#rkjune17eval

because if anything were to come of her failures from last month, it was her attempts at not repeating her past mistakes. and like most things that jihyun keeps in her pocket, she’s more than aware that messing up a second time -- so close to a chance at debut -- was out of the question. 

so, the pressure mounts, it adds -- continues to build up with each passing day. when she’s in the masses, hidden by the crowds, when she’s spending hours rehearsing with yooa over simple dance steps that she keeps forgetting in favor of vocal notes and when she’s supposedly there at home. when she promised herself that bringing work home was a no-no.

it’s a promise she so easily breaks because the pressure soon becomes unbearable and she’s left hanging by a thread and another promise she hopes to god she doesn’t break as quickly as she does the last. 

a day before d-day, she goes over the entire performance again. silent, earbuds stuck like glue to deaf ears. concentrate a stricken chord across pained features. she’s not much of a dancer, that much is sure -- painstakingly obvious as she goes over each step and every half second it’s becoming more and more apparent how exhausted she is. 

with each step, step, step -- she feels sluggish and she’s left wondering as she laying, tired and aching on polished wood just how dancers could go day by day loving this. 

when it comes, it comes running-- the day is a frenzy of nerves. not so much from the others, it lies deeper than them. it digs further than the surface and only so much can be shown. they were here to perform, to assume a position that was better than the criteria. jihyun could only wish she was happier to perform with a group as gifted as the one she was give (if only under better circumstances).

they’re talented, that so much is a given -- visually, skillfully, the entire package. it’s only taken her under a few weeks to realize that outside of herself, royal had easily saturated itself into talent as colorful as the individuals before her. and much like the evaluation had decided, it was out of her comfort zone. it was hard to call them close, basically strangers submerged in deep waters; it was only after countless hours spent did each become acquaintances to her -- lesser than her in time but all the more dedicated when it came to reaching their dreams. 

and that was enough for her to resolve any lingering nerves that roamed from within -- last month, she had failed herself but now, it was out of the question for her to fail among a group she knew didn’t deserve her working at her absolute worst.

so, jihyun gives it her all -- like she should each performance. like she usually does when given the absolute best. but unlike most, she’s still stuck in the headspace of failure; confidence faked until the last second where it actually counts. 

like the song, she expresses her frustration -- an outburst of emotions that flow from her fingertips as they run through dark tresses and she’s belting her notes; timing them between seolhyun’s like the song had called for. she sings like she breathes, where it’s second nature and she fills her lungs with the sweet notes she knows by heart at this point. dedicated to rewrite her mistakes with a note she’s practiced without fail, 

         ✦ ˟   —————— I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN, ONE MORE TIME                         RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NEXT TO ME ,                                          I’M BELIEVING THAT -- 

and she sings, voice never once wavering from expectation -- not this time. and though her steps become sloppy and she messes up the timing as the end nears, she keeps her voice stable. it isn’t until the very end where she spares a second and finally breathes because in her eyes, this one more time had given her what she so longed for. 

but, she honestly tries not to let it bother her— how could she when the girls in her group have more talent than anyone could expect of any kt idol. variety is a given. looks? certainly. but they have singers, rappers, and dancers in their group alone. the other kt group has the same going for them and she, for one, thinks they’re well-rounded, then they’re given that song. it could pass for a chichi song in her opinion, even how disconnected parts of it seem. 

( which means let’s not talk about i got a boy, as catchy as it is but you can bring it back to 1:40 ) 

even then, her hope is infallible because they can do this. they can make the song theirs, and for a week they do. endless editing of the song creates a version they adore, one that sounds more like them, and less chaotic. choreography they cover easily. the steps are simple, it’s the body rolls that gets at least half of them— her and eunae for sure, anyway. her doubts are nonexistent when it comes to the group performance but then it comes crashing down on them. 

                                  you’re focusing too much on making the song yours — 

and tiffany hates it, she hates that one of the first times they’re going to perform on a stage in front of trc trainees won’t be theirs. both of their mga teams placed below the one trc had and tiffany’s never completely let go. the thought of anyone thinking kt just can’t compare to trc burns. not being able to showcase what they all can do, that creativity doesn’t belong solely to trc or even sphere, makes her feel guilty. looking at sooyoung, she can’t forget the feeling that she let her down— it’s because her coaching wasn’t good enough that sooyoung came so close to elimination. it’s because of her that her entire team was nearly decimated. to think that it could happen to any of them, it’s unforgivable but not irreparable. 

they still work just as hard ( tiffany thinks they might even be more motivated because of the ‘forced’ change ) and tiffany’s in love with kt girls all over again. she’s reminded once again that kt girls can rock any stage if they put their heart into it and that’s what they’re about. what better company to have a heart symbol but them? 

