like most nights, she’s barely able to keep her eyes closed. within the long hours, the fading of night to day, she listens well to the way seolhyun’s rustling on the other side of her stills and wanes. jihyun’s glad she’s not the only one restless as the day of their debut nears. in just a few hours they’d have to wake and prepare.
and in a blink of an eye, it comes too soon. just a second ago, she had thought she was lying, sleepless in her bed -- fingers folded over the comforter as she watched dizzying blotches be made along their ceiling. the next she was standing backstage, getting mic-ed and fussed over because of how the button on her microphone pack wasn’t snapping in.
it was all happen too fast, was she even ready?
in the back of her mind, her worries tumble in. did her cousins, jeno and hyunjoon, get to the venue alright -- did sunmi end up coming? did rome manage to? was all her rehearsing enough? what if her voice cracked? or worse -- what if she tripped during the change in formations. they were all fears whose realizations had come startlingly too clear moments before the beginning.
they had gone through the pre-showcase conference as smoothly as it could have went. she replied as polite and as honestly as she could without giving away too much. she evaded the dating questions with ease, ‘ah, dating? i don’t really have much time for that -- i have too much love for my fans for a personal relationship.’ sparking laughter more than she should have -- probably winking a little too much, flirting far too often with her fans. but alas, it was all done with -- what could she do now that it was over.
jihyun tries to breath, once through the nose and the rest out between plump lips, wetten by a nervous tongue. this was an opportunity of a lifetime and it had come all too soon.
it was time.
she can feel her tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and it takes all her might to not cry then and there. didn’t she promise them she’d keep her tears for after the showcase? for after their debut stage on the music programs they were to head over to? she had so many promises up her sleeve and a world of expectations on her shoulders, they were so many and in them, jihyun found herself faltering. teeth digging deep into the red of her bottom lip, coloring it white.
she was going to be strong, she was the leader -- she didn’t have any other choice.
they gather together, huddled so closely jihyun could feel their heat. so close, she wondered if they could hear the erratic beating of her troublesome heart. or was it painstakingly clear on her face how absolutely terrified she was feeling? it was like no other -- an emotion that raked her entire being, something, quite honestly, jihyun had never once felt before.
this was different. she wanted to have only one beginning -- and today, it would be it.
today was the day -- they were finally going to make their debut: and it terrified her.
she gulps as shoulders brush against hers, and she’s closing her eyes tight. had she ever felt such a fear like she did now?
jihyun was practically shaking, a slight buzz in her step as she looks around at the others -- each face an emotion varying from her own. a mixture of excitement, adrenaline, and nerve-wracking volumes were raging among them. another buzz to add to her already intoxicated state.
she was the leader -- she should say something right? somewhere, somehow she finds her voice. a cough spilling from parted lips as she musters up a smile in the midst of her nerves. jihyun doesn’t even know where to start. “can you believe it, guys?”
“we’re finally here.” she almost whispers but it’s louder in her ears than ever. it’s repetitive, rewinding itself over and over again as she stumbles over her next words and the tears are in her throat again. “we all practiced so hard for the past seven months, and even more before that. we all want this, and today is the day we take what’s ours.” her voice softens, eyes downcast as she tries to repress the tears from coming once more -- they’re there, threatening to breach but she keeps her foot down, hands tightening around eunae’s as a precaution. “i am so happy it’s you guys that are standing beside me because there’s no way i could have made it through the last few months without any of you by my side.” her laughter smothers her voice, enough that eyes go thin and her lips spread far too wide that her hands tighten around the others’ tighter, harder to keep her ingrained on reality. hands loosen so they can loop around the other’s shoulders in another form of attachment as she glances from left to right, each face now drawn on the very back of her hand, for the next six years -- they were luxe.
“we did it!” she squeals in a way that’s oddly reminiscent of that old legally blonde character, elle woods and it has her shaking her head -- and her nerves -- because of it.
