started making it. had a breakdown. bon appétit

The VR program simply connects to whatever compatible simulation is currently running, so Cloud accidentally logs into the middle of Shinra’s fantasy promo shoot instead of his training program.

Zack: Okay, buddy. The VR’ll boot up, you’ll get dropped into a combat environment, and you can show me what you’ve got!

Cloud: Got it!

Zack: Don’t panic if the graphics are a little weird at first, that’s normal.

Cloud: I won't.

Zack: Just have fun with it and show me what you can do :)

*There’s a loading screen, some static—then a glitch, and Cloud ends up in a throne room. With Sephiroth standing there in full regalia, holding a script*

Cloud: OI—

Sephiroth: Hm. They didn’t brief me on an additional participant.

Cloud: Where...what is this!?

Sephiroth, reading the script: Scene one, act one: “The Fall of the Kingdom”

Cloud: I knew it. I knew this was coming. You think you’re going to take over the planet and summon that meteor, you sick, predictable bastard? Well, I won’t let you.

Sephiroth, flipping through the script: I wasn’t given additional dialogue for this. Oh well, I suppose I’ll have to improvise.

*Sephiroth clears his throat*

Sephiroth: Yes. And I intend to bring ruin upon everything you hold dear. The Planet will kneel, and from the Lifestream I will remake existence in my image.

Cloud: YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS

Sephiroth, laughing: I already have. You were always too late, too small, too weak to save anyone.

*Cloud screams and launches himself at him*

(Meanwhile, in the VR observation room)

*Zack is happily eating popcorn while watching the monitor. Angeal walks in and looks at the screen*

Angeal: ...Zack. Why is your infantry friend in Sephiroth’s commercial shoot.

Zack: I accidentally entered the wrong environment code and he ended up in that session.

Angeal: ...Why is he fighting Sephiroth.

Zack: I dunno, it’s got a really complicated plot! I think Cloud used to date Evil King Sephiroth, but then Sephiroth betrayed him, so now they’re bitter exes, except they’re secretly still in love, and this sword fight is probably symbolic.

Angeal: ... And why is the infantryman winning??

Zack, shrugging: Because that’s Cloud Strife, duh.

(Wanna trade?? Answering this while it’s currently 11°C and I’m wearing thermal socks and 3 layers 🥲)

Genesis: “I don’t understand the problem. Whenever the heat becomes unbearable, I simply pay two Third Class rookies to follow me around all day. One carries a fan, the other keeps refilling my iced Banora White juice. They alternate every twenty minutes to avoid fatigue.”

Angeal: “Oh, you know, embrace it! Summer only comes around for so long. Make yourself cold drinks like fresh lemonade, iced tea, and fruit juice. Eat plenty of watermelon, keep your curtains closed, and put a few plants around you because they help keep things feeling cooler. If all else fails, just stick your head inside the fridge and scream :)” <- man who’s done that last part seven times in the last hour.

Sephiroth: “I’m probably not the best person to ask. The weather doesn’t usually bother me. I have, however, noticed people become significantly more irritable after I inform them how many deaths are attributed to extreme heat each year. And that technically, heat kills more people annually than most natural disasters. And how heatstroke can progress rapidly if left untreated. So I would avoid that information, as you could find unavoidable reality distressing.”

He'll take it.

Because he’s smart. Don’t get me wrong, Sephiroth has unwavering loyalty to SOLDIER, his friends, and his comrades. Hostage situation? He’s there. Monster terrorizing a village? He’s on it. Somebody needs him to stand between civilians and a firing line? He’ll do it without hesitation. But he’s also the type of person who values military work and duty. Which means he has an extremely low tolerance for missions that are obviously nonsense.

Minor monster extermination assignment that could’ve been handled by a Second Class? They’re sending him with a photographer and a publicity team on one of his rare free days so Shinra can get action shots for a brochure??Absolutely not. They drop him off at the mission site and he’s barely listening to the briefing, already thinking about the next opportunity to sit down and do absolutely nothing for a few hours.

