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On my hands and knees for more Kunsel content, he has all the gossip and I wanna know it
*Kunsel is leaning against the wall, arms crossed outside the briefing room. You approach him and it triggers cutscene dialogue*
Kunsel: Hey. Psst. Walk natural. Don’t look at me, look at the floor.
Kunsel: So, word on the street is the VP and Tseng got into a screaming match on the 34th-floor stairwell. The reason? Tseng had a single, stray blonde hair on his suit, and Rufus went nuclear because he thought he was being replaced by a romantic pursuit.
Kunsel: And that Cloud kid? The blond infantry grunt Zack keeps trying to hype up like he’s the next big thing. Kid was spotted in a maintenance closet trying to calibrate a bunch of stolen copper wire and some equipment. Word is he’s fixing an alleged time machine. Freaky stuff.
Kunsel: Also, you know Reeve from Urban Development? Big executive guy? Yeah, don’t let the anxiety fool you. I tapped the breakroom vents and heard him straight up shit-talking the President. Said—and I quote—“Shinra’s better off being run by sewer rat than that senile, ignorant twat.”
Kunsel: And as for that trio of Firsts. Look, kid, you didn’t hear it from me, but the whole floor is buzzing because they’ve been seen locked in the same quarters for six hours together every night. The lower ranks are whispering “passionate workplace romance,” but I got the real scoop: it’s Dungeons & Dragons. Genesis is the DM and he’s been running the whole thing for weeks.
Kunsel: That’s all the juice I got for ya. Now scram before the Turks catch on to the operation.
*You walk away, confused. You then pause, turn around, and walk back into his trigger radius. The dialogue starts up again*
Kunsel: Hey. Psst. Walk natural. Don’t look at me, look at the floor—
what's the mess hall seating situation at soldier? do people have unofficial table groups like do the firsts always eat together? does lazard eat in his office?
Everyone pretty much sits with their friends and usual squads. It just so happens that the three most infamous SOLDIERs are best friends and always eat together, which means their table has, entirely against their will, become the cool table. The first time Angeal invites Zack to join them for lunch, he’s vibrating with excitement as he leaves the serving line beside Kunsel.
Kunsel: C’mon, before Sebastian and Essai steal all the good seats.
Zack: Sorry, man! But I can’t sit with you guys today. Angeal invited me to sit with him and the other two! Can you believe it!?
Kunsel: Oh, cool.
Zack: Cool? Cool?? Kunsel, do you understand what this means?
Kunsel: That you got invited to lunch?
Zack: This is a career-defining moment! I’m gonna sit with the First Class at their table!
Kunsel: It’s just a table.
Zack: That’s not just a table! It’s practically an officiating ceremony, it’s the highest rank you can reach before one finally becomes a hero! That’s like getting invited to King Arthur’s Round Table!
Kunsel: Pretty sure that’s just a table.
Zack: This is the last you’ll see of me before I ascend socially. I’m about to learn things, expand my knowledge, and the next time we meet, I’ll be a changed man.
*He marches over there , grinning, and slides onto the bench beside Angeal*
Angeal: Oh, hey! Guys, this is Zack, I was telling you about.
Zack: Hey! It’s nice to m—
*Genesis squirts ketchup onto his steak*
Zack: ....
Genesis: As I was saying, yes Angeal, you should take up reading before bed. It acts as a natural sedative.
*Angeal dips a banana into his clam chowder*
Zack: ....
Angeal: Or I could try sedative teas. I’ve heard good things about chamomile.
*Across the table, Sephiroth is holding his knife like a dagger. He hasn’t used his fork once. Instead, he stabs pieces of his chicken and eats it from the knife like a hunter savoring his kill*
Zack: !
Genesis: Why don’t you just give melatonin supplements a try?
*Genesis opens a container of chocolate pudding, scoops out a massive spoonful, and spreads it smoothly across the top of his ketchup-soaked steak*
Zack: ........
Angeal: Because those are highly addictive and I don’t want— ....what are you doing?
Genesis: The bitterness of the cacao pairs beautifully with the acidity of the ketchup.
*Angeal takes a salt shaker and vigorously shakes it directly into his glass of orange juice*
Zack: ......!!??