“today, tonight, tomorrow -- we’re luxe, and we’re going to motherfucking shine so bright -- they’re not going to have any choice but to look away.” she hushes the curse on her lips and smiles just as bright; shaky fingers raking through her hair before she momentarily realizes she had messed up the muse the stylists had made for her. she feels seolhyun’s fingers combing it back into place and jihyun’s hip habitually bumps into hers in thanks before her eyes graze the others once more, admiration shining so proudly in obsidian black. a magnification of their emotions spilling out of her in words flowing too quickly and perhaps a bit too breathlessly.
“luxe is love, luxe is life.” she laughs, quoting that one wretched shrek reference.
and in her laughter, their arms close around one another -- the hug making it harder to breath and she finds herself more light-headed than she already was. it lasts a second longer before they’re parting and moving towards the stage, pitch black and blind to their surroundings as the actual static of the audience fills in the silence that had invaded her eardrums.
it was now ( nevers no longer applied ) .
she squeezes eunae’s hand, again, a little reminder to keep herself grounded before finally letting go. she needed it -- to keep herself from floating too high into the sky, willing gravity to take it’s course over her body despite the flighty feeling turning in her stomach.
but where was the harm in flying so close to the sun? luxe would be her wings.
( hadn’t she always wanted to fly? )
it was time for her to take flight -- fingers hover over her ear monitor as she hears the music start up. it’s her personal favorite, 아슬해, that gets the ball rolling and jihyun can’t have it any other way.
the roar of applause, the crowd, themselves, is far larger, louder than she had expected. then it hits her, they were all there to see them, luxe -- the new girls on the block. they were all anticipating what they had to offer. and it was jihyun’s own determination that egged her on -- she didn’t want to disappoint.
the song is over faster than she’d like. the spotlight is hot, blistering on stage but jihyun can’t help feeling lighter than air as she takes the mic in her hands and bows almost immediately before rising, her signature ‘v’ sign flying close to her eyes as she winks at the crowd, “hello, i’m luxe’s cheri. goddess of the moon.” unlike the others, jihyun found herself struggling more -- wondering what title she could take up. it was probably more unrealistic on her part -- calling herself the moon goddess but soohyun had eased her into it.
( “you're the moon goddess!” soohyun had said, “a warrior protecting love and justice!” smile spilling over the screen during one of their daily facetime sessions. )
she liked to think she was keeping a part of soohyun with her as she took the moniker by name, plastered it onto her identity as a part of herself. she had always wanted soohyun beside her, at this moment, perhaps -- from this, she could be.
jihyun turns over the microphone as they begin picking favorites -- different songs rolling off of different tongues. her own favorite spoken finding a mate to bond over in the minutes they do so. jihyun can’t help but laugh as she smiles over at their youngest. “like xayah, mine is definitely thrilling. it just has that something. and it’s so different than our title that it really shows off our versatility, in a way. but i also love is still falls the rain, i think it’s a song a lot of people can relate to when they’re heartbroken and missing someone.”
still falls the rain is no other word but somber, yet it holds its notes in melancholy -- a sinking feeling of sadness, bittersweet tragedy that jihyun knows she should feel nostalgic to. but it doesn’t hold a candle to today, those feelings were once a part of her but as the song ends and her voice fades, so do those feelings. she lets go of her past to welcome her future. that was all she needed to think about today.
when the topic of memories comes about, jihyun finds herself fiddling with her thumbs in anticipation -- not that she was eager to share stories, intimate and affectionate as they all were with one another, moreso that she wasn’t sure which would be appropriate because of how intimate and affectionate they were with one another behind closed doors.
( also the fact that it spoke volumes on how loud they were when they were out of earshot from their company building and only had their manager to stop them )
“i think a lot of our memories revolve around food because a lot of us,” she eyes the girls pointedly, “love food. but another memory, and forgive that it is once again, about food -- is when seolhyun and seoyoung were trying to get us to eat a little more healthily. they tried to replace our rice with cauliflower! and of course, a lot of us -- having been so used to rice as being ... well, grains, were so shocked and refused to eat it. also because, well -- rice is rice, why would you want to change a good thing? it was to a point where we just had to say veto it. there was also the brownie incident -- and that also didn’t go very well ... let’s just say, i don’t think avocados and i are friends anymore.”