Tseng: And then you’ll proceed north along the coastline while the photography team documents the operation.

Sephiroth: Mhm.

Tseng: The wind conditions should be favorable for the promotional material.

Sephiroth: Mhm.

Tseng: And once you locate the monster nest, try to engage near the shoreline. The lighting against the waves will photograph well.

Sephiroth: Mhm—wait, waves? Where are we exactly?

Tseng: Roughly twenty kilometers from Costa Del Sol.

Sephiroth: Fascinating. Twenty kilometers in which direction?

Tseng, pointing: If someone continued walking that way, eventually they’d arrive.

*Sephiroth immediately starts walking in that direction*

Sephiroth: I’ll patrol the region. Don’t wait for me.

Tseng: Sephiroth the monster nest is in the opposite direction.

Sephiroth: I’m sure that's what the monster wants you to think.

Tseng: No, our scouts literally observed it in that direction.

Sephiroth: Vision fails us all the time.

Tseng: They used equipment.

Sephiroth: Equipment fails us even more often.

Tseng: We have six separate reports.

Sephiroth: Statistics are not immune to error.

Tseng: Sephiroth, stop! Turn around!

Sephiroth: I would if there were evidence suggesting I should.

Tseng: There is! I just told you what we know! And we placed a giant red circle on your map labeled “MONSTER NEST.”

Sephiroth: All human knowledge is ultimately interpretive.

Tseng: Get back here!

Sephiroth: I’m doing a perimeter sweep as standard protocol.

Tseng: The perimeter is behind you!

Sephiroth: Then I’ll loop back around.

Tseng: But that loop would take you directly through the resort town!

Sephiroth: The monster may have migrated toward the coast. I’m following the evidence.

Tseng: THERE IS NO EVIDENCE

Sephiroth: I’ll radio when I’ve assessed the situation, found a hammock, and ordered a mango cocktail.

Jenova cells, for all they do, have contributed nothing to solving this. If anything, the hair grows back faster.

*Sephiroth tries to sneak up on Cloud. Cloud immediately turns around and parries the blow*

Sephiroth, lowering Masamune: Interesting, you knew I was coming.

Cloud: It was obvious.

Sephiroth, intrigued: You sensed my presence before I revealed myself. That means we’re tethered. You feel me before you see me, I occupy your awareness even in my absence, you move to meet me before you consciously understand what’s coming.

Cloud: No it’s because I saw this on the floor.

*He reaches down and holds up a single, loooong silver hair*

Sephiroth: You can’t prove that’s mine.

Cloud: If it refuses to stay where it belongs, it’s yours.

Sephiroth: That proves nothing.

Cloud: I also found two on my pillow this morning.

Sephiroth: That proves more than you think.

Cloud, thinking he witnesses Sephiroth being EVIL.

Reality: Seph is a nice dork.

Cloud knows there’s something wrong, and he can feel it in his gut. But the problem is that every time he tries to bring it up, Zack immediately counters with a dozen reasons why that’s impossible because “Sephiroth is actually a really nice guy!” and insists Cloud is just intimidated. Cloud has no proof....until he catches Sephiroth red handed. Literally. Sephiroth is standing alone in a corner, holding a small, shiny black sphere in his hand. Cloud nearly has a heart attack.

Cloud: Stop. Stop right there, you two-faced bastard.

Sephiroth: Strife? Is something wrong?

Cloud, pointing: I know what you’re about to do with that.

Sephiroth: Oh, you do? Well, you’re welcome to join us if you’d like.

Cloud: Join you? Willingly!? You disgust me. You must be out of your mind if you think I’m coming anywhere near you.

Sephiroth: ...

Cloud: I knew there was something wrong with you the moment I got back here. I knew you knew. And you dare stand there, acting casual about this as if you aren’t some demonic asshole??

