started making it. had a breakdown. bon appétit

*Sephiroth and Reno have been sent to review mission equipment at a sub-level storage warehouse because they’re the respective SOLDIER and Turk assigned to it. Reno is drawn towards a bed*

Reno: Hey look, a bed.

Sephiroth: It’s probably a prop. Or knowing Shinra, a containment unit with a mattress on top.

Reno, sitting down: Nope! It’s real. Man, I haven’t sat down for more than four minutes this week. These back-to-back assignments are killing me. The VP’s had me on rotation since Monday.

Sephiroth, also sitting: I can relate. I haven’t had a break in weeks because Lazard keeps booking me for every possible task.

Reno: The manpower in this company is so unappreciated.

Sephiroth: It is.

Reno, lying down: Hey this mattress is really good. Come on, try it!

*Sephiroth tentatively lies down beside him, closes his eyes, and sighs*

Sephiroth: Finally.

Reno: I know right?

*He pulls the blanket over them both*

Reno: I wish this were a daily thing.

Sephiroth: A weekly thing would be enough for me.

*They both laugh. Tseng rounds the corner with a clipboard and sees them bonding in bed*

Tseng: ....

Reno: No no. Don’t worry, it’s not what it looks like.

Tseng: I don’t know what I’m looking AT. How did this pairing even happen? What could you two possibly have in common??

Sephiroth: We’re both starving for the same thing and couldn’t wait any longer.

*Tseng panics and rushes off*

Sephiroth: I wonder why he ran away.

Highlights from Sephiroth being forced to narrate an official SOLDIER training video

(Which was a mistake because they assumed he’d be professional instead of using the opportunity to air every grievance he’s accumulated over the years)

• “Today we’ll be reviewing several basic training exercises commonly performed by SOLDIER personnel. This training regimen has been approved by Shinra. Which is either reassuring or concerning depending on your perspective.”

*Zack sprints onscreen holding a clipboard and headset, urgently whispers in Sephiroth’s ear, then dips away*

“I’ve been informed that I’m not allowed to say that.”

• “Please note that the obstacle course is normally much dirtier. It was cleaned for filming.”

• “The grass was also installed for filming.”

• “In fact, I believe this entire field was installed for filming.”

• *gesturing* “These exercises are designed to prepare you for real combat situations. Which is odd, considering real combat situations generally do not provide safety mats.”

• “All personnel shown here are highly motivated” *Camera pans to Zack and Kunsel visibly struggling* “The camera crew has informed me I must clarify that none of them are being held against their will.”

• *As the camera films an argument between Genesis and Angeal* “Teamwork is, unfortunately, essential”

• “Here we see a mock combat exercise. Nobody involved likes each other.”

• “Many recruits dream of becoming SOLDIER First Class. After achieving this goal, you too can be asked to spend your afternoon filming training videos instead of completing your actual work.”

• “This exercise teaches awareness of your surroundings. For example, there is currently a camera behind me. And Zack has been attempting to signal me to stop talking for the last four minutes.”

• “Many people believe SOLDIER life is glamorous.” *camera pans to a recruit face down on the ground* “Those people are incorrect.’

• “Here we see a standard team-building exercise” *camera pans to Angeal holding Genesis in a headlock as they continue to argue*

• “Shinra provides excellent opportunities for career advancement.” *camera pans to Angeal and Genesis* “they’ve been promoted twice.” *camera pans to Kunsel* “he’s been promoted once.” *camera pans to Sephiroth* “And I’ve been trapped in the same position for years.” *furious shouting from the production staff*

• *Camera films Hojo walking into the training area carrying a clipboard* “Every ecosystem contains a natural predator. Notice the body language of the recruits as they back away. This is called survival instinct.”

Lazard: Last take! Please just say “I love working for Shinra.”

Sephiroth: No

Lazard: Why?

Sephiroth: Because if we’re teaching recruits, I think honesty is important.

Lazard: And what would the honest version be?

Sephiroth: “It’s too late for me. Save yourselves."

Sephiroth: Let me try to understand this. Your theory is that if Zack is given a cat to raise, he’ll absorb the cat’s qualities through proximity and become calmer and more dignified?