*Sephiroth finishes his chicken leg. He then bites into the bone with a satisfying crunch and begins chewing*
Zack: !!
Angeal: By the way, Sephiroth, how’s your chicken?
Sephiroth: It’s chocobo.
*Zack stands up, picks up his tray, and walks straight back to Kunsel’s table, sitting down without a word*
Sephiroth: Absolutely not. It implies that I possess a flavor profile. The concept of an ordinary citizen masticating on an abstraction of my likeness is deeply uncomfortable.
Lazard: Moving on. Sephiroth wine coolers.
Sephiroth: Hard pass. I won’t be the reason for a sudden boom in underage public intoxication in Sector 5.
Lazard: Fine! Sephiroth-branded flamethrowers.
Sephiroth: In what world is that a good idea?
Lazard, frustrated: Well, the marketing division is officially out of options! You already vetoed the Sephiroth soup thermos, the Sephiroth deodorant, the Sephiroth eyeglasses, the Sephiroth pogo stick, and the limited-edition toaster that burns Masamune into the bread! The only item you actually greenlit is this basic little keychain.
*Sephiroth picks up the tiny, plastic keychain, holding it up fondly*
Sephiroth: Because it’s basic and functional. And it’s so bland that there’s zero room for misinterpretation or emotional projection. It simply exists. Oh... wait. There’s a small protrusion on the back?
*Sephiroth presses the button*
Keychain: “I love you!”
Sephiroth: That’s a lie and I won’t have it circulating on someone’s car keys.
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there are juice boxes in the cafeteria! what flavors do AGZS choose (if any)?
Angeal: Oh god, here it comes
Genesis: First of all, I would never consume juice from a cardboard box. Do you have any idea what happens to liquid stored in that kind of lining? There’s a reason Banora White juice comes in cans, you know. Second—mmf
Angeal, hand over Genesis’ mouth: APPLE. Apple. We both like apple. Move on for the love of GAIA—
Sephiroth: I’m not sure. I’ve never had a juice box.
Angeal: Really? Wait, I keep one on me in case someone’s blood sugar dips. Here.
*Angeal hands him a grape juice box*
Zack: Hmm can’t choose just one when there are so many good flavors! Maybe orange? Or no! Passion fruit! No wait! Strawberry!
*Sephiroth holds the little plastic straw, lines it up with the foil hole, and stabs. The flimsy plastic straw instantly bends in half against his grip. Sephiroth frowns*
Zack: Or wait, no! Mango! No! Pineapple! Wait no—watermelon!
*Sephiroth decides to bypass the straw. He pinches the top of the juice box with two fingers, intending to neatly peel the cardboard open. But because he has the physical strength of a god, he accidentally applies roughly four hundred pounds of pressure to a flimsy cardboard container*
*PFFFFFT*
*The juice box violently pressurizes. It explodes. Juice flies everywhere. Everyone screams and flees (Genesis screaming “I TOLD YOU SO” as he does)*
Upper Junon was too great of a risk, but staying on this continent would force them into isolation forever. Upper Junon stood tall like a mocking elite, beckoning the unknowing populace into its walls.
Even at night, the canon stood tall over the cosmic horizon.
Chapter 28:
The City of Junon stood tall against the rocky coastline. The former Republic of Junon clung to the last strands of life in the moon drawn shadow of the canon. Shinra’s oppression continued decades after victory. Wutai, far away, fought to defend their land and their dignity to prevent becoming the next warning.
Shinra prohibited the small fishing town from use of all sea vessels. No docks or private docks owned by citizens were permitted to launch any ship.
Sephiroth pried the bit of information out of the chocobo stable hand in the nearby ranch. Every detail shot down his plan for a charter, at least one with the smaller chance of Shinra finding them.
Upper Junon was too great of a risk, but staying on this continent would force them into isolation forever. Upper Junon stood tall like a mocking elite, beckoning the unknowing populace into its walls.
He felt his daughter adjust against his hold as he left the ranch and headed for the city. The rusted, barbed wire fences guided his path under the glow of the single billboard which promoted recruitment for SOLDIER. Even with his light footsteps, the occasional deer fled from the road at his approach.
Even at night, the canon stood tall over the cosmic horizon.
The roads were worn but bare. Most tourists entered the city by flight. Only the few with family, work, or connections came to the lower city by choice, the slightest remains of the old republic.
