Some band au design doodles because my brain won’t shut up about them rn,,,

*Kunsel is outside the data room when he’s physically cornered by Angeal (who has Sephiroth for backup)*

Kunsel: NOT THE FACE—

Angeal: So you’re the one who’s been writing all those conspiracy blog posts about me??

Kunsel: Uh…guilty.

Angeal: Do you have any idea what you’ve done?? The fan forums have fractured into three separate camps that are actively hostile to each other. HR pulled me in for a meeting. The Turks have an open betting pool for if I’m really Zack’s father or not. Every time Tseng sees me in the elevator he shakes his head in disapproval. And!! Hojo cornered us in the mess hall yesterday and came at me with a needle for a paternity sample!

Sephiroth: I had to fight him off with a fork. 

Angeal: He had to fight him off with a fork!!

Sephiroth: The speculation also spread across the globe. Mrs Hewley called the department line upset that she was being kept from her grandchild. Fortunately, I handled it and consoled her. 

Angeal: Wait WHAT?

Sephiroth: 

Kunsel: Okay, in my defense, I’m just providing content! I can’t control what people do with information. That’s on them for being dense!

*Zack stomps around the corner and points at Angeal*

Zack: So you’re just going to recommend those new Third Class rookies for First Class over me?? Your own son?? Your flesh and blood??

Angeal: For the last time, I’m not your father! And if I was, you wouldn’t be in SOLDIER to begin with, YOU’D BE IN COLLEGE! 

Zack: YOU’RE THE WORST DAD EVER!

*He runs off*

Angeal: OK THAT’S IT. Kunsel, find something else to write about. Anything. I don’t care what. Just not this!

Kunsel: Yeahh..you’re right.

*He produces a video camera, points it at himself, and hits record*

Kunsel: What’s up SOLDIER fans! Today’s deep dive: Sephiroth and the mounting evidence that his biological father is a long lost Turk who is rumored to be a vampire.

Sephiroth, interested: Hm.