technicalities like rhythm, lyrics, staying on beat ( which she doesn’t in the second chorus, faltering a second behind the others but quickly covering it up with a small act of aegyo, directed towards her cousin and joy no less ), fall to the wayside because she’s having fun, something she hadn’t expected to still do with the song after the remix had caused them to fall slightly out of favor. her rap is the first part she essentially has, a glance towards eunae for her own comfort— it was like the younger said, she has to let her own color shine through— keeps her confidence at a constant high. her voice isn’t the same tone of huskiness as the original rapper but she has her own unique tone and with a wink and salute, she lets the yessir echo loudly. 

the next chorus is hers too and it’s the sentiment she wants the trc girls to feel the most, to fall in love. with the music, with them, because if kt definitely has something besides looks, she knows it’s charm. not to mention, their playfulness. as the finding nemo quote goes, (s)he touched the butt, and it’s what keeps her grinning as the coda fades out. after all, the inside joke isn’t (k)inky (t)rainees without reason.  

yet when he was finally falling into this comfort, he’d been hit with perhaps his biggest struggle in royal yet. and that was performing an lc9 song. 

sure. at first he’d thought, how cool!!!! lc9!!!!!! i love them!!!! and then the distributing of parts began and jaehyun realized that he’d be taking up gunwoo’s part –– that this meant that he was going to be lead vocal. that this also meant that he’d be singing and dancing at the same time, that the high notes would have to be reached.

previously he’d had no problem with this but nerves can be a dangerous thing. and as seen by the way jaehyun would push himself –– push, push, push –– till he could finally reach that one note that irritated him to no end; his nerves had taken a toll on him.

it had taken some talking with baekhyun for him to calm himself, to learn that this was all apart of growing up and finding yourself as an idol. 

he decides to shift those nerves into commitment, works hard to pull off this stage –– to make his hyungs proud.

                               “next we have the royal boys performing lucifer by lc9.”

the clock continues to tick and jaehyun lips get a little dry as they’re called onto stage. he drinks the honey water from his bottle before he turns to baekhyun, searching for some look of reassurance from the older boy ( he smiles when he catches it ).

the lights fall on them and jaehyun knows there’s no more time for nerves. he’ll do good. you’ll do great, he remembers baekhyun telling him.

he hears the first beat of the song and it begins.

“ 숨을 곳도 찾지 못해 나는 피하려고 애써봐도 거부조차 할 수 없는 ” ( even if i try to avoid you, i can’t find a place to hide i can’t even deny you )

he begins and the singing comes easy –– there isn’t much to dance to yet. all he knows is that he’s started this performance and that they’ll do well as a team –– he psyches himself into believing that.

baekhyun takes the next few lines as the song builds up and that’s when it really begins. 

jaehyun moves to the rhythm of the song, choreography practically ingrained in his mind by now. yien hyung had lead him well and he’d spent nights practicing move after move, unwilling to bring down the rest of his teammates.

lc9′s choreographies have always been admired for their structure and level.

he slides to the front of the formation and focuses.

“ 거부 할 수 없는 너의 마력은 Lucifer ” ( your undeniable spell is the Lucifer )

two fingers held up as he does the choreography.

the other three boys perform their parts and jaehyun focuses on giving up a good performance himself too –– facial expression and movement his priority as the older members cover their parts.

they reach the chorus and so far everything is going fine, jaehyun’s actually quite enjoying this; now that he’s got the choreography plastered all over his mind it isn’t as nerve-wrecking as he thought it would be ( at least, to some extent ).

“ 나랑 같은 곳을 바라보는 너 ” ( you look towards the same places i do )

baekhyun’s and jaehyun’s lines blend in and out and jaehyun quite honestly likes this. he thinks once again that the stage really really makes him happy.

after yien’s part it’s time for jaehyun to take the stage front and centre as the other boy’s slide to the side and truth be told he’s feeling much more confident than he’d been at the start. it’s a feeling he enjoys as he sings, centre of the stage.

“ 언제부턴가 조금씩 잘못된 것 같아 이상한 너 ” ( since before something has been wrong, you’ve been weird )

the performance is exhilarating and jaehyun feels at the very least in control of his body –– a lot more in control of his body than he would’ve been without the training royal had given him. and as tiring as the dance is, it’s fun –– it’s fun because he knows how well they work as a team –– it’s fun because he doesn’t want to let them down.

“ 마치 유리성에 갇혀버린 삐에로만 된 것 같아 ”   ( i feel like i’ve become a clown trapped in a glass castle )

the notes get higher as he sings and jaehyun focuses, gives his all.

                                          loverholic, robotronic. 