Under the canopy of cheap metal awnings came the real view of Lower Junon. The poor town barely glowed with the embers of life under the unforgiving eclipse of the canon.
On the only path to the entrance stood a woman with an electronic tablet, skimming through the screen and glancing up. Next to her, someone paced. Someone larger, broader, stronger. Someone he…recognized. The pattern of steps, the bounce of the neck length hair, the mentor-like worry in every glance up. He knew them well.
Angeal.
Run. His first instinct put his daughter’s protection first. Any loyalty to Shinra was a threat that would lead to their capture.
His rational side recalled the previous month, the maintained patrols from troops, not less or more beyond the initial surge after their battle. Angeal wasn’t a threat, but his heart told him the friendship died after their fight in the tower. Maybe this was his one and only chance to apologize? His old friend was clearly anxious but waiting for something from the pattern of pacing steps.
Sephiroth chose to take the chance. “Seraphina, I need you to try to sleep, okay? Just until I say it’s safe to talk.”
She nodded against his shoulder.
With his hand on her back, she didn’t fight the command. He felt her relax into his hold. “Don’t get too excited,” He added, mostly as a reminder for himself.
One breath: inhale, exhale, before he approached his friend.
Angeal turned to him the second he rounded the final corner of the path. “There you are, Seth! How’s the new baby?”
What god awful act was Angeal trying to put on as he approached. The current SOLDIER walked up and wrapped an arm around him.
Sephiroth tensed. Seraphina wiggled in his arms.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Come on, let’s go catch up before my mission.”
“...it’s good to see you…” He spoke in a bewildered mumble.
Angeal let out the least believable fake laugh as the man led the family back down the path they came.
Sephiroth separated from his friend and stared for an explanation. He didn’t bother scolding his daughter for turning and watching the man either.
His old friend scanned the landscape and perimeter before letting out an exhausted sigh. “I am never doing that again. I told Genesis it would be too obvious.” He reached into the pocket of his black baggy uniform pants. “Thank gods you made it…”
“Why are you here?” Sephiroth asked, removing his emotion deliberately.
“It’s good to see you too,” there was no hint of sarcasm in his words as he held out a new flip phone and a removed battery. The lack of power to the device prevented unwanted tracking, a simple tactic they used dozens of times on high risk missions. “Take this. Send a message with your location within the next twelve hours to the only number saved. Genesis will arrive to pick you up.”
Slit eyes stared at the device. So much could go wrong the second that electronic reached his hand. It begged for answers before he could agree. “Has Genesis recovered?”
“Within three weeks.”
Sephiroth let out a relieved breath.
“And the moment he was out of the lab, he started planning this.” He pushed the phone forward. “This is under my account.”
His eyes widened. “Your family-”
“You are like family to me.”
His ears rang. He stood there, stupified.
“I can afford it. It’s the cheapest plan and I don’t expect you to send too many messages. Genesis has a burner until the end of his medical leave. And no one will assume I have a permanent second phone for a secret lover or anything. So Genesis isn’t a long term option.”
Sephiroth searched for flaws in their plan. Many, of course. Multiple new concerns stared down at him in return, yet he could not deny these new issues were far fewer than if he dared step foot in Upper Junon. He slowly wrapped his hand around the device.
“Seraphina,” Angeal called with a sudden kind smile. Apparently, he could fake emotions for a child with reasonable accuracy.
The baby turned and was met with a small wave.
“Be good for your father, okay? Sorry we don’t have any more time. I need to get back to my mission.”
Sephiroth’s daughter tilted her head. “...What is your name?”
He flinched, but Sephiroth nodded simply to reassure this level of progress was expected. “My name is Angeal.”
“Angeal,” She repeated cleanly.
“You’ve got it.” He hopped back, leaning toward the town. “I have to run. The sea serpent should be here any minute.” He pointed to the phone as he jogged away. “Send that text. We’ve got you,” his final words left before he turned away and ran to the village, the Buster Sword latched proudly on his back as it reflected the silver beams of the moon.
* * *
Less of a risk than Junon.
Sephiroth reminded himself of that simple fact with every instruction he followed. His daughter watched the dark colored screen with bright white text as he typed out their latest location: ‘the edge of Isle Condor’.