“and that time we all went to the bath house together but --” she presses a finger to her lips, a teasing grin on her lips. “i think you guys have heard enough of our adventures.”
the leader, fingers toying with the ends of her dark hair, leaves the rest for their imagination -- and slightly pales as she wonders if she’s left a little too much to be imagined. it’s something she dwells on more than she should, yet finds slipping through her fingers as she’s ushered away from the stage to prepare for their last act -- their title song.
the nerves from before are long gone because in just a few short minutes, the night would be over and jihyun would say that they had finally -- fucking finally -- debuted.
so, the breath departs from red lips when she hears dawon’s voice sound around the hall and a smile easily splits lips apart in a way that could only be from pride. the motions she’s practiced day in and day out the past seven months begin -- muscle memory taking over more than anything as she presses her fingers against the mic taped to her cheek.
when she flies to the center her grin is almost immediate, crystal white as she sings -- fingers all the more ready to press into her cheek as she belts out note after note, the harmonized backtracking she hears urge further. the added support all she needs as she sings the words that are more than memorized, they’re a part of her daily repertoire these days. she couldn’t even speak without thinking of the words in the song.
jihyun can feel the adrenaline beneath her fingertips, through her veins, raging against her beating heart. it was almost over.
˟ ✦ —————— I’M FEELING IT, I FEEL GOOD
the start of the beginning, she thinks as she’s breathing hard when the song fades and the lights fade from spotlights to gleam over the stage as a whole.
as they stand at the end, her tears are again at the corners of her eyes. and she’s at the last of her wits to keep them from falling, she’s emotional -- far too much to be controlled as she holds the microphone in her hands. her small, shaking hands that quiver at each word she speaks.
“thank you so much for coming to our debut showcase! please anticipate more from luxe as we continue our journey as idols. listen to luv game, please buy our album and stream happily! we’re extremely thankful everyone came out to see us and we’ll do our absolute best to never let you down. we’d like to thank everyone for coming to see us, to noh jihoon sunbaenim for helping us with mc-ing for this very special event, to our staff and managers for sticking with us and continuing to do so and most importantly, to our ceo, so jisub sajangnim, for believing in us and wholeheartedly entrusting us the title of luxe. we could only shine so bright because of your faith in us, thank you so much.” she bows, her hand on her heart; feeling the heavy thumps beneath the pads of clammy fingertips. her breathing growing even heavier as she feels the tremble in her lips. “from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much, again. and please get home safely. bye, for now ~ !”
when it was all said and done, as the lights on the stage finally give out and they’re behind curtains do the tears fall and all jihyun wants are for strong arms to wrap tight -- never let me go -- around her.
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days of practicing her facial expressions and poses were finally going to pay off – well, she hoped they would. it was more than likely that they’d have to take a few more than a professional should. jihyun was by no means a conventional model, but she tried her best to be comfortable in front of the camera. it wasn’t the most foreign of situations.
and as their days were numbered, she would have to get used to cameras being shoved in her face twenty-four-seven. today was no exception as lights flashed and the shutter sounds of the automatic machineries burst from around her.
she’s seated in the makeup room, awaiting her turn in front of the camera. oblivious to her surroundings, jihyun lets her lips run – the hum of one of their songs, specifically luv me, toying with her tongue as she spaces out. she barely notices the camera hovering in the corner of the room as one of the staff sweeps blush along her cheekbones. it’s when her eyes rise to look herself over in the mirror that they narrow in on the lens and she squeaks in surprise, turning around immediately with a laugh. “yah! i didn’t see you there, speak up will you?”
“what were you singing, jih– cheri-sshi?” the staff asks her. the leader’s laughter stills, fading as she slips out of her seat to bend in front of the camera; a finger pressed to her lips.