Angeal: It’s not just a theory! It’s a fact that the animals you grow up around shape your instincts. Zack grew up in Gongaga with about fourteen neighbourhood dogs and it shows. The energy, the attachment, the inability to walk past someone without checking if they want to play. A cat could change everything. Maybe he’ll even learn to sit by a window and simply exist without needing to interact with everything.

Sephiroth: ...I don’t think the animals one grows up around have any meaningful effect on behavior.

Angeal: Quick, name three animals you grew up around. First ones that come to mind.

Sephiroth: Nameless Lifeform 3-F, winged experiment #212, and— ......

Angeal: :)

Sephiroth, sighing: I’m going to get a start on that mission report.

*Sephiroth leaves. Zack walks up looking nervous*

Angeal: Hey! How’s the kitty?

Zack: Don’t be mad, but I lost it!

Angeal: What!? I didn’t even get to meet it!

Zack: I know! Whiskers was completely fine! Kunsel and I were feeding him, but then we got into a debate about whether he prefers fish or chicken. We turned around for two seconds and he was gone! Now poor Whiskers is out there alone somewhere in this building!

Angeal: Hey it’s okay! He’ll turn up! The good thing about everyone here is they’re decent people who are all, at varying levels, completely starved for affection. Someone will find him and take care of him. Don’t panic!

*Sephiroth comes back, happily leading something by a leash*

Sephiroth: Look at what I found in my office! <3

Zack: Whiskers!

Angeal: OH GOD THAT’S A TIGER. I SAID KITTY! GET A KITTY!

Zack: Anything’s a kitty if your heart is full of love, Angeal.

Angeal: THAT’S NOT—I CAN’T —OH GODDESS WHY CAN’T I BREATHE!?

Sephiroth, petting the tiger: Because your heart of full of prejudice.

Idk if you've done this before but, AGS and Cloud finding out Zack's full name is Zachary and what they do with this information

Depending on the post, it was probably written at 2 am too 😂 🩷 (HEADCANON TIME >:))

*It’s performance review results time. Tseng is reading from a clipboard*

Tseng: When I call your name please come collect your results. ...Zachary Fair.

*Everyone in the room laughs*

Zack: WHAT? A guy can’t have a full name and prefer the shorter version?? That’s completely normal!

Genesis: It’s a little unusual in our line of work, that’s all. Most men here operate on a single standalone name. Zachary has a very particular mature quality to it that doesn’t suit you.

Tseng, squinting: Genesis Alexander Rhapsodos.

*More laughter*

Sephiroth: Your full name reads like a tongue twister. Try saying it threw times quickly. One cannot, without choking.

Genesis: OH SHUT UP—

Tseng: Cloud Wulf Strife.

Zack: HOW IS YOUR NAME COOLER THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE?

Cloud: GEE, THANKS

Tseng, quickly, to end their arguing: Angeal John Hewley!

*Laughter starts—*

Angeal: John was my father’s name. He passed when I was young :(

*—Laughter immediately stops*

Sephiroth, hand on his shoulder: I envy you for that. I’d give anything to have a name with someone attached to it.

Tseng, reading: ...And Sephiroth Crescent-Valentine.

Sephiroth: !?

Tseng: Whoops! Seems like I’ve made a typo! Pesky muscle memory made me type out my headcanon, haha. Moving on—

I love the implication that not only is Sephiroth inexplicably good at fashion, but that the moment he gets control of Cloud’s body he immediately starts treating him like a life-sized dress-up doll.

*Tifa has been trying not to say anything because Cloud has been acting strange all day, but something is bothering her*

Tifa: Hey, uh... Cloud? I’m not judging you or anything, but are you wearing a scarf?

Cloud: Yes.

Tifa: It’s summer.

Cloud: And?

Tifa: And you’re wearing jewelry, and your boots match your belt, and, just—why is everything coordinated??

Cloud: It’s a look!

Tifa: Since when do you have looks? You’ve never matched a day in your life. Something’s clearly wrong with you.

Cloud: Nothing’s wrong with me!

Tifa: It’s fine—just—come here, let me take the scarf off before you sweat to death—

*She reaches for it. Sephiroth materializes into existence*

Sephiroth: Don’t you dare touch the scarf. You’ll throw the entire silhouette off balance.