He waited, watching the dark shoreline like a predator stalking prey. He searched for Shinra ships and listened for the contact of military boots. Seraphina stayed silent and still in his arms, preventing any distraction or new noise.
The darkness helped. Most would struggle to notice details within the various shadows, to catch the difference between a wave and a small ship on the water.
Just as Angeal said, a single vessel approached. The captain’s cabin sat above the living quarters lit by dim lanterns. The sliding glass door revealed couches, counters, and a television. The only possible location for sleeping quarters was below deck.
Angeal did not say it would be a yacht. A small yacht, but still a yacht. A vehicle significantly larger than they would ever need for a captain, a friend, himself and his baby. The biggest advantage stared him in the face regardless: this wasn’t a Shinra vessel. Shinra’s extravagant tastes would add a floor and triple the length, creating a cruise ship rather than private transport.
He watched the driver hop out of the cabin and open a small compartment on the edge of the ship. With chain in hand, the anchor launched into the water.
A second man came into view, a crimson coat he recognized in a heartbeat. The man stood on the deck and opened a phone with a single hand.
Sephiroth opened his silent device and inserted the battery. After the initial bootup, he received a new message.
“We’re on shore. We can only wait an hour. I’m on deck.”
Glancing up, he saw the captain enter the living area while the man in red remained outside, sitting on the water proof cushions with his back toward the land. There was a door next to the red sleeve with ladder rungs down to the water. The boat couldn’t get any closer to shore due to the rocky nature of the land.
Less of a risk than Junon.
Sephiroth held his daughter in front of him and watched her expression. “Stardust, I need you to hold onto my neck and try not to breathe in the water. It will be cold,” he saw the pleading look on her face, “but it will be quick. We’re going somewhere far away from Shinra.”
She nodded, inhaled, and puffed her cheeks as the air stayed trapped in her body.
“Only when we reach the water. Can you swim?”
The baby exhaled and shook her head.
“Yell if you’re in trouble.” He took the plastic bag of their belongings and tied the two handles together, pressing on the inflated air.
No movement, no sound, minimal leaks. It might protect their supplies. It would have to do.
On the rocky coast, he moved Seraphina to his back, confirming her grip on his neck before he walked into the water until it reached his neck. The bag stayed on his hand as he slowly treaded water toward the boat. His distance remained a far off concern. His main concern was keeping Seraphina on his back and safe above the water.
He felt relief when his hand landed on a rung. He adjusted against the ship and began climbing.
He barely made it two steps when the door flung open and he met his former friend.
Genesis stood before him with a red sling over his left arm and a black brace over his knee. Despite the injuries, he smiled and reached out to help. “Good to see you again.”
Sephiroth froze in place for just a second as all the anxieties he avoided the past few hours dissolved in an instant.
He didn’t lose either of his friends after their battle. This wasn’t a trap from Shinra.
He handed Genesis the bag of their belongings. His friend waited as he climbed the final handles before closing the door behind him. He used the added time to remove Seraphina from his back to hold her properly against his wet skin.
His child shivered.
Genesis threw a towel over them. It was warm, and Seraphina grabbed it immediately. “Get inside and help your daughter.”
Sephiroth nodded and went into the cabin, barely catching Genesis’s command to the captain.
“Brandon, get out here, it’s time to leave.”
The man stood up from the couch and individually cracked his knuckles without looking up. “I don’t care who you are. Just make sure everything is clean when you leave. Cleaning supplies are in the closet downstairs. The water heater only works during the day, but do not waste my water on frivolous showers. You get three minutes. No more. And you break any electronics, and your friend here has to pay for them. Capisce?”
Sephiroth didn’t trust his voice and nodded once again.
The captain left and closed the door while mumbling, “Not my monkeys, not my circus...”
He immediately shifted focus to his daughter, spreading the towel on the couch before laying her down and wrapping every inch around her. She seemed a little better in her cocoon. Her shivering relaxed.
“We’ll find somewhere to dry you off completely, okay?”
She tried to move her arms but they were trapped in the confines of the bundle. “Dada… you’re wet...”
He barely noticed his hair rapidly dripping on the mounted rug. Or his soaked clothes. Or the puddle growing beneath him. “I’ll be okay. I’ll take care of it soon. Let’s keep you warm first, okay?”