“shh, don’t say a word of what you just heard! that song’s still a secret.”
“if you can’t reveal it – can you at least tell us whether it’s your favorite song on the album?”
a smile teases her lips open, fingers tapping her chin as she thinks through their tracklist. was it her favorite? perhaps, though – she was probably being biased – a lot of the songs on their album were good. “it’s one of my favorites, but if i had to choose – 아슬해 is definitely my favorite! not because it’s sultry, but … it’s just a sad love song with a catchy chorus, i think everyone would like. it’s definitely not a dance song like our title but it’s also got it’s charm.”
then, jihyun hears her name from outside and straightens up immediately, “oh! it’s my turn,“ with a salute, she’s slipping away from the len’s view – rounding the corner just as the staff resets the lights and equipment. a ribbon handed her way as she steps towards the lavender backdrop.
the call of the photographer a little mute in her ears as she goes from one pose to another; the long, pink ribbon looped around her wrist. she makes the most of such a flimsy prop. it wasn’t conventional – but neither was she, and trying to think of her toes had become something she was more akin to these days.
so without further fussing, she continues to run the ribbon along smooth skin; even going as far as taking it in between her teeth as she smiles bright, one eye shut for the camera in what she supposes is a charismatic wink.
it’s only when she’s behind the camera and away from the blaring of bright, heated lights that she actually sees the fruit of her work beneath the warm, white lights. beads of sweat dabbed away with a towel, she scans the screen before her – gazing at her pictures being shown, filtered through in order to pick the best ones.
she barely notices the camera picking up her every move from the other side. they were probably gathering behind the scenes footage, she quips before her eyes glance back to the computer screen, pointing at one that had been taken in failure. her eyes crossed, mid-blink cheri stares back at her and the laughter is instantaneous as it bubbles from her lips. she notices the rest of the staff trying to muffle their laughter at seeing such a goofy candid and she can’t help but agree, exclaiming between the bouts of laughter, “oh my god, please keep this one. it’s the best!” a hand rises from her pockets to nab her cell phone to steal a quick picture, “i need to keep this. just one, please!” she says before hiding the device away, silently reminding herself to send the photo to rome later on when they were in the comforts of their dorm.
it’s when she turns that she realizes the camera is there again, following her every move wordlessly. her head shakes, a chuckle leaving her lips as she points at the camera as if passing over the aha! i see you again telepathically.
“you seem to be in a good mood, cheri-sshi? are you that excited about your debut?”
her usual shrug poised at her shoulders but it doesn’t follow the deliver, instead it’s more of a shaking as another laugh is bundled at the tip of her tongue and a hand is trying its hardest to conceal it. “you could say that,” then she raises her hand in a come hither notion before she reveals her cell phone and the picture she had just taken. “look how ridiculous i look!” she exclaims, swiping through the pictures until she shows the one that had been mistakenly captured.
“but don’t worry,” jihyun flips her hair, a teasing ‘v’ sign held beneath her chin, “i’m also here, you’re fantastically beautiful leader, cheri.” she says, giving her best model pose that lasts a second less than it should before she’s recoiling back in laughter. hands and head shaking as she dodges away from the camera’s view.
“i’m kidding!” the question is back in her ears, repeated for her to answer honestly and she calms with a breath. blinking this time, the girl, in question, ponders the question more seriously.
“i’m so excited. all of us are, we’ve worked so hard this year leading up to this and we can’t wait to show everyone just how much we’ve grown since royal survival.” her nose crinkles in affirmation, her mole dancing as she does. then a finger points at the camera, acknowledging the lens as her audience, “hey, everyone there – are you ready for us?”
she doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s turning away, walking back towards the set – another step and she’s glancing over her shoulder. in the distance, she’s whirling around another ‘v’ sign in her hands as laughter is heard faintly.