Sephiroth, tearing up: ...

Cloud: Hand it over, you disgraceful waste of oxygen. I’m not letting you get away with it this time.

*Sephiroth quietly hands it over just as Angeal, Genesis, and Zack arrive*

Zack: Hey, what’s going on here?

Cloud: What’s going on here is that I just caught him with the Black Materia. You all think he’s a nice person? Think again. There’s only one use for this thing. He was planning to summon a meteor, wipe out the planet, rule the world with his mother, and whatever other insane thing he’s got planned. He’s an evil pest who deserves to be put down. Not even time could reform him.

Sephiroth, visibly wilting: ...

Genesis: Strife, what in Minerva’s name are you talking about? That’s not materia! That’s a pocket Magic 8 Ball!

Cloud: What?

*Cloud looks down. It is, in fact, a Magic 8 Ball*

Cloud: Oh.

Angeal: We were going to use it while playing cards.

Zack: Yeah! We thought it’d be funny to let it make decisions for us.

Genesis: Sephiroth spent days looking for one because he said the novelty amused him.

Zack: He didn’t mean any harm!

*Sephiroth covers his face and runs away, upset*

Genesis: Sephiroth, wait!

Angeal: Honestly, Cloud, that was uncalled for.

Zack: Yeah, man! You seriously hurt his feelings!

*All three run after Sephiroth. Cloud is left standing alone. He looks down at the Magic 8 Ball in his hand*

Cloud: ...

Cloud: Magic 8 Ball, is Sephiroth evil?

*He shakes it*

Magic 8 Ball: He just played you like a fiddle.

(Also please do you have an art tag)

I swear every time I try to do something creative these days it’s 💥🔫 being important at work 💥🔫 health issues 💥🔫 being pursued relentlessly by the consequences of being alive. But anyway fuck it we ball I miss being more active on here 🥲🥲🥲🥲

*Lazard walks into his office and sees four frogs on his desk. For once, he doesn’t freak out. He laughs, walks in, claps slowly, and sits down in front of them*

Lazard: Well well well. Seems a certain group of individuals got ahold of the wrong materia and have come to me for help.

Lazard: I can’t say I’m disappointed, though I am a little surprised. You four have really lost your minds, you know that? Apparently destroying the training room and setting off emergency alarms wasn’t enough. Now we’re experimenting with transformation magic.

Lazard: Sephiroth, I assume you’re the larger frog.

Large frog: ...

Lazard: Really? You couldn’t stop the other three from playing with unidentified materia? I see friendship has clouded your judgment.

Sephiroth, walking in slowly: ...?

Lazard: Oh.

*Lazard points at the large frog*

Lazard: That’s not you?

*Sephiroth points at himself*

Sephiroth: This is me.

Lazard: ...

*Sephiroth points at the frog*

Sephiroth: That’s a frog.

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: A frog is an animal.

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: It’s currently 1400 hours. We’re in Midgar. The year is 1999. Your name is Lazard Deusericus and you’re the Director of SOLDIER. Remember?

Lazard: ...

Sephiroth: Is everything alright? You seem disoriented. Are you hallucinating and mistaking the frogs for your operatives?

*Lazard continues staring at him blankly, so Sephiroth sticks his head out the door and calls down the hall*

Sephiroth: Genesis, get in here. Lazard found and ate the cannabis brownies and is unwell.

Lazard: THE WHAT?

Sephiroth: Never mind, he’s fine.

*He runs out*

Look up "shampooed and blowdried" cows for that imagery but as Darkstar! XD

All I can picture happening is Rufus worrying that Darkstar will feel self conscious after the grooming disaster and immediately deciding the solution is simple: If Darkstar has to be fluffy, everyone around Darkstar has to be fluffy. Nobody likes this plan, nobody is consulted, nobody is exempt from the mandatory perm.

