started making it. had a breakdown. bon appétit

*Lazard walks into his office and sees four frogs on his desk. For once, he doesn’t freak out. He laughs, walks in, claps slowly, and sits down in front of them*

Lazard: Well well well. Seems a certain group of individuals got ahold of the wrong materia and have come to me for help.

Lazard: I can’t say I’m disappointed, though I am a little surprised. You four have really lost your minds, you know that? Apparently destroying the training room and setting off emergency alarms wasn’t enough. Now we’re experimenting with transformation magic.

Lazard: Sephiroth, I assume you’re the larger frog.

Large frog: ...

Lazard: Really? You couldn’t stop the other three from playing with unidentified materia? I see friendship has clouded your judgment.

Sephiroth, walking in slowly: ...?

Lazard: Oh.

*Lazard points at the large frog*

Lazard: That’s not you?

*Sephiroth points at himself*

Sephiroth: This is me.

Lazard: ...

*Sephiroth points at the frog*

Sephiroth: That’s a frog.

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: A frog is an animal.

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: It’s currently 1400 hours. We’re in Midgar. The year is 1999. Your name is Lazard Deusericus and you’re the Director of SOLDIER. Remember?

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: Is everything alright? You seem disoriented. Are you hallucinating and mistaking the frogs for your operatives?

*Lazard continues staring at him blankly, so Sephiroth sticks his head out the door and calls down the hall*

Sephiroth: Genesis, get in here. Lazard found and ate the cannabis brownies and is unwell.

Lazard: THE WHAT?

Sephiroth: Never mind, he’s fine.

*He runs out*

Look up "shampooed and blowdried" cows for that imagery but as Darkstar! XD

All I can picture happening is Rufus worrying that Darkstar will feel self conscious after the grooming disaster and immediately deciding the solution is simple: If Darkstar has to be fluffy, everyone around Darkstar has to be fluffy. Nobody likes this plan, nobody is consulted, nobody is exempt from the mandatory perm.

*In the elevator - Reno and Rude have perms*

Reno: We look so out of place! This doesn’t even remotely suit me.

Rude: At least you don’t have to wear a wig.

Zack, walking in: Woah, hey, why do you guys have perms?

Reno, lightbulb moment: Oh, haven’t you heard?

[Three hours later]

Angeal: For the love of—WHY IS YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT?

*Zack’s curls are so dense and aggressively firm they don’t move when he turns his head*

Zack: Reno told me it’s the newest fashion! The latest trend! Everyone has one!

Angeal: Name one person! Point out one person around here who looks like that!

*Rufus walks past with Darkstar, whose fur is absurdly fluffy. Zack points excitedly*

Zack: Look! Darkstar has it!

Angeal: THAT’S A DOG.

It leads to curiosity haunting everyone day and night, and surfacing at the worst possible time —mid-mission, when Sephiroth and Genesis are supervising Zack’s field assignment, in active pursuit of a target.

Sephiroth: The target is behind that ridge. Zack, you take the left flank, draw it out, we close from the right.

Zack: Got it, got it. Hey, when’s the last time you actually cut your hair?

Sephiroth: ....There’s an active target in pursuit and you’re asking about my hair.

Genesis: It’s a fair question, Sephiroth. Situational awareness is everything in the field.

Sephiroth: Focus on the assignment.

Zack: But have you ever thought about going short? Just like, practically speaking?

Sephiroth, ignoring: The target is moving, focus!

Genesis: Look at Zack’s hair. Wouldn’t that be more convenient for you? More practical?

Sephiroth: Genesis, stop distracting him, we’re supposed to be supervising a live assignment, what is this actually about??

Genesis: Fine! There’s a rumor going around that your strength is tied to your hair length, and frankly the entire building wants to know, and I will not lie to you, so do I.

Sephiroth: That’s the single most ridiculous theory I’ve ever heard, and you’re choosing to entertain it during an active mission??

Zack: Have you ever thought about cutting your hair.

Sephiroth: I can’t just—

Zack: Could you cut your hair.

Sephiroth: That’s not what I—

Zack: WHEN will you cut your hair?

Sephiroth: FINE, FINE, HERE—

*He draws Masamune and swiftly cuts his own hair short*

Genesis & Zack: !!!

*Sephiroth lifts the giant boulder they were hiding behind—with one hand—and motions for them to hurry*

Sephiroth: And my strength is the same. Now will you both please refocus and pass through the—why are you screaming??