The sliding door opened and another towel slammed against his head, catching on his shoulder.
“Dry your hair. There’s a change of clothes for both of you in the bedroom downstairs,” Genesis took a seat on the chair opposite to the couch, unphased by forced medical supports on his body as he plopped their tiny inventory with a crunch of the plastic bag. “Then we’ll talk.”
Sephiroth saw Sera rest against him as the engine hummed to life. For the first time, they were both safe. He denied the potential deception at the genuine kindness of his friends’ words and actions. All he had in this moment to repay them were two simple words: “...Thank you…”
Just getting back into FF7 after taking a bit of a break, and your blog was one of the first places I wanted to revisit because it always cheers me up 🥹 Do you think Cloud and Tifa ever sit around reminiscing about Aerith? Do they ever tell each other stories about her years later?
Oh definitely. Though I think half of reminiscing about Aerith is accidentally discovering that they apparently knew two completely different versions of the same woman lol
*Seventh Heaven is closed for the night and Cloud and Tifa are nursing cocktails behind the bar*
Tifa: I always miss Aerith in moments like these. She would’ve loved a ridiculously pink drink like mine.
Cloud: She would’ve. Plus, she would’ve asked you to make it with the strongest stuff you’ve got.
Tifa: Yeah, she was tough. I miss her all the time.
Cloud: She was the best.
Tifa: She really was. So talented, so selfless...
Cloud: Smart, brave, one hell of a fighter...
Tifa: And such a flirt.
Cloud: Oh! So...you did notice it.
Tifa: Noticed what?
Cloud: The flirting.
Tifa: Well yeah, she flirted with me constantly.
Cloud: Wait, you too??
Tifa: What do you mean “you too”? When has she ever flirted with you?
Cloud: All the time! She would wink at me, and giggle, and tease me, and would always find excuses to grip my arm or be touchy!
Tifa: Huh. Sounds pretty standard to me. But has she ever brushed your hair, kissed your cheek, or cuddled with you whenever you had to share a room?
Cloud: NO? YOU GUYS DID THAT?
Tifa: Like I said: flirting. That’s what flirting is.
Cloud: But she cornered me into taking her on a date one time! Said I owed her one!
Tifa: Oh, we went on a date one time in Junon! We snuck out while you guys were asleep, got street food, and watched the lights over the harbor.
Cloud: But—we—but she-she told me not to fall in love with her!
Tifa: Hm, that’s odd. She would tell me she loved me all the time. Sometimes casually, other times right after we’d kissed—
Cloud: YOU TWO KISSED?
Tifa: All the time.
Cloud: ALL THE TIME?
Tifa: Just best friend kisses! Forehead kisses, cheek kisses, after-battle kisses, good morning kisses, goodnight kisses.
Cloud: You mean to tell me that all these years I’ve spent thinking of her— you guys were dating the whole time!?
Tifa: Well, no, we weren’t dating. It was just friendship!
Cloud: .....Did you guys ever get...you know... physical?
Tifa: Ok so remember what happened between us under the Highwind?
Cloud, blushing: Yes, of course.
Tifa, sipping her drink: Aerith and I would practice for that exact scenario.
Reeve handing out Cait Sith plushies to everyone who comes into his office like a children’s therapist.
*Tseng aggressively corners Reeve outside the men’s room*
Tseng: I know what you’ve been doing.
Reeve: Ok fine! It was me who started the rumor that the President’s hair is a wig, and it was me who anonymously donated three tons of materia to the slum sectors in the hope it would encourage organized resistance, and it was me who programmed a “kick Hojo in the face” minigame into the Skyview Hall training simulator! Sue me!
Tseng: WHAT— I —that’s —I meant you turning your office into an unlicensed therapy practice!
Reeve: ...Oh. Hehe. Forget everything I just said.
Tseng: REEVE. You don’t hold a psychology degree! You have no clinical training! You are directly influencing the emotional states and behavioral patterns of people who work for the most powerful corporation on the Planet. Do you understand how many things are wrong with that!?
Reeve: I just feel bad for them! A lot of these people genuinely need someone to talk to!