Sephiroth wouldn’t have minded babysitting someone in this unfortunate scenario—another victim of Genesis testing age reversal materia in his endless quest for vanity and eternal youth. Unfortunately, the victim was that infantry grunt who follows Zack around; the one Sephiroth is increasingly convinced is out to get him.

Angeal had insisted Cloud was perfectly nice and that watching him for a few hours would be “doing Zack a favor.”

So now Sephiroth is sitting in his office across from a five-year-old Cloud. The child hasn’t spoken nor touched the coloring book they provided him with.

Child Cloud is gripping a single concerningly sharpened crayon like a combat knife, arms crossed, staring directly into Sephiroth’s eyes like he’s memorizing a target.

Sephiroth: ...

Cloud: ...

*Angeal, Genesis, and Zack walk in. Immediately Cloud’s entire demeanor changes. He lights up, grabs the coloring book, and starts drawing happily*

Sephiroth: !??

Zack: Aww! Look at him! He’s been so good, hasn’t he? Look at him drawing!

Sephiroth: I assure you, he just started. He wasn’t doing that a few moments ago. He was silently threatening me with a crayon and staring into my soul.

Angeal: Oh, Sephiroth, don’t start. Of course he’s going to over-sharpen a crayon and stare a little. He’s a child. What are you drawing, sweetie?

*Cloud happily holds up a concerningly detailed and realistic drawing of Sephiroth being thrown into a reactor by an older version of Cloud*

Cloud: :)

Sephiroth: Look!

Zack: Wow, that’s really detailed buddy!

Sephiroth: LOOK AT IT.

Genesis: His grasp of perspective is remarkable.

Sephiroth: He drew his older self bringing about my death!

Angeal: Children draw all sorts of things! That’s not you, it could be anyone.

*Cloud writes Sephiroth’s name and an arrow to make it perfectly clear who it is*

Sephiroth: HE LABELED IT!

Genesis: Sephiroth, if you feel threatened by an exceptionally sweet child simply illustrating the products of his imagination, I think that reflects rather poorly on you.

*Cloud holds up a piece of paper. “I WILL KILL YOU” is written in large angry red letters, underlined three times*

Cloud: :D

Sephiroth, pointing: By all means, continue. I would be fascinated to hear the explanation for that one. I’d love to hear how this is actually perfectly normal child behavior.

Angeal: Children write random letters all the time. Sometimes they accidentally arrange themselves into threatening messages.

*At a meeting absolutely no one wants to be at, Palmer has assembled a massive diagram of the solar system across the conference table. Action figures of the Firsts have been placed throughout it*

Palmer, setting the Angeal figure on the moon: And then we have Angeal on the Moon! It’ll sell like hotcakes with all those fan club members. Whaddya say?

Angeal: ...You know, I’m not qualified to be in space, so I’m not entirely comfortable with the premise.

Palmer: Nonsense! You’d look great in space.

*Sephiroth, having mentally checked out approximately three minutes ago, picks up his own action figure and begins quietly playing with it*

Cid, noticing: Aww :)

Palmer: And then look! Genesis goes on Venus! We can do a whole goddess-themed playset! Golden throne, roses, poetry—

Genesis: What in Minerva’s name does my brand have to do with Venus.

*Sephiroth picks up a meteor from the model solar system and slowly raises it over Gaia*

Cid: .....

*Sephiroth slams the meteor into the planet while mimicking a sound effect (“pshhhh—kaboom!”)*

Cid: .....?

Palmer: We’re considering collectible accessories. For example, Angeal will have a galactic celestial Buster Sword!

Angeal: I’m pretty sure throwing “galactic” and “celestial” in front of it doesn’t make it space-related, but I’m no expert.

Palmer, laughing: Well neither am I!

Genesis: YES YOU ARE??

*Sephiroth retrieves the meteor and does it again, crushing Gaia beneath his action figure’s feet*

Sephiroth: Kaboom!

Cid: Is no one seeing this??

Palmer: We’re also reviewing glow-in-the-dark variants. Unfortunately the prototype line has been delayed due to a minor issue with the glow compound being highly radioactive.

Angeal: ...Yeah, I don’t really want my name tied to this project.

*Sephiroth has now built a small structure out of the remaining celestial bodies and placed his action figure on top of it. It’s a throne. He’s built a throne out of the solar system*

Cid, pointing: SHOULD WE BE CONCERNED?