*In the elevator - Reno and Rude have perms*

Reno: We look so out of place! This doesn’t even remotely suit me.

Rude: At least you don’t have to wear a wig.

Zack, walking in: Woah, hey, why do you guys have perms?

Reno, lightbulb moment: Oh, haven’t you heard?

[Three hours later]

Angeal: For the love of—WHY IS YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT?

*Zack’s curls are so dense and aggressively firm they don’t move when he turns his head*

Zack: Reno told me it’s the newest fashion! The latest trend! Everyone has one!

Angeal: Name one person! Point out one person around here who looks like that!

*Rufus walks past with Darkstar, whose fur is absurdly fluffy. Zack points excitedly*

Zack: Look! Darkstar has it!

Angeal: THAT’S A DOG.

It leads to curiosity haunting everyone day and night, and surfacing at the worst possible time —mid-mission, when Sephiroth and Genesis are supervising Zack’s field assignment, in active pursuit of a target.

Sephiroth: The target is behind that ridge. Zack, you take the left flank, draw it out, we close from the right.

Zack: Got it, got it. Hey, when’s the last time you actually cut your hair?

Sephiroth: ....There’s an active target in pursuit and you’re asking about my hair.

Genesis: It’s a fair question, Sephiroth. Situational awareness is everything in the field.

Sephiroth: Focus on the assignment.

Zack: But have you ever thought about going short? Just like, practically speaking?

Sephiroth, ignoring: The target is moving, focus!

Genesis: Look at Zack’s hair. Wouldn’t that be more convenient for you? More practical?

Sephiroth: Genesis, stop distracting him, we’re supposed to be supervising a live assignment, what is this actually about??

Genesis: Fine! There’s a rumor going around that your strength is tied to your hair length, and frankly the entire building wants to know, and I will not lie to you, so do I.

Sephiroth: That’s the single most ridiculous theory I’ve ever heard, and you’re choosing to entertain it during an active mission??

Zack: Have you ever thought about cutting your hair.

Sephiroth: I can’t just—

Zack: Could you cut your hair.

Sephiroth: That’s not what I—

Zack: WHEN will you cut your hair?

Sephiroth: FINE, FINE, HERE—

*He draws Masamune and swiftly cuts his own hair short*

Genesis & Zack: !!!

*Sephiroth lifts the giant boulder they were hiding behind—with one hand—and motions for them to hurry*

Sephiroth: And my strength is the same. Now will you both please refocus and pass through the—why are you screaming??

Zack, pointing: BECAUSE IT GREW BACK ALREADY

Genesis: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE YOU’RE LIKE A LIZARD

*Sephiroth’s hair is already cascading back down to its full original length*

Level 1: “Oh, nice” —Genesis, Angeal, Zack

All three grew up in hot climates, so spicy food is just... food. Mideel and Gongaga cuisine don’t exactly tiptoe around seasoning, so none of them are impressed by someone adding a little heat to a meal. Zack is the easiest, hand him something spicy and he’ll just think it’s normal and keep eating. Angeal treats it like any other ingredient. Genesis enjoys spice, but he’s absolutely insufferable about it with “There’s a difference between enhancing a flavor profile and chemically assaulting your own tongue.” Five minutes later he’s explaining pepper varieties like a wine sommelier.

Level 2: “How??” — Sephiroth

Can handle anything, but not because he likes spice, it’s because years of medical meddling have completely ruined his understanding of what constitutes a strong flavor. The lab fed him nutritional compounds, supplements, medicines, chemical stabilizers, experimental formulations, and things he’s fairly certain dissolved metal, so his baseline is broken. Somebody gives him a curry so spicy that Angeal starts sweating just from the smell. Sephiroth takes a bite, “It’s a little warm.” People around him are dying.

Level 3: “WHAT THE HELL” — Cloud

Nibel Region winters are not regular, run of the mill winters. Generations of people living there adapted their food accordingly, incorporating heat into everything as a practical survival method. Cloud grew up eating food that would send anyone else to medical, and he considers it completely normal.