Tseng: Look, you’re a good man. And I’d be more than willing to write this off as “aggressive socializing”. But the Cait Sith plushies, Reeve, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
Reeve, guilty: I uh...have absolutely no idea what you’re referring to.
Tseng: The stuffed animals you’ve been distributing to people upon leaving your office. Which, when squeezed, dispense personalized advice.
Reeve: That sounds like something a very unwell person would do! Haha. Not me though.
Tseng, pulling out a clipboard: I’ve confiscated seventeen of the thirty-four you’ve distributed. Let me walk you through some highlights.
*He flips the page*
Tseng: The plushie given to the Vice President, which when squeezed says—and I’m reading this directly— “Aye, listen here, lad. Yer faither’s had his time. The Planet willnae miss him and neither will you. Just sayin’”
Reeve: I would never encourage a political assassination!
*Flip*
Tseng: The plushie given to Reno, which when squeezed says “Reno, ye brilliant idiot. Quit the Turks an tart a wee business selling yer greens. Ye know what grows well in the slums and the people would appreciate it.”
Reeve: I would never encourage drug use!
*Flip*
Tseng: And the plushie distributed to Sephiroth, which when squeezed says “All yer problems will resolve themselves naturally once the primary source of yer trauma is removed from this mortal coil”
Reeve: What?? But I programmed that one to say “Hojo. It’s Hojo. Kill Hojo. Have a nice day.”
What if there's a fundraising event with girl scouts where one group is from the top plate and the other from the slums? And top plates sell expensive brand chocolates and candies, while the slum scouts sell delicious bakeries and cookies off brand or homemade?
There's a rivalry between them to the point of gang activities, fights, and on street sabotage.
It’s genuinely baffling that something as innocent as Girl Scout cookies could throw the plates and the slums and Shinra HQ into disarray, yet here they are. Everyone has picked a side. Reeve is quietly providing the slum scouts access to inter-sector tunnels for distribution. Scarlet is supplying the plate scouts with armed security detail. And President Shinra’s official position is that the slum scouts are a criminal faction and orders the infantry and SOLDIER to intervene. This order has been met with significant and widespread refusal from a good chunk of the army.
Zack refuses because his girlfriend is from the slums, and he stands by the people. Genesis has begun drafting a manifesto, arguing that plate children deserve the dignity of a normal childhood experience and that their privilege is not their fault. Angeal tried to remain neutral, but when ordered to confiscate contraband cookies from Sector 5, he simply bought their entire inventory out of pocket and told them to run. His office currently looks like a bakery.
And Sephiroth refuses to pick a side, because he’s the only one who seems to understand that these are CHILDREN. He’s fled two separate strategy meetings rather than declare a position.
Shinra decides to resolve this in the scummiest way possible (typical), by “targeting the root of the problem” a.k.a assembling a small taskforce of SOLDIER and Turk personnel, and sending them to shut down the slum scouts’ base of operations: the warehouse where the cookies are actually made.
*Outside the warehouse*
Sephiroth: Be on your guard. This is the heart of their logistics network. Don’t underestimate them. These people have been forged in the harshest environments Midgar has to offer. They know the terrain and they have no fear of death. On my signal. One, two—
*He opens the door*
*Aerith is standing on an elevated platform, aiming a machine gun at them*
*Sephiroth closes the door immediately*
Sephiroth: We’ve failed this mission.
Reno: WHAT—
Sephiroth: Missions can be failed. We’re only human. No one can reasonably expect a 100% success rate.
Reno: WE DIDN’T EVEN TRY. YOU OPENED THE DOOR AND CLOSED IT IN UNDER A SECOND.
Sephiroth: I refuse to be shot in the face because of a snickerdoodle.
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Sephiroth grew up pretty isolated, which means there's got to be common sayings that confuse him. For example, I picture him hearing something like "curiosity killed the cat" and demanding a full explanation!
*While waiting outside the briefing room for Angeal. Genesis is reading a book while Sephiroth stands beside him with his arms crossed*
Sephiroth: What do you think they’re talking about in there?
Genesis: Not a clue, though I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. “Curiosity killed the cat,” and all.
*Sephiroth stares at him, mildly alarmed*
Sephiroth: Which cat? A cat was killed?
Genesis: Hm? Oh. No, darling, it’s an idiom. It means excessive curiosity tends to get one into trouble.