Zack, pointing: BECAUSE IT GREW BACK ALREADY

Genesis: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE YOU’RE LIKE A LIZARD

*Sephiroth’s hair is already cascading back down to its full original length*

Level 1: “Oh, nice” —Genesis, Angeal, Zack

All three grew up in hot climates, so spicy food is just... food. Mideel and Gongaga cuisine don’t exactly tiptoe around seasoning, so none of them are impressed by someone adding a little heat to a meal. Zack is the easiest, hand him something spicy and he’ll just think it’s normal and keep eating. Angeal treats it like any other ingredient. Genesis enjoys spice, but he’s absolutely insufferable about it with “There’s a difference between enhancing a flavor profile and chemically assaulting your own tongue.” Five minutes later he’s explaining pepper varieties like a wine sommelier.

Level 2: “How??” — Sephiroth

Can handle anything, but not because he likes spice, it’s because years of medical meddling have completely ruined his understanding of what constitutes a strong flavor. The lab fed him nutritional compounds, supplements, medicines, chemical stabilizers, experimental formulations, and things he’s fairly certain dissolved metal, so his baseline is broken. Somebody gives him a curry so spicy that Angeal starts sweating just from the smell. Sephiroth takes a bite, “It’s a little warm.” People around him are dying.

Level 3: “WHAT THE HELL” — Cloud

Nibel Region winters are not regular, run of the mill winters. Generations of people living there adapted their food accordingly, incorporating heat into everything as a practical survival method. Cloud grew up eating food that would send anyone else to medical, and he considers it completely normal.

Zack: Here, buddy. Try this special hot sauce I used to eat all the time back in Gongaga. But only use a dollop! It’s strong, even for you :)

*Cloud reads the label*

Cloud: Gongagan Demon Pepper Extract. Diluted to 20% for safety?

Zack: Yeah, it’s—

*Cloud squirts it directly into his mouth*

Zack: NO—

Cloud: Hmm. That’s it? It’s not really—wait, where’d you get a crucifix??

Zack:

*Genesis is taking a break by watching Angeal and Zack’s training. Zack just executed a flawless takedown on a training mech using the exact maneuver Angeal spent two weeks drilling into him*

Angeal: Good job! That’s exactly what I showed you! Perfect!

*He clicks a small device in his hand, then tosses Zack a piece of candy*

Zack: <3

Genesis, standing up: Wait, wait, wait. Angeal, come here for a moment.

Angeal, walking over: What’s wrong?

Genesis: You cannot clicker train your own student. That is the single most degrading and inhumane thing I have watched you do in the time I’ve known you.

Angeal: Look, I get why you’d assume that, but it’s actually a recognized behavioral reinforcement method!

Genesis: Yes, FOR DOGS.

Angeal: Hey it works on humans too, there’s research! Just give it a chance. I promise it’s healthy. It’s only reinforcing the good behaviors, and look at him! He’s a machine now. He hasn’t missed a form correction in two days!

*Sephiroth enters with a clipboard*

Sephiroth: How are you two contributing to Lazard’s birthday celebration? Financially, or shall I put you down for refreshments and decoration?

Genesis: I’ll contribute financially.

Sephiroth: Noted, I’ll write it down.

*He clicks his pen*

Sephiroth, writing: Genesis—

*Zack tackles Genesis to the ground and begins hauling him away like an enemy*

Genesis: HEY—

Angeal: WAIT NO! ZACK, STOP, THAT’S NOT THE CUE!

*Genesis is actively fighting for his life. He is losing*

Sephiroth: Oh, my apologies, I didn’t realize this was an active session. I should come back later.

Angeal: YES PLEASE, THAT’D BE GREAT.

*Sephiroth scans his clipboard*

Sephiroth: Right, so I have Genesis down. That just leaves—

*He clicks his pen closed*

Sephiroth: —Angeal.

*Zack tackles Angeal, and begins hauling him off too*

Angeal: NO—ZACK —NOT ME—QUIT IT

Sephiroth: Excellent form, Fair. Here, I think I have something on me.

*He tosses Zack a piece of candy*

Zack: <3

*It serves as reinforcement. Zack returns immediately to his work— terrorizing Genesis and Angeal*

Angeal: Hey, Gen, I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while now, but... don’t you think you should dial it back a little?

Genesis: Dial what back?

Angeal: You acting maternal towards Sephiroth. Ever since he told us about his childhood you’ve been acting like his mother.

Genesis: I most certainly have not. So what, because I want a dear friend to be comfortable, suddenly I’m maternal? Honestly, Angeal, that accusation is completely ridicul—

*He spots Sephiroth across the hall*

Genesis: Sephiroth, that protein bar better not be counting as lunch! Do you want me to embarrass you by taking your hand and marching you into the mess hall to assemble a proper plate? And Minerva preserve me, your hair is in your eyes again. How are you supposed to train when you can only see seventy percent of the battlefield? Oh, for the love of—

*Angeal watches Genesis stride down the hall, tie Sephiroth’s hair back, hand him an apple, straighten his collar, brush a bit of lint off his shoulder, and ruffle his hair*

Sephiroth: <3

Angeal: ...

