud is desperately trying to wiggle away while Cait Sith and Yuffie record it for potential blackmail material.

12. Genesis is proforming his poetry as per usual, until someone yells, "You are the gift of the goddess!"

Genesis was so flattered that he was stunned silent, something that doesn't happen often.

13. Sephiroth gradually becoming more and more obsessed with time traveler Cloud, until he gives the blond the ultimatum of "Become mine, or I will burn the world down till there is nowhere left for you to run, other than into my arms"

14. Unhinged time traveler Sephiroth flirting with Cloud.

15. Sephiroth confronting time traveler Sephiroth, and he, Angeal, and Genesis finding out he's been cloned

Bonus:

Jenova is alive and well.

She's healed enough that her brain is no longer exposed, not to mention she has her head back, and has taken to wearing long dresses to hide her scarred body. Not much she can do about the purple colour of her skin, but she mostly just tells people she was attacked by a strange monster and the side-effect of its poison never faded away.