Sephiroth: What does the cat have to do with it?
Genesis: The cat is a metaphor, because cats are notoriously inquisitive creatures, and it gets them into trouble.
Sephiroth: Other animals are curious.
Genesis: It’s just an expression, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: I understand that part. What I don’t understand is why the victim is specifically a cat. Why not another animal?
Genesis: I don’t know. Most children grow up around cats, so they understand the comparison.
Sephiroth: I didn’t grow up around cats.
Genesis: Minerva’s mercy, fine! Substitute it with a creature you did grow up around.
Sephiroth: You mean like Lifeform-61A-subspecies-33.
Genesis: ...
Sephiroth: ...
Genesis: “Curiosity killed the Lifeform-61A-subspecies-33” Does that sound natural to you? Honestly. Say it out loud. Let it roll off the tongue.
Sephiroth: I advise you not to be curious about how it sounds. According to your logic, it will kill you.
Genesis: You know what? Fine! If we’re going to be agonizingly literal, let us finish the thought. The full proverb is “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”
I promise I’m not ignoring asks 🥲 just in the middle of a horrible health flare-up atm that’s not letting me focus (believe me I’m trying so hard :[. I’ll try to get things going tomorrow or this week in general because I wanna be creative so bad RELEASE ME 😭💚
Do you remember the Dragon Quest Event in Ever Crisis where Sephiroth was forced to be the villain (hailed by slimes, assumed it was a promotional video for Shinra, just wanted a nap), and Cloud and friends showed up to defeat him? Take that, make Sephiroth an adult, and Cloud is trooper Time Traveler Cloud. What happens?
The VR program simply connects to whatever compatible simulation is currently running, so Cloud accidentally logs into the middle of Shinra’s fantasy promo shoot instead of his training program.
Zack: Okay, buddy. The VR’ll boot up, you’ll get dropped into a combat environment, and you can show me what you’ve got!
Cloud: Got it!
Zack: Don’t panic if the graphics are a little weird at first, that’s normal.
Cloud: I won't.
Zack: Just have fun with it and show me what you can do :)
*There’s a loading screen, some static—then a glitch, and Cloud ends up in a throne room. With Sephiroth standing there in full regalia, holding a script*
Cloud: OI—
Sephiroth: Hm. They didn’t brief me on an additional participant.
Cloud: Where...what is this!?
Sephiroth, reading the script: Scene one, act one: “The Fall of the Kingdom”
Cloud: I knew it. I knew this was coming. You think you’re going to take over the planet and summon that meteor, you sick, predictable bastard? Well, I won’t let you.
Sephiroth, flipping through the script: I wasn’t given additional dialogue for this. Oh well, I suppose I’ll have to improvise.
*Sephiroth clears his throat*
Sephiroth: Yes. And I intend to bring ruin upon everything you hold dear. The Planet will kneel, and from the Lifestream I will remake existence in my image.
Cloud: YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS
Sephiroth, laughing: I already have. You were always too late, too small, too weak to save anyone.
*Cloud screams and launches himself at him*
(Meanwhile, in the VR observation room)
*Zack is happily eating popcorn while watching the monitor. Angeal walks in and looks at the screen*
Angeal: ...Zack. Why is your infantry friend in Sephiroth’s commercial shoot.
Zack: I accidentally entered the wrong environment code and he ended up in that session.
Angeal: ...Why is he fighting Sephiroth.
Zack: I dunno, it’s got a really complicated plot! I think Cloud used to date Evil King Sephiroth, but then Sephiroth betrayed him, so now they’re bitter exes, except they’re secretly still in love, and this sword fight is probably symbolic.
Angeal: ... And why is the infantryman winning??
Zack, shrugging: Because that’s Cloud Strife, duh.
What are Lazard and AGS's tips for coping with this heat? It's starting to feel like an oven where I am!
(Wanna trade?? Answering this while it’s currently 11°C and I’m wearing thermal socks and 3 layers 🥲)
Genesis: “I don’t understand the problem. Whenever the heat becomes unbearable, I simply pay two Third Class rookies to follow me around all day. One carries a fan, the other keeps refilling my iced Banora White juice. They alternate every twenty minutes to avoid fatigue.”