Genesis: The problem is you’re trying to appeal to children and adults simultaneously. You need to choose one target audience.

Palmer: Please, what would you know about sales and product marketing? What have you ever invented that’s been commercially successful?

*Genesis, visibly stunned, slowly points at the can of Banora White Palmer had been drinking from for the past twenty minutes*

Palmer: Hm? Oh, do you want the rest of my apple juice? Here, take it. I tried to be healthier, but the damn thing tastes awful.

*Genesis immediately lunges across the table and starts strangling Palmer while Angeal grabs him around the waist and desperately tries to haul him backwards*

Palmer: ACK! CID! HELP!

*Unfortunately, Cid is currently occupied trying to wrestle a stapler out of Sephiroth’s hands after discovering he was attempting to staple all the planets together to create what he called the “Mega Planet.”*

It's the JRPG protagonist blood flowing through them as AGSZ are left to ponder why Cloud wastes his time ttying to get to SOLDIER when he could legit enter any other field of work and be WILDLY sucessful too.

(It's my personal headcanon that she too once was a JRPG protag in her youth before she settled down and all the gremlin tendecies went to our boy, how else do you explain him surviving falling from a huge ravive and only having a scrapped knee in his childhood when Tifa was in a coma ?)

*((In a kinder timeline where Cloud decided not to hide his face during the Nibelheim mission)) they’ve just stopped for a break on the way to the reactor, and Cloud somehow already foraged local berries and brewed tea from mountain herbs for a snack*

Zack: Okay, the berries I get. But you also knew that the water from the stream was safe from like three feet away, you fixed Tifa’s hat strap with nothing but a rock and a stick, and you did that cool thing where you whistle and a bird lands on your arm!

Cloud: Yeah, I guess I’m pretty crafty.

Zack: Where’d you learn all this?

Cloud: My mom taught me everything. She was really outdoorsy when I was little, so we’d come on adventures up here all the time. She taught me how to fish, how to make shelters, how to tell when a storm was coming, and how to befriend a dragon. We’d spend all day wandering around, and then she’d ruffle my hair and tell me I did a good job before carrying me home. Then we’d have dinner and she’d tell me how proud of me she was.

Zack: Wow, that sounds nice!

Cloud: Yeah. She told me to stop by home before we leave again. She wants to send me off with a basket full of food and have one last dinner together to tell me how much I mean to her.

Zack: Some mom you’ve got. She sounds amazing!

Cloud: She is. I’m gonna make her proud when I put everything she taught me to the test and finally make SOLDIER.

Zack: ...You know, you don’t have to join SOLDIER. Especially not to prove anything to anyone. You’re already capable as hell. You could make a name for yourself doing practically anything.

Cloud: But becoming a hero like Sephiroth has been my dream forever, I have to see it through! Can you imagine being Sephiroth? I’d give anything to trade places with him.

Sephiroth: Done.

*Sephiroth has been eavesdropping the whole time. He shoves Masamune, his PHS, and a set of keys into Cloud’s arms*

Cloud: !?

Sephiroth: Good luck with Hojo, my email password is the first thirteen digits of pi backwards, good luck with Hojo, Director Lazard is on speed dial, for the sake of your sanity ignore fan forums, and good luck with Hojo. Godspeed.

Cloud:

Sephiroth, pointing: If I continue down this path, I’ll arrive at your mother’s house, yes? I’m just confirming the route

BEST DATE RUNNER UP: GENESIS

On paper, the date is flawless. He knows every every correct move to make, after all— the restaurant will be impeccable, the wine will be correct, the compliments will be delivered at exactly the right moment with exactly the right tone. He’s done this enough times that it flows effortlessly which is, eventually, the problem. Somewhere around the second course you’ll notice that the compliments, while perfectly and poetically delivered, feel like they were written in advance. Like dozens of people have heard them before. That the wine recommendation came too quickly. That the eye contact is consistent in a way that’s obviously being maintained rather than just happening naturally. He’s performing a date rather than being on one, so the moment you clock it the whole thing sours. You’ll still have a wonderful evening though. But you’ll leave wondering if Genesis Rhapsodos showed up at all.

