Norah's Rants

What's up buckaroos. I'm gonna be completely honest with y'all right now (the dust mites in the corner of my room watching me type this, I mean), I'm having some struggles within my relationship. Well, not exactly - it's more of me struggling with myself & my brain.

I'm diagnosed with anxiety and suspected (?) of OCD (it runs in my family, I maybe or maybe don't have it), and I'm a huge overthinker. I'm constantly thinking about the future and ESPECIALLY what's gonna happen in my relationship. When will we break up? Will we break up at all? What will cause the break up? Is he lying to me? Am I being paranoid?

Thoughts like this are perfectly natural & so, so many people have them on the daily, but a good thing to think about is, a huge majority of the time, something you're experiencing that's troubling you isn't forever. I won't give my specific age, but I'm in high school. I'm grateful to have a boyfriend who's as loving as mine is, however I'm being realistic and knowing that we most likely won't last. That doesn't mean I'm GIVING UP on the relationship, but I am setting a realistic expectation in my mind.

A lot of the time, I have to remind myself that things don't have to last. It's okay if things change - obviously it would upset me a lot if we broke up, but the world wouldn't end. When you set an unrealistic expectation for anything, you can stress yourself out so much more than is needed.

For example: you're a freshman in high school & you meet this awesome guy who asks you out. You say yes, you start dating, but you get super nervous about it. How will things end? Am I stuck in this? What does this mean? Sometimes, your brain automatically turns up the dial up to 100 (in this situation, marriage or parenthood) and sends you straight into panic mode.

Something that could also chime in are trauma responses, which relationship OCD/anxiety can be a result of, especially feeling trapped. If you experienced a relationship(s) of any kind that made you feel trapped and/or stuck where you are, committment can be a scary thing.

On the other hand of things, life in GENERAL isn't forever. We all die eventually (until they invent some immortality potion for rich people), so make sure you realize that things are YOUR decision. You don't have to stay in a relationship, even if it's not necessarily bad because your top priority should be you & your mental health. If a relationship is draining from how anxious it makes you, you don't have to force yourself to stay. Sometimes, it's okay to give up, move on, learn from it, run the fuck away.

It's your life. Focus in on the moment you're in right now and how you feel - not how they feel, you - and make sure you're okay. There are a ton of things around you that you have the control over and if they aren't positively impacting you, you don't have to force yourself to learn to enjoy it.

Listen to it's time to go by Taylor Swift & take a good nap (always sleep on a big decision, trust me).

If you made it, thank you so much for reading & I really hope this helped at all.

What's up buckaroos, this rant is a bit more personal than yesterdays, even though yesterdays was about my literal boyfriend. It doesn't make sense, but whatever.

So for a couple of cheer practices my stunt group has been working on a full-up. That's basically where she has to spin around in the air and we have to help her do so. We've been really struggling with it and we started off on a bad foot because we were arguing when we were warming up. Then, after a couple tries they switched me out for another girl and they got to the point we'd gotten in a couple of tries after it had taken us days, which honestly made me feel like shit at first because I don't wanna be the one dragging my group down.

However, I thought about it for a second and realized she was a literal gymnast & dancer and they worked her to the freaking bone last season with stunting. She has SO much more experience and knows how to pick up a stunt quicker, whereas I've never done gymnastics and this is my second cheerleading season. Last season, they pretty much had me only doing preps (the most basic thing you could do in stunting).

Which brings me to my point of: when you see someone doing "better," it's okay to feel envious, but what matters is that you learn. This is a HUGE thing in sports. There's always gonna be someone with more experience than you somewhere, and that's okay. It can be so harmful to compare yourself to other people specifically in sports when you're starting out. This can count for singing, art, etc.

However, there can absolutely be a positive counterpart to comparing yourself to people - or, to phrase it better, a second step. If you're comparing yourself to people without DOING something about what you want to change, there's no point in comparing yourself to them in the first place.

It can be complicated to motivate yourself to take action, but it's absolutely possible. Small actions can lead to bigger ones, and eventually you can 100% reach your goal. There's a negative side to this of course, because it's never good to become someone you aren't, which can happen when you push it too far. So make sure you're doing something inspired by them or in their image instead of trying to literally be them.

Here's an example. You're comparing yourself to a professional dancer and how good they are? Okay, figure out what studio they went to, their diet, their stretching routine, their technique - anything that might help you achieve your goal.

Today was definitely a good learning experience for me because when I step back at look at it from a better perspective, I can use it to help me. What did she (the girl they put in for me) do differently? Is there something specific that helped? Is there something I can do that will help me?

Sometimes - I don't mean to end on a 'dark' note - things can, however, be out of our control. You can't change certain things and that's okay. It's okay to 'accept defeat' and move on from something. This can apply to a lot of things; for example, it's not your job to fix somebody. It's okay to 'give up.' This can help you learn even more than pushing yourself past your breaking point to achieve an unrealistic goal.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say & reflect on for today. If you made it all the way through, thanks for reading!

So I found out something interesting about him, and we did talk on call about it and what hapepned and he explained his side of the story. I have nothing against him, I'm just genuinely confused with myself atm. I was contemplating if I only like girls or not, but when we hung out I thought I was sure I'm bi because I felt okay holding his hand and such. However, I get soooo nervous all the time now that we're dating.

Firstly, I just wanna say that you DON'T have to put yourself into a relationship - period. You don't HAVE to do anything like that, no matter your age. You don't need a romantic partner to be a valid person, and you don't necessarily even need a 'reason.' You're allowed to just NOT date people.

Secondly, I wanna say that it's up to you. If something feels off, if you realize you don't like them, if you realize you don't wanna be in a relationship you're ALLOWED to end things. Of course, it should be respectful (unless they did something shitty & don't deserve your respect) but you can have a convo with them and discuss how you feel. A decent person is 100% allowed to be confused and maybe hurt, but they should at least listen to what you have to say because it's a valid thing.

Next, I wanna talk about the FEAR of dating, especially after a bad relationship. My last boyfriend - not this past summer, but the one before it - did me really dirty and tbh I'm still recovering from it. I don't think I'll ever fully forget or 'move on' from what happened, which sucks but it is what it is. It's a perfectly real thing to be afraid of dating again - do you know how terrified I was to meet up with my current boyfriend? I was worried he'd do the same shit, and thankfully he hasn't, but it's okay to be afraid. Just don't let that determine you, and if you need more time to figure things out, recover or whatever, it's okay to take that time! No matter the reason, it's okay to not be ready for a relationship.

Relationships are a complicated thing no matter what. Arguments are bound to happen, and they're healthier than NEVER arguing. Sometimes you have to get things out in the open and shouting/yelling comes with that. Of course there's an unhealthy amount of arguing involved at times, which can turn relationships toxic. This, on the other hand, IS a negative thing. But that's not the case in all relationships. So yeah, you're gonna feel nervous until you're comfortable with each other, and you're maybe gonna get stressed or cry. That's not automatically a bad thing.

And finally - but definitely most importantly - RED IS NOT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR. Red flags are NOT your friend. Sometimes - and I'm totally gonna expose a lot of people right now (including myself) - people we don't know in person (fictional men, celebrities, etc.) do 'toxic' things that could be considered attractive. However, things like that don't mean they're like the guys you read about - it just means they're a shitty person, so PLEASE don't ignore that for the purpose of salvaging the relationship.

Anyway, that's really all I wanted to say. Thanks for reading!