Angeal: “Oh, you know, embrace it! Summer only comes around for so long. Make yourself cold drinks like fresh lemonade, iced tea, and fruit juice. Eat plenty of watermelon, keep your curtains closed, and put a few plants around you because they help keep things feeling cooler. If all else fails, just stick your head inside the fridge and scream :)” <- man who’s done that last part seven times in the last hour.
Sephiroth: “I’m probably not the best person to ask. The weather doesn’t usually bother me. I have, however, noticed people become significantly more irritable after I inform them how many deaths are attributed to extreme heat each year. And that technically, heat kills more people annually than most natural disasters. And how heatstroke can progress rapidly if left untreated. So I would avoid that information, as you could find unavoidable reality distressing.”
*Lazard can’t answer because he’s too busy telling Genesis that the Third Classes are not exploitable labor, pulling Angeal’s head out of the break room fridge, and calming Zack down after Sephiroth thoughtfully informed him of the signs and mortality rate of heatstroke*
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Starting to notice that while Sephiroth is really smart, if there's a window of opportunity to get out of a mission or situation.
He'll take it.
Because he’s smart. Don’t get me wrong, Sephiroth has unwavering loyalty to SOLDIER, his friends, and his comrades. Hostage situation? He’s there. Monster terrorizing a village? He’s on it. Somebody needs him to stand between civilians and a firing line? He’ll do it without hesitation. But he’s also the type of person who values military work and duty. Which means he has an extremely low tolerance for missions that are obviously nonsense.
Minor monster extermination assignment that could’ve been handled by a Second Class? They’re sending him with a photographer and a publicity team on one of his rare free days so Shinra can get action shots for a brochure??Absolutely not. They drop him off at the mission site and he’s barely listening to the briefing, already thinking about the next opportunity to sit down and do absolutely nothing for a few hours.
Tseng: And then you’ll proceed north along the coastline while the photography team documents the operation.
Sephiroth: Mhm.
Tseng: The wind conditions should be favorable for the promotional material.
Sephiroth: Mhm.
Tseng: And once you locate the monster nest, try to engage near the shoreline. The lighting against the waves will photograph well.
Sephiroth: Mhm—wait, waves? Where are we exactly?
Tseng: Roughly twenty kilometers from Costa Del Sol.
Sephiroth: Fascinating. Twenty kilometers in which direction?
Tseng, pointing: If someone continued walking that way, eventually they’d arrive.
*Sephiroth immediately starts walking in that direction*
Sephiroth: I’ll patrol the region. Don’t wait for me.
Tseng: Sephiroth the monster nest is in the opposite direction.
Sephiroth: I’m sure that's what the monster wants you to think.
Tseng: No, our scouts literally observed it in that direction.
Sephiroth: Vision fails us all the time.
Tseng: They used equipment.
Sephiroth: Equipment fails us even more often.
Tseng: We have six separate reports.
Sephiroth: Statistics are not immune to error.
Tseng: Sephiroth, stop! Turn around!
Sephiroth: I would if there were evidence suggesting I should.
Tseng: There is! I just told you what we know! And we placed a giant red circle on your map labeled “MONSTER NEST.”
Sephiroth: All human knowledge is ultimately interpretive.
Tseng: Get back here!
Sephiroth: I’m doing a perimeter sweep as standard protocol.
Tseng: The perimeter is behind you!
Sephiroth: Then I’ll loop back around.
Tseng: But that loop would take you directly through the resort town!
Sephiroth: The monster may have migrated toward the coast. I’m following the evidence.
Tseng: THERE IS NO EVIDENCE
Sephiroth: I’ll radio when I’ve assessed the situation, found a hammock, and ordered a mango cocktail.
Genesis and Sephiroth wake up with each other's hair color
Sephiroth wakes up looking like Elliott from Stardew Valley, and Genesis canonically wakes up one morning and finds that distinct silver nestled in the copper. And maybe discovered that wishes are much less poetic when they begin coming true. Suddenly every idle and fleeting moment spent wishing he looked a little more like Sephiroth becomes enough to make him physically ill. Even more than he already is, with the degradation beginning to reveal itself before he even knows what’s happening to him. As there’s something so hauntingly nauseating about spending years romanticizing a thing only to receive it and immediately think “dear goddess, put it back”
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