Genesis, walking back: And drink some water! No, that is not water, that is coffee. Those are different substances!

Angeal: ...

Genesis: Anyway, as I was saying, that accusation is completely preposterous.

I love any scenario that reminds us that Rufus may be the Vice President of Shinra, heir to an absurd fortune, and one of the most powerful men on the Planet, but at the end of the day he’s still just a pet owner, which means he has to deal with pet owner problems™

Rufus: Oh? What did you bring me, my darling Is that another stick? A coin? Or a—HEY. NO. DARKSTAR THAT’S A MOLDY HOT DOG—NO DON’T RUN—OPEN YOUR MOUTH. DEE. OPEN.

*Darkstar immediately begins chewing faster. Rufus is now engaged in a physical struggle with them over the hot dog*

(Ten feet away)

Zack: I still don’t understand why we can’t just get a raise. The economy can’t be that bad.

Angeal, pointing: The Vice President of the richest corporation on the Planet is currently fighting his dog for a bite of a moldy hot dog. And you say the economy isn’t that bad?

A sad kid, without any toy in his tiny white room without window.

Babyroth: Professor Hojo wants to do another experiment?"

Cloud: No

Babyroth: Ho…it's a test to see my reaction?

Cloud: No!

Babyroth holding his tears: do I have the right to eat something now?

Cloud: Since when didn't you have eaten?

Babyroth: I have cried during the last experiment, yesterday, so i didn't have the right to anything until now! Just only one glass of water.

Cloud:

Cloud: Do you want to go in a adventure?

Babyroth: Playing is foolish, it's what professior Hojo said. He said i have better things to do, as being his subject. A weapon. I'm not a normal child.

Cloud, having suddently his murder instinct switching from Sephiroth to Hojo: ….

Cloud to himself: after all, i do'nt need to kill Sephiroth if i stops him to become broken and crazy, right?

One month later, Vincent is awaken by a panicked Cloud who has some hard time to adjust to his new paternity.

But Babyroth lifes his best life for now.

New delicious food.

A plushie.

Chocobo

Candies.

Vincent was genuinely asleep. So when Cloud barges into his chamber, throws open the coffin, and starts shaking him awake, Vincent is operating at approximately 3% mental capacity because he’s half asleep. And half asleep Vincent is the type who wakes up and doesn’t know what year it is, what dimension he’s in, or whether or not he’s still dreaming.

And now there’s a blond man he doesn’t know standing over him, holding child Sephiroth. What’s worse is that Cloud is physically incapable of giving context before his statements, because he assumes Vincent knows who he is and what there is to prevent in the future.

Cloud, holding Sephiroth: Vincent, quick, I need you to help me raise this child.

Also, maybe this would cause chaos at Shinra public relations.

Genesis, holding glasses: Look at these light filter lenses, developed specifically for mako-enhanced vision. Apparently the eye strain from extended field exposure accumulates and these are supposed to help with the headaches. Tech division sent up a prototype pair.

Angeal: Those are actually quite nice.

Sephiroth: Put them on.

Genesis, slipping them on: Well? Do I look distinguished? Scholarly? Like an attractively well-read literature professor with a published collection?

Angeal: You look like the supreme emperor of all nerds. The founding father of nerdkind. The nerd other nerds write academic papers about. The nerd that gets cited in footnotes. The patron saint of every library, every reading corner, every teenage boy who ever got shoved in a locker.

Genesis: EH—

Angeal, putting them on: Here, let me try. Hm...hey do these make me look older?

Sephiroth: Nonsense. You don’t look a day over fifty.

Angeal: Oh, screw you. Here, your turn.

*He puts the glasses on Sephiroth*

*A golden aura blooms from his being*

*Two Seconds walking past trip over each other and go down*

*A holy, ethereal sound rings out*

*Kunsel, who has never voluntarily removed his helmet in a public space, removes his helmet and takes a knee*

*Lazard appears in the doorway, looks, and produces a handkerchief to wipe away a tear*

*Zack sprints in from somewhere, skids to a stop, drops to one knee, and produces a ring from his pocket*

Sephiroth: ...

*Tseng throws open Reeve’s office door and walks in*

Reeve: Oh, hey Tseng! How are y—

Tseng, producing a flask: You know what I don’t understand, Reeve?

Reeve: !?