L U X E ⋰ 6월 evaluation ✦ the b side appreciation piece
jihyun had always been the type who loved an album’s b-sides more than the title. sometimes, if the title didn’t do the group justice -- the b-sides were always there to redeem the losses and all would be well.
for jihyun, in her humble personal opinion, she was thankful that for luxe’s debut mini album, there wasn’t a song she disliked. and that was her being honest -- there really wasn’t. sure, luv me sounded sweet, but the beat had always gotten stuck in her head after each recording. thrilling was intoxicating at best and was something she knew she would have listened to regardless of whether it was her group’s song or one moonlit group by a small company, it captured her heart in the way rhythmic r & b did when they had catchy hooks and choruses. and without u, was pretty self explanatory, like the rest of their songs, it would wind you down from a long day and still keep you energized ( she’d like to think it was because of dawon’s soothing voice during the chorus, but surely then she’d have to concede that now, she was being biased ).
but as soon as recordings had been squared away months prior, all that was left were the excessive dance practices that had been held every day on the hour until the very last minute that would lead them into their showcase. she was just itching to feel the audience’s cheers on her skin -- but that was a month from now, she had better things to let her mind concentrate on. like, just how was she going to remember all these dance steps in time for that spectacular showcase.
to think, a year ago, jihyun was among the worst dancers of her troupe -- trainees younger than her got steps faster than she did. and a year later, it wasn’t much different. jihyun still wasn’t the first to remember the steps, but at least -- she wasn’t forgetting them every other minute she wasn’t dancing them. maybe it had to do with the excessive practices, the constant repetition or the fact that her members had taken it upon themselves to drill the steps into their leader’s memory. ( it was probably everything combined but she really did love that her members tried to help the fumbling that were their leader’s not-so-left-but-still-left-feet ) it was also admirable that, she wasn’t just retaining the steps, but she was also following them pretty well -- stumbles kept to a minimum five per run and her hand to eye coordination was getting better.
she could finally see the improvement in her dancing, even if it had taken this long for it to bear fruit. another month more, and she would be ready -- not pristine as she would have liked but ... ready.
her dance moves, at least -- her heart and the egg-shell nerves that came with them were a different story.
a cycle, she thinks, how all dance practices become to her. it’s an easy organizational division of learning the choreography step by step, pairing off, then secluding one’s self to their own demise and they try to remember each step while staying on beat. learning it step by step had never been her problem, even pairing off worked wonders when it came to memorizing the movements to the very turn of the heel. but when it came to doing things on her own and trying to get the steps right, everything seemed to go downhill.
i’ll never get this right, she thinks at one in the morning when she’s a little too late for bed and she’s still in the studio; music blasting, trying to at least stay in motion with the video she had taken of herself with one of the other girls’ instruction spoken softly beneath the music. she goes over it again and again but it doesn’t stick nor does it seem to want to as she ends the night tiptoeing into her room and trying her hardest to not wake seolhyun.
she lays feeling like dead weight. exhausted and utterly dissatisfied with her productivity today. having accomplished nothing, it was hard to find sleep. but she succumbs because exhaustion was the hardest to fight when you’ve little to fight with.
her sanity would have been the cost as she walks in the door of the studio the next day.
she hardly feels good when she hears the song play for the nth time, instrumental rolling on until she has to physically turn off the speakers. a headache was forming and she knew it was of her own doing. there was no way she felt leader material at this rate. being one of the weakest dancers on their team, how was she supposed to help the group when she could physically feel herself dragging them down with each step she took whenever she played the music.
she plays the song again, tries twice as hard, continues to do so until her feet feel swollen and blisters grow at her ankles. bandaids come in handy when blood and popped skin have become numb and all the pain she feels is the drumming in her ears.
