#relationshipocd

It’s hard to believe but somehow it is true!

I have realised that when I spoke with my therapist about very bizarre thing I experienced one year before my ROCD came around.

It was a golden autumn 🍂 and the UK was getting very rainy and dark. I was starting to be overloaded with academic work. I have changed my routine and had very little time for myself. I remember one evening when my friend told me about her relationship doubts and problems. How distanced she felt towards her boyfriend and how she loves to talk to her ex... I was sitting there with this strange feeling that somehow could relate to what she was going through. But I said nothing. I was too embarrassed to share with her that in my relationship something is off, too. I was getting those, weird thoughts “did I fell out of love?” for the next 2 or 3 weeks. They were more intense during a week when I had to work and they faded when I was enjoying my weekends with my boyfriend. I remember, I had this weird self-given deadline - “If you still feel like this in December then you have start worrying”. In December we were supposed to visit my family together so I was a bit concerned about how it will go with this strange, new feelings I was experiencing. But as I was getting more and more projects to finish, I completely forgot about those thoughts and they disappeared. And only once they were gone, I told my friends about it. The visit in December went great.

One year later, we were already engaged and during the peak time of my busy period of academic work I got those thoughts again! This time I started analysing them a bit more and getting very impatient. I told my friend straight away and she ensured me that it will pass as it did last year. Not long before this she broke up with her boyfriend... The time passed and I was trying to speed the process and get rid of this uncomfortable sensation and thoughts. Day by day they got darker and more intense. It was very very scary. ROCD came and stayed with me for good this time.

What's up buckaroos. I'm gonna be completely honest with y'all right now (the dust mites in the corner of my room watching me type this, I mean), I'm having some struggles within my relationship. Well, not exactly - it's more of me struggling with myself & my brain.

I'm diagnosed with anxiety and suspected (?) of OCD (it runs in my family, I maybe or maybe don't have it), and I'm a huge overthinker. I'm constantly thinking about the future and ESPECIALLY what's gonna happen in my relationship. When will we break up? Will we break up at all? What will cause the break up? Is he lying to me? Am I being paranoid?

Thoughts like this are perfectly natural & so, so many people have them on the daily, but a good thing to think about is, a huge majority of the time, something you're experiencing that's troubling you isn't forever. I won't give my specific age, but I'm in high school. I'm grateful to have a boyfriend who's as loving as mine is, however I'm being realistic and knowing that we most likely won't last. That doesn't mean I'm GIVING UP on the relationship, but I am setting a realistic expectation in my mind.

A lot of the time, I have to remind myself that things don't have to last. It's okay if things change - obviously it would upset me a lot if we broke up, but the world wouldn't end. When you set an unrealistic expectation for anything, you can stress yourself out so much more than is needed.

For example: you're a freshman in high school & you meet this awesome guy who asks you out. You say yes, you start dating, but you get super nervous about it. How will things end? Am I stuck in this? What does this mean? Sometimes, your brain automatically turns up the dial up to 100 (in this situation, marriage or parenthood) and sends you straight into panic mode.

Something that could also chime in are trauma responses, which relationship OCD/anxiety can be a result of, especially feeling trapped. If you experienced a relationship(s) of any kind that made you feel trapped and/or stuck where you are, committment can be a scary thing.

On the other hand of things, life in GENERAL isn't forever. We all die eventually (until they invent some immortality potion for rich people), so make sure you realize that things are YOUR decision. You don't have to stay in a relationship, even if it's not necessarily bad because your top priority should be you & your mental health. If a relationship is draining from how anxious it makes you, you don't have to force yourself to stay. Sometimes, it's okay to give up, move on, learn from it, run the fuck away.

It's your life. Focus in on the moment you're in right now and how you feel - not how they feel, you - and make sure you're okay. There are a ton of things around you that you have the control over and if they aren't positively impacting you, you don't have to force yourself to learn to enjoy it.

Listen to it's time to go by Taylor Swift & take a good nap (always sleep on a big decision, trust me).

If you made it, thank you so much for reading & I really hope this helped at all.

I’m scared of you.

You make me so happy. You make me feel so free and ME. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you. So I stay. 

But I’m scared. So I fight.

Don’t dare hurt me. Don’t do it. Pushing you away in the process. Makes it all worse.

I don’t want to fear anymore. Just want your love.