bloom ,

( BEFORE — * ) dear hyeri, 

          i’m so happy to debut in a group with you! i know we never thought this time would come and it felt like such a long wait but we’ve made it! i’m sorry i even considered royal survival. i love you and the girls too much but i kept wavering. even now, i was wavering and i know our ceo isn’t happy with me but i really   —   TEMPORARILY PAUSED ! 

( WEEKS LATER — * the previous draft of the letter has been scratched over in pen, ripped, tossed )  dear hyeri, 

          i don’t understand. were you that unhappy here? did we do something? did i? you seemed so happy before, talking about not wanting to grow apart and get sick of each other . . . wanting to be together all the time. but you just left. that’s it, gone. after everything . . . after getting so mad at me for just considering joining royal survival? do you really think i want to debut without you? why did you get so close to me if you’re going to leave too? you’re one of the only people i thought would never leave me. 

          i guess i was wrong. did you think about how the rest of us would feel? did you think about us at all? was everything a burden to you? overwhelming? why couldn’t you talk to me? i thought we were closer than that. i know i fucked up but i thought we were best friends too. 

( NOW — * the previous draft of the letter remains but she starts a new one ) dear hyeri, 

dear bobby, 

          what can i say?             we said we’d be there for each other when this happens            i thought we’d still be together when this happened 

dear joonyoung, 

          i heard sphere is debuting a group. i knew you left a while ago but why did i still wonder about you? hopeful thinking, maybe? that you’re well, that you’re better? that you’re sober? sometimes i think back to our time together and wonder why you liked me, why you confessed, why you never listened. but i think it was my own fault too. 

          because it was a game, what you and i did. i don’t know how much of it was ever real. did you even really like me when you said all of that or was it just the excitement? i can’t really blame you for not listening when that was the point of us. you didn’t listen and i would give in. a game. always a game. who’ll give in first, who’ll make the first move. it was all i wanted from you. i took advantage of you and i wish i knew how it turned into feelings. 

          no, that’s not true. i know why it did. i could see it and maybe it made sense for a while. you and i were good escapes for each other but that’s all we could’ve been. would we have had a chance at lasting if we actually tried? i don’t think so. joking around only lasts for so long. we both had lives to get back to, pieces of our heart to pick up. we couldn’t fix each other so we just covered it up and we would’ve crashed and burned. we were too alike. didn’t love ourselves and tried desperately to hide it in something else. we were both messes. 

dear kikwang, 

          trc isn’t the same without you, neither is seoul. oh, and i guess i miss you ㅋ i should insist you come back to seoul for my debut. that’s right, you read right! my debut! it’s weird though, you were one of the reasons i was able to move to seoul and now you’re not here. sometimes it doesn’t feel right, how could you leave? after all we would say about not leaving each other 

          your mom will be one of my biggest fans right? that’s right, i’m really writing you about your mom and not you. i like her most, sorry not sorry. no, really i . . . i hope you know how lucky i was and how happy i am to have you in my life. you did more for me than you’ll ever know. i don’t think i would have gotten this far without you. maybe we didn’t stay so close after three years. i got signed, you got signed, you got a girlfriend without telling me for weeks you asshole, things happen, right? 

dear jayce, 

          congratulations! i heard your girlfriend’s pregnant. fiance? i’m not sure . . . but i’m really happy for you! i know it’s what you’ve always wanted. i just wanted to congratulate you and to tell you . . . thank you for having loved me before. thank you for letting us both move on after the last time we saw each other in seoul. thank you for trying to be there for me after my mother . . . just . . . thank you, and i’m sorry i didn’t let you in. i’m sorry we didn’t end up being that high school couple that made it like we used to joke about when we were young. 

dear byunghun, 

          i’ve tried to write this letter a million times. i must’ve written that many and tossed them. there’s nothing any letter could say that could make up for how i treated you, for how i took advantage of your love for me, for how i broke your heart because mine was fragile, weak, already a wreck. i don’t even really deserve to say anything to you, i know. it’s been years and i . . . it’s too fucked up to say i miss you. i wish you were still here following your dream but maybe your dream changed. maybe i never really knew your dreams. i used to always assume i did and i’m sorry for that. i’m sorry for everything but i know sorry doesn’t mean anything. sorry doesn’t fix or change anything. sorry doesn’t change how horrible i was to you. 

          i like to think i’ve changed. i want to think i’ve changed and lately it makes me think of you. of how you were the right guy at the wrong time. of how one rejection or one small bit of doubt could terrify me away from you. i hated myself for being so insecure. i hated myself for letting you think i didn’t trust you but it was me. it was always me. scared you’d realize there’s other girls better than me, that they could love you better than i could, give you children the way i couldn’t promise, and wasn’t so threatened by how nice you are. because it is one of your best qualities. 

          i used to think, what made me different from the other girls you’re nice to? i let my own insecurities build up instead of taking your word for it. it was all me. i took every little thing and over-analyzed it. i told you that once before and then i just . .. . . . . i got so close. i thought i could do it. i thought i could finally let go and love you the way you deserved but that trip scared me. i scared myself because i was willing to risk my own life. my dad, he moved on too. my whole family .. .... .  cassie has two kids now. not just one but two and she’s so healthy and i just . . . part of me still thinks i won’t have kids but i hope you do. i hope you have every single bit of happiness i couldn’t give you. i hope you look in the mirror one day and understand why i put you on such a high pedestal.