L U X E ⋰ 2월 evaluation ✦ hey everybody, i feel good 👌
emotions grow wild. a crossfire of this and that defines moods and motions that sway her, she’s a little dizzy from it all and not, at the same time. it’s a whirlwind of emotions to be standing before a panel awaiting the seal of approval from royal. the final hurdle before the beginning. another range of emotions fill her: nerves, she guess but it’s different than the usual that crawl upon the nape of her neck. they vary from the butterflies in her stomach to the sudden nausea that does little to help the dizziness.
was this how it felt to really be nervous before a performance?
it’s foreign, an entity that she finds rare in her years of performing beneath the allegiance that was royal. perhaps now that it was all real, it was a little too much -- could that be it? she shakes it from her core, feels it grow at the pit of her stomach. it registers as anxiety and she has little time to fix it. not when the time for practice has diminished and the music had begun to play.
she forgets to breathe when she hears dawon’s voice above the music. it’s arrangement goes by fast and the moves are fluid against bones that are like a sponge to the choreography. trying to consume every last bit without breaking the cycle. a fluidity she isn’t born with but tries to master with each step she takes. the heels were new -- the height and the fact that at any second she could go from standing on solid ground to flying across the floor in front of the panel of judges.
if she could only keep her balance, it would be okay.
it couldn’t go too badly, could it? they were almost there. she couldn’t let something like her lack of natural dance ability ruin this moment. if she could keep her tone on point, the dance moves were all that could mess things up. the mic is held tight, loosened as the song goes on; the nerves that had rattled her still alive within her but she makes due, strives to overcome them. she -- no, they had come this far, it was no time for cold feet.
and there was no way, as the future leader of luxe, would she allow herself to let that happen. if anything she was going to continue, press on with her most confident smile, her voice the very embodiment of it because wasn’t that what the song was about -- confidence, and lead by example.
she had to make sure she deserved that title, right?
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& . I KISS YOU AS IF THERE IS NOTHING WRONG.
I CAN’T LEAVE YOUR SWEET PRESENCE,
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN END FOR US
LIKE THIS AGAIN, FICTION ( IN FICTION )
6월 EVALUATION —————— ✦ ˟
she struggles, much to her obvious chagrin. maybe it’s her nerves -- maybe it’s because she sucks, it takes her a long while to realize, read: dearly hopes it’s not the latter. she spends her days, earbuds plugged into each ear, absorbed in the rhythmic stylings that was chaos. unsurprisingly more concerned with the vocals than anything else. remaining self-absorbed, nearly consumed by her thoughts -- a reminder, daily, to not mess up.
unlike the rest, jihyun’s unconcerned with the colorful stylization that was obviously highly unlike royal’s palette. was it out of her typical genre? sure. was she going to let that bother her? no, not really. if anything, the difference in sound was as pleasing as it was refreshing to her ears. it was different and for now, different was good. different gave a cause for redemption. and this month of june, that was all jihyun really wanted.
( to redeem herself )
because if anything were to come of her failures from last month, it was her attempts at not repeating her past mistakes. and like most things that jihyun keeps in her pocket, she’s more than aware that messing up a second time -- so close to a chance at debut -- was out of the question.
so, the pressure mounts, it adds -- continues to build up with each passing day. when she’s in the masses, hidden by the crowds, when she’s spending hours rehearsing with yooa over simple dance steps that she keeps forgetting in favor of vocal notes and when she’s supposedly there at home. when she promised herself that bringing work home was a no-no.
it’s a promise she so easily breaks because the pressure soon becomes unbearable and she’s left hanging by a thread and another promise she hopes to god she doesn’t break as quickly as she does the last.
a day before d-day, she goes over the entire performance again. silent, earbuds stuck like glue to deaf ears. concentrate a stricken chord across pained features. she’s not much of a dancer, that much is sure -- painstakingly obvious as she goes over each step and every half second it’s becoming more and more apparent how exhausted she is.
with each step, step, step -- she feels sluggish and she’s left wondering as she laying, tired and aching on polished wood just how dancers could go day by day loving this.
when it comes, it comes running-- the day is a frenzy of nerves. not so much from the others, it lies deeper than them. it digs further than the surface and only so much can be shown. they were here to perform, to assume a position that was better than the criteria. jihyun could only wish she was happier to perform with a group as gifted as the one she was give (if only under better circumstances).