BEST DATE: SEPHIROTH

Entirely by accident though. And I mean completely on accident in the most endearing way possible. Sephiroth agreed to this because it was for charity and he was not going to be the reason a children’s hospital didn’t get funded, so here he is.

He prepared extensively, as one would for an exam, with handwritten notes, on topics of general interest, conversation entry points, ““appropriate compliments”” (bless him), what questions to ask and in what order— and!! he is visibly, endearingly terrified. He holds the door open with purpose, he asks how your day was and then listens so carefully it’s almost overwhelming, like you’re being genuinely studied by someone who finds you legitimately interesting. When he doesn’t know what to say, he says so, which should be awkward, but it’s not. Because it’s natural and honest and leads to some relatable laughter. At one point he even mentions that he prepared for this, and that he wanted it to go well because the charity matters. He says it so plainly that it lands like a brick in the best possible way, because you can tell he really cares about the cause and that’s undeniably adorable. You will go home slightly dazed and unsure what just happened and thinking about it for longer than you expected...... probably because you made a friend and now have Sephiroth’s email.

WORST DATE RUNNER UP: ANGEAL

He tried. He genuinely tried, but nerves got the best of him. He picked a good restaurant, dressed appropriately, had things to talk about. You guys were actually having a good time, because he’s so down-to-earth and easy to talk to, it barely felt fabricated.

He was doing well right up until the moment he got so inside his own head about how this is a romantic date, and whether he was doing it correctly, that he excused himself to use the bathroom. And then experienced a spiral of such magnitude in the corridor that he simply... kept walking. And walking. Then reached the door and the fresh air. And then his legs made a decision and he ran out. He sent a very thorough and genuinely remorseful apology the next morning with a gift basket though. ... Genesis will never let him hear the end of it.

WORST DATE: ZACK

He brought Cloud. No seriously, he brought Cloud. Cloud Strife was physically present at the next table, in a chair, with a menu, when you arrived. He introduced Cloud like this was normal. “This is Cloud, he’s here for moral support, he won’t say much, just pretend he’s not there.” Cloud said hi and then sat there for the entire evening in a way that was technically separate but basically not. Close enough that you could hear him ordering and occasionally see him glancing over like a relationship counsellor monitoring a developing situation. He even shook his head in disapproval at one point.

Zack himself is genuinely lovely. Very enthusiastic, warm, funny, completely present...but at one point Cloud leaned over and said “you’re doing great” to Zack, and Zack said “thanks man” and they had a brief sidebar and then Zack turned back and said “sorry where were we?”

Who is more likely to fight over it and the title and who is it actually given to?

*Mid-mission, there is a golden apple on a low branch, glowing faintly. Scratched into the skin: “TO THE ONE TRUE HERO”*

Genesis, grabbing it: Well, I think we all know who this is for!

*Angeal grabs it before Genesis can bite into it*

Angeal: No, don’t! What if it’s for Sephiroth?

Genesis: How wonderful. How truly faithful my best friend is to me. A magical apple appears on a tree, with an inscription about heroism, and your first instinct is that it belongs to someone else.

Angeal: If a mysterious glowing apple appears, and none of us know what it does or where it came from, yes, I’m going to assume it’s for the one of us with supernatural eyes, silver hair, and a sword that crawled out of a void dimension and selected him personally.

Sephiroth: ...

Genesis: But apples are my thing! Sephiroth doesn’t even like apples!

Sephiroth: Who said I don’t like apples??

Genesis: I have offered you a Banora White every single day for the entire duration of our friendship and you have declined every single one.

Sephiroth: The man who once stood behind me, slowly ran his hand through my hair, and said “how beautiful, such a shame if something were to happen to it” — that man has been offering me apples daily, and you think I should just eat them without question??

Angeal: Neither of you are touching it. No true hero argues over a piece of fruit like this!

Sephiroth: What if we rock paper scissors for it?

Angeal: Absolutely not.

Genesis: Oh, so now you want the apple!

Sephiroth: If it’s mine, I’d like to have it, yes.

Angeal, taking out his pocket knife: FINE. You idiots can split it. Whatever happens, happens to both of you at the same time and I only have to write one report.

*He cuts the apple, they each take a half, and bite into it*

*Poof*

*There are two toads where Sephiroth and Genesis once were*

*Moogles laugh in the distance*