“ 니가 미운 건 아냐 싫단 것도 아냐 단지 그런 눈빛이 부담일 뿐 ”  ( it’s not that i hate you or that i dislike you it’s just that kind of stare is a burden is all )

he stands in front of his hyungs as the song reaches it’s climax. any moment soon and it’ll be baekhyun’s high note. jaehyun sets the stage for the moment, the highlight of the song.

as the lyrics state, during yien’s part the choreography does get a little robotic ( a bad joke jaehyun had cracked at one point during practice ). they settle into the formation for the chorus once more and jaehyun is hyped.

his highest note in the song comes next and jaehyun gets into position. i’m ready, he tells himself. i’m ready.

“ 훤히 들여다보고 뇌를 만져 바보 된 것 같아 ”  ( you look into me openly, touching my brain i think i’ve become a fool )

he ends off with a little smile ( smirk of sorts ) –– it’s a little hard not to when he’s finally pulled off that cursed note.

the chorus repeats itself and the choreography is one that he’s able to follow easily. this is what he’s here for.

                              “ 거부할 수 없는 너의 마력은 Lucifer ”

and just like that their stage ends.

almost all of her free time was dedicated to familiarizing herself with the choreography. she had needed a bit of help learning it at first—help which, to dawon’s relief, min was eager to provide. from there, it had taken hardly any time at all for dawon to get the idea of things—the choreography wasn’t especially difficult to learn, and the training she's received at nova thus far should help to execute it decently. while it was obvious that she wouldn’t be the most impressive dancer on the stage, she could only hope that she wouldn’t be the worst, either.

the music begins as she’s crouched on the ground, and it almost feels like the calm before the storm. could something go wrong? she has no time for doubt, however, not now—now was the time for action, and she’s determined to make it through this month’s evaluation without any problems like she’d faced last month. the fact that she’d actually gotten to practice this time around served to ease her nerves somewhat, but not entirely.

함께 떠나요 시원한 바람 속에 오늘은 다 잊고 그때 우리처럼

when it’s finally her time to sing, dawon tries to ignore the audience, hoping that she’ll manage to let go and live in the moment. she’s reminiscing about a happier time in her life—a time when she sang because it was fun—because it was something that she enjoyed—because it was something that she loved to do rather than something she felt obligated to do. things were so much simpler then, and she wasn’t burdened with even half of the fears that she faced now. if only those times hadn’t ended what felt like an eternity ago.

시간이 멈춰진 듯이 언제나 바랬듯이  REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER

for the first time in a quite some time, her lips manage to form a genuine smile throughout the entirety of the performance. she’s not entirely sure where this new optimism stems from, but she’ll be the last one to complain. maybe she’s starting to realize that she was actually capable of making it through this chapter of her life, no matter how difficult it had proved to be up to this point. while her struggles may be far from over, somehow, things were beginning to feel a little easier to bear.

함께 떠나요 시원한 바람 속에 오늘은 다 잊고 그때 우리처럼

was it even possible to return to the way things used to be? before yoo jiae—before taeha—before the accident—before the loss of her grandfather? would she ever be able to perform freely, unburdened by the sins of her past, again? only time will tell, but, for now, she has to believe that it’s possible. she has to believe that things will get easier. she’s tired of being driven by tragedy. she’s tired of allowing it to define everything that she is. she’s tired of feeling like she’s nothing more than what her past has forced her to be.

시간이 멈춰진 듯이 언제나 바랬듯이 REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER

if i can live through this, i can do anything. it’s something that junyeong recently said to her, a lyric from a song that he enjoys. junyeong’s seemed rather persistent in helping dawon forgive herself for her past lately, and with good reason; every low mood can ultimately be linked to her past rather than her present or future. but was it possible for dawon to forgive herself for something so terrible that she felt she was responsible for? in her mind, she had ruined junyeong’s life—so why was he still trying so hard to improve hers?

우리 더 늦기 전에

she wants nothing more than to keep moving forward, so why has she always felt the need to look back? was there something in her past that was preventing her from moving on? her past is what made her who she is, she knows—she doesn’t want to forget it, she just wishes that she could make peace with it. while the solution wasn’t going to come overnight, she finds herself yearning to move on—yearning to find that same happiness that had helped her to discover her dream of becoming a singer in the first place, before it’s too late.

어제처럼 느껴지는 순간

she’s spent so much time wanting to succeed for others that she’s forgotten what it’s like to want to succeed for herself. it’s not that she wants to stop drawing strength from others, but more so that she wants to remember what it’s like to believe in herself, too. maybe that’s something that she could work on and eventually learn to do with time; after all, anything is possible, and it felt like a goal that was worth achieving.

시간이 멈춰진 듯이 언제나 바랬듯이 REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER

she’s wanted this for so long, yet somehow dawon had lost sight of her dream as she became obsessed with the idea of redeeming herself for her past actions. she had forgotten that this was something that she wanted to do rather than something that she had to do. but, now, dawon was beginning to realize all of the hard work that she’s put forth to get where she is now, and she knows that her younger self would be proud of just how far she’s managed to come.