they’re talented, that so much is a given -- visually, skillfully, the entire package. it’s only taken her under a few weeks to realize that outside of herself, royal had easily saturated itself into talent as colorful as the individuals before her. and much like the evaluation had decided, it was out of her comfort zone. it was hard to call them close, basically strangers submerged in deep waters; it was only after countless hours spent did each become acquaintances to her -- lesser than her in time but all the more dedicated when it came to reaching their dreams.
and that was enough for her to resolve any lingering nerves that roamed from within -- last month, she had failed herself but now, it was out of the question for her to fail among a group she knew didn’t deserve her working at her absolute worst.
so, jihyun gives it her all -- like she should each performance. like she usually does when given the absolute best. but unlike most, she’s still stuck in the headspace of failure; confidence faked until the last second where it actually counts.
like the song, she expresses her frustration -- an outburst of emotions that flow from her fingertips as they run through dark tresses and she’s belting her notes; timing them between seolhyun’s like the song had called for. she sings like she breathes, where it’s second nature and she fills her lungs with the sweet notes she knows by heart at this point. dedicated to rewrite her mistakes with a note she’s practiced without fail,
✦ ˟ —————— I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN, ONE MORE TIME
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NEXT TO ME ,
I’M BELIEVING THAT --
and she sings, voice never once wavering from expectation -- not this time. and though her steps become sloppy and she messes up the timing as the end nears, she keeps her voice stable. it isn’t until the very end where she spares a second and finally breathes because in her eyes, this one more time had given her what she so longed for.
she’s easily distracted, caught in a trance – anything to put away those miserable thoughts that have plagued her since the last breath she took. the exasperated exhale that only further drilled the idea of failure into her veins, mixing iron and steel with disastrous motions that only have her closing within herself. it’s been days and it’s safe to say – she’s better, visibly so.
mentally? jihyun has been in a mess for days, but as those same days turn into new ones, she’s begun to learn new ways to hide it. a smile goes a mile these days. especially when submerged in the positivity pool that is the new trainees that have begun to linger around her. it isn’t too hard for her to fake it, not when she can so easily feed off the other’s happiness in turn of making it seem like it, too, was her own.
it’s why, when the first chance comes up – arms are linked and she’s sidling up to yooa when she matches the other’s gaze in the halls. arm in arm, feet nearly synchronized as she’s dragging the other once again to another place outside of the other’s intended destinace. blatant pleas on jihyun’s part all vocally obliged, “seriously, just the person i was looking for. i need help – these steps, i keep tripping over my feet again.”
& . THERE’S A BOY I KNOW, HE’S THE ONE I DREAM OF .
LOOKS INTO MY EYES, TAKES ME TO THE CLOUDS ABOVE,
( TELL ME IS IT REALLY LOVE )
HOW WILL I KNOW ?
5월 EVALUATION —————— ✦ ˟
may comes and goes, like the showers that thundered throughout april and have since faded into may -- as well as the flowers that have grown in bloom, they’ve fallen silent with each passing day. much like most of the staff, it’s like a ghost town of nerves and anticipation. when the first of may goes without their usual announcements and evaluation preparations, jihyun wills herself to stay calm.
as the first becomes the second and so easily the twenty-second, her worries fade much like the month does. she loses herself in other thing, and rather than ringing crystal-clear harmonies along muffled microphones, her fingers grow calloused and rough along plucked strings.
so when she’s pulled from the hall, guitar in hand, jihyun fears for the worst.
rounded up like cattle on the behind of a pick-up truck, jihyun actually feels her heart fall into the depths of her stomach. lined amongst the trainees, she peeks over jieun’s shoulder only to blanch at the sight of the panel ahead of them.
if there was ever a moment to come unprepared, jihyun wished it hadn’t been this one.