Tseng, sitting down: Why a man of the Vice President’s caliber, education, and general discernment would choose to make out with one of his own Turks in a supply closet at two in the afternoon.

Reeve: Wow that’s—

Tseng: He chose Reno, of all people. Which I don’t care about, obviously, he’s the VP, he can do whatever he likes, I’m just a humble employee, haha. But I do find it interesting given that I am the one who has held him while he cried on four separate occasions, talked him down before every board meeting for years, memorized his coffee order, his anxiety tells, the exact tone of voice that means he’s upset. And he goes with the man who once blew up a break room while trying to boil an egg in the microwave.

Reeve: Well I think—

Tseng: No, you’re right. I should move on. Meet someone. Someone who would genuinely bother the VP if he found out. Rude is actually an option now that I think about it..

Reeve: That’s not really—

Tseng, standing up: Reeve you’ve been an enormous help. You’re completely wasted in engineering, you should be a therapist.

*Reeve watches him walk out the door*

Reeve: ....That was odd. Why did he come here? Who told them to see me?

*The door opens and Sephiroth walks in next*

Sephiroth: I’ve been feeling melancholic lately. A persistent sense of not belonging anywhere that I can identify as mine. I thought we could talk through it as usual.

*Reeve opens his mini fridge and produces a juice box*

*They’re out on assignment with an entire battalion and sharing a command tent. Angeal returns from a briefing and immediately freezes*

Angeal: Wha—What happened to my sword!? Why is it covered in mud?? And why are you two covered in scratches, bite marks and more mud?? Explain!

Sephiroth: ...

Genesis: ...

*Sephiroth and Genesis both know that the truth is completely unbelievable and shameful. A raccoon got into the tent, attempted to steal the Buster Sword, successfully dragged it outside, and then proved unexpectedly more powerful against two First Classes as they fought for possession of it. They only won because the raccoon got bored and left*

Genesis: We were aggressively making out and knocked it over.

Sephiroth: Passion clouded our judgment.

What happens is that Hojo is unfortunately the first person Sephiroth sees after waking up with amnesia and immediately decides to use this to his advantage. Because Hojo, operating without the usual filter of what Sephiroth already knows and how carefully he has to manage it, makes the choice to just tell him (almost) everything and let his apparent destiny take the wheel.

Sephiroth: Let me see if I understand this correctly....

Hojo, delighted: Yes, go on.

Sephiroth: My biological mother is an extraterrestrial lifeform. I was injected with her cells before I was born. I’ve spent my entire life being raised by a corporation. Trained as a living weapon. Used in military campaigns since childhood. Subjected to years of experiments. Monitored constantly. Burdened with absurd expectations. And I’m apparently one of the most powerful people on the Planet...

Hojo: Exactly!

Sephiroth: I need...

*Sephiroth sinks his face into his hands*

Hojo, leaning forward eagerly: Yes? What is it? Weapons? Troops? Materia? A laboratory? A private army? A cannon? An airship? What do you require to carry out your destiny?

*Sephiroth sits up*

Sephiroth: A vacation.

Hojo: Ah, of course! Nibelheim, I take it. Where you can—

Sephiroth: No, I mean somewhere with a beach.

Hojo: ...

Sephiroth: How is Costa del Sol this time of year?

Hojo: Sephiroth. You have just learned that you are the heir to a superior species and possess the power to reshape the future of this Planet. And your first thought is a beach vacation??

Sephiroth: I’m not picky. A cruise will do.

Hojo: But you’re supposed to become a god!

Sephiroth: You just told me I’ve spent my entire life being experimented on, militarized, overworked, monitored, and psychologically damaged. And you think my first instinct is going to be more work?

*Sephiroth laughs*

Hojo: ...

*Sephiroth keeps laughing and doesn’t stop*

*Sephiroth walks up to Angeal with a bag of candy*

*Boss music starts playing*

Sephiroth: Would you like to try some of these? PR sent me horror-themed sweets, but I don’t like the flavors. I can’t let them go to waste.

Angeal: Why is there evil music playing?? What is that? Where is it coming from?

Sephiroth: Hojo had me test a fortune materia this morning. It’s still active. Apparently it’s supposed to play something reflective of your future self, but it’s faulty so I’ve been told to ignore it until the effects wear off.

Angeal: Oh, okay. Yeah I’ll take one.

Sephiroth: Here, try the “You’re Finished” and take an “I’ll Kill You” — that one’s cherry flavored.

Angeal: Thanks!

*He walks away. Cloud walks past*

*One Winged Angel plays immediately*

Cloud: WHAT THE—

Sephiroth, holding out the bag: “You’re too weak to save anyone”?