Zack: Here, buddy. Try this special hot sauce I used to eat all the time back in Gongaga. But only use a dollop! It’s strong, even for you :)

*Cloud reads the label*

Cloud: Gongagan Demon Pepper Extract. Diluted to 20% for safety?

Zack: Yeah, it’s—

*Cloud squirts it directly into his mouth*

Zack: NO—

Cloud: Hmm. That’s it? It’s not really—wait, where’d you get a crucifix??

Zack:

*Genesis is taking a break by watching Angeal and Zack’s training. Zack just executed a flawless takedown on a training mech using the exact maneuver Angeal spent two weeks drilling into him*

Angeal: Good job! That’s exactly what I showed you! Perfect!

*He clicks a small device in his hand, then tosses Zack a piece of candy*

Zack: <3

Genesis, standing up: Wait, wait, wait. Angeal, come here for a moment.

Angeal, walking over: What’s wrong?

Genesis: You cannot clicker train your own student. That is the single most degrading and inhumane thing I have watched you do in the time I’ve known you.

Angeal: Look, I get why you’d assume that, but it’s actually a recognized behavioral reinforcement method!

Genesis: Yes, FOR DOGS.

Angeal: Hey it works on humans too, there’s research! Just give it a chance. I promise it’s healthy. It’s only reinforcing the good behaviors, and look at him! He’s a machine now. He hasn’t missed a form correction in two days!

*Sephiroth enters with a clipboard*

Sephiroth: How are you two contributing to Lazard’s birthday celebration? Financially, or shall I put you down for refreshments and decoration?

Genesis: I’ll contribute financially.

Sephiroth: Noted, I’ll write it down.

*He clicks his pen*

Sephiroth, writing: Genesis—

*Zack tackles Genesis to the ground and begins hauling him away like an enemy*

Genesis: HEY—

Angeal: WAIT NO! ZACK, STOP, THAT’S NOT THE CUE!

*Genesis is actively fighting for his life. He is losing*

Sephiroth: Oh, my apologies, I didn’t realize this was an active session. I should come back later.

Angeal: YES PLEASE, THAT’D BE GREAT.

*Sephiroth scans his clipboard*

Sephiroth: Right, so I have Genesis down. That just leaves—

*He clicks his pen closed*

Sephiroth: —Angeal.

*Zack tackles Angeal, and begins hauling him off too*

Angeal: NO—ZACK —NOT ME—QUIT IT

Sephiroth: Excellent form, Fair. Here, I think I have something on me.

*He tosses Zack a piece of candy*

Zack: <3

*It serves as reinforcement. Zack returns immediately to his work— terrorizing Genesis and Angeal*

Angeal: Hey, Gen, I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while now, but... don’t you think you should dial it back a little?

Genesis: Dial what back?

Angeal: You acting maternal towards Sephiroth. Ever since he told us about his childhood you’ve been acting like his mother.

Genesis: I most certainly have not. So what, because I want a dear friend to be comfortable, suddenly I’m maternal? Honestly, Angeal, that accusation is completely ridicul—

*He spots Sephiroth across the hall*

Genesis: Sephiroth, that protein bar better not be counting as lunch! Do you want me to embarrass you by taking your hand and marching you into the mess hall to assemble a proper plate? And Minerva preserve me, your hair is in your eyes again. How are you supposed to train when you can only see seventy percent of the battlefield? Oh, for the love of—

*Angeal watches Genesis stride down the hall, tie Sephiroth’s hair back, hand him an apple, straighten his collar, brush a bit of lint off his shoulder, and ruffle his hair*

Sephiroth: <3

Angeal: ...

Genesis, walking back: And drink some water! No, that is not water, that is coffee. Those are different substances!

Angeal: ...

Genesis: Anyway, as I was saying, that accusation is completely preposterous.