( the slightest ache rings in her ears, an undeniable sting against her fingertips -- mouth painstakingly dry ; she was definitely not prepared )
it goes without saying that, without the heads up, jihyun hadn’t practiced today -- she hadn’t even had the chance to warm up, which, for jihyun, was her ultimate downfall. there was no way she’d make it through this evaluation unscathed. and as confident as she usually was in her vocals, there’s a clear distinction stricken along her spine.
the sickly-straight posture, curled fists and fidgeting feet were far too obvious to be overlooked.
as everyone takes their turn, one by one, performing to their utmost capable of abilities, jihyun feels herself grow faint; lips chapped, the swipe of a nervous appendage doing nothing to ail them.
it isn’t until the unmistakable, “lee jihyun --” is called, that she rises; the first of many times that she untangles her fingers from their fists to push dark tendrils behind her; feigning whatever bit of confidence she could muster in that moment to flaunt to the coaches, the staff, to so jisub. all of whom gazed upon her, unreadable and strong like an iron wall.
her fingers curl once more as she fights the nerves that tickle the nape of her neck; nails digging painful crescents into pale palms. she recites a tale she’s done for almost four years now; “i’m lee jihyun,” she bows her head, like she’s done for many months too many, before dark hues fly through those of the judges, towards the farthest corner. the darkest little indent in the back of the room where the nerves could no longer reach her ( at least, she hoped, they couldn’t ).
“i’ll be singing how will i know by whitney houston.” if she couldn’t sing her last month, she might as well do her this month -- it was the only few melodies jihyun could remember on short notice.
she realizes upon first breath, she probably should have tried to run the lyrics in her head before she spoke, because here she is, first breath given and left on a stand-still. what were the words?
panic has yet to set in, it’s a slow, inevitable death -- she thinks as she watches their stares harden, and it isn’t until she hears one of the coaches clearing their throats,
“you can begin, jihyun-ssi.” that she realizes, she’s yet to even start.
her own gaze wavers, nails dig deeper into her palms, an uneasy smile rising to an uncomfortable facade. “i’m sorry, of course.” fingers uncurl from their firsts once more to tangle again, tightening as her eyes blur and she’s fading eyelids closed; she breathes heavily through her nose and once, slowly pass her lips.
OOOH -- HOW WILL I KNOW?
IF HE REALLY LOVES ME,
I SAY A PRAYER, WITH EVERY -- HEART BEAT.
she begins, slowly reciting the words in even breath, steady beat. jihyun can only hope that the melody is fitting between the words, sung along the lines; desperately clutching for a life boat to save her from the mess that was her slowly succumbing to panic. she can hear the way her breath is falling much too quickly between the notes, how raspy her voice was becoming from the lack of practice she’d down that day.
FALLING IN LOVE -- IT’S ALL BITTERSWEET.
somehow the words fit, and it’s the slightest bit of warmth that fills her. it makes her think of better things, keeps her mind the slightest bit away from how absolutely hard this song was to sing. it has her second-guessing her choice the moment the high notes begin and she’s out of her league. because without practice, fitting no longer mattered, not when the way they executed was trailing further and further away from excellence. she’s breathier than usual, her voice off a few notes, much more sharp than what it should have been. and it’s further from her control as she watches pens quickly dabble against white pages, turned and once more inked.
she fears the worst, once more.
IF HE LOVES ME, IF HE LOVES ME NOT.
HEY, HOW WILL I KNOW?
if her ultimate demise that day was fearing the worst to come, perhaps, she should have seen it coming. perhaps, if she had steered clear of sky-reaching high notes and beautiful runs, she wouldn’t have had to fear so much.
✦ ˟ —————— HOW WILL I, HOW WILL I, — HOW WILL I KNOW ,
HOW WILL I KNOW?
but as her last note comes much too messily, runs wildly away from her as her last breath escapes her, and the note breaks; she feels her nerves collapse and her heart stop.
if she had feared the worst, no longer did she have to -- because the worst have finally appeared.
