jay has a potted cactus on his head, and roy has a potted carrot XD
if you are interested in a custom chibi woodcarving of a character of your choice PLS let me know because i can absolutely provide i think ive even got an etsy listing somewhere
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I laughed out loud like ten times while writing this, so I hope you get as much amusement out of it as I did.
Read on below, or on AO3
It's The Great Pumpkin, Jason Todd
“I thought Ivy was playing nice lately? She and Harley were settling down and raising carnivorous roses together or something?”
“She has been. That’s why we’re investigating. Dickie Bird says that Ivy is insisting she’s not involved with this. Gave proper alibis and everything.”
Jason hunkered down next to the fence and made a cup with his hands to boost Roy up to the top.
“Holy shit,” Roy hissed when he got a look over.
“Feel free to pull yourself the rest of the way up. You know, any time now. Your balls are basically on my forehead right now.”
Reaching down, Roy swatted around until he hit the top of Jason’s head. “You’ve gotta see this.”
“I can’t see anything. Because, and I believe I mentioned this already, your balls are sitting on my fucking forehead.”
When Roy made no effort to climb the rest of the way on his own or to shift his crotch away from his partner’s face, Jason growled deep in his throat and stood up, forcing Roy to the top of the fence in one quick motion.
His idiot redhead flailed and squawked in surprise and tumbled headfirst over the fence, landing on the other side with a wet squelch.
Jason had been raised better than to laugh. Too hard.
He only had about three seconds total to enjoy himself before Roy let out a scream.
“Arsenal!” Using little more than his fingernails and the rubber toes of his tactical boots, Jason scrambled up the wooden fence. He landed in a crouch, already drawing his guns to take aim at-
“Ohhh, this is gonna suuuuck.”
Ambling slowly across the pumpkin patch was a Jack o’Lantern.
An enormous one.
At least the size of an SUV, and getting bigger as the pumpkins around it withered on the vine as it passed.
And it was dragging Roy in its wake, the man tangled up in vines that pinned his arms to his side and were snaking into his mouth to keep him quiet. Still, he struggled and bit and fought to reach one of his arrows or his gun. His bow snagged on a dried pumpkin and pulled free.
The mud in the patch slurped at Jason’s boots, slowing him to little more than a jog. Unable to reach his partner, he fired at the monster. “Hey, Jackass!”
His bullets only made wet, meager thuds when they hit the gargantuan gourd and were absorbed into it, but it was at least enough to get its attention.
It bellowed noiselessly, pulp and seeds spewing out of the jagged mouth and raining down around the patch. One of its trailing vines slithered across the mud to wrap around Jason’s ankle and yanked him off balance. He was dragged forward and as he scrambled for purchase to pull away, his fingers brushed something smooth and solid.
Jason clutched at Roy’s bow and twisted around onto his back. His jacket was hiked up and dead vines jabbed and scraped at his back. “Boom arrow!” he shouted to Roy who had pried his quiver free and was trying to stab at his bounds with one of his classic arrows.
Roy understood immediately, but he knew they would only have one chance at this. The vines he had bitten through were already regrowing and they were winding around his throat. There were spots in his vision from his air being cut off completely. He strained to get his fingers into the quiver, sorting through them by touch alone to find the arrow he needed.
He pulled it out and sent it end over end at Jason just as he passed him.
Not for the first time, he wondered if he had been a good enough teacher, but he couldn’t do anything but trust Jason when he nocked the arrow and took aim. Shooting from the ground was hard enough. Doing it while being hauled across a cursed pumpkin patch with mutant vines trying to pull his limbs off would be next to impossible.
The arrow loosed and buried to the fletching in the pumpkin.
For an agonising moment, nothing happened.
Then the explosive detonated. Briefly, the pumpkin glowed from within, light shining out through its mouth and eyes, casting a shine over the field.
Until it burst apart, chunks flying out in a near perfect circle and falling to the ground. Spattering the two men with orange sludge.
The vines holding them captive went limp and they were able to scramble free. Jason crawled to Roy’s side and flopped over next to him.
Between pants for air, Roy spoke.“Next Halloween, we’re just taking Lian trick-or-treating, and staying in to watch movies.”
it's 1am and i'm currently confronting the fact we have not had an on-panel jayroy interaction in five wholeass years
afaik last time jason and roy were actually in the same page together was for rhato annual #2 in 2018
they've mentioned each other in passing since then yeah, but omfg i don't think they've even been in the same vicinity since roy went to sanctuary?????
someone PLEASE prove me wrong bc it cannot have been 5 actual years
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*Drops this sweet and smutty piece into your basket*
Enjoy! Read here, or on AO3
“I’m amazed it still fits.”
“The tights are a little snug. And the hem on the tunic barely covers my ass now.”
“It was always like that.”
“Now I know why you had a crush on me when we first met.”
Roy waggled his eyebrows and flopped back on his old bed with a plastic pumpkin filled with mini candy bars. He winced and sat back up to pull the quiver of toy arrows off his back and tossed them aside so he could stretch out with a bit more dignity this time, and hooked his phone onto its tripod stand on the bedside table. His cap was lopsided, perched at a raking angle over his forehead and his hair had come loose from its bun to tumble around his shoulders in a way he knew was probably driving Jason wild with the urge to reach out and tuck it back into place. “You were so tiny and cute, looking at me all wide eyed and starstruck.”
Jason huffed and folded his arms over his chest, looking away from the camera with his lips pursed in a tight line. He was back in Gotham helping his brothers and sisters deal with the chaos that was the city on Halloween, while Roy was on the other coast dealing with the chaos that was his daughter on Halloween. Now, Lian was tucked into bed after watching The Great Pumpkin and eating her own body weight in Skittles and Jolly Ranchers, and Jason was taking a break on his favourite gargoyle to stuff a burger in his face and check in with his partner.
He wiped some ketchup off his chin with his thumb and sucked it clean. “I was fourteen, and the tall hot redhead with archer’s shoulders kept putting his arm around me and worrying that I might be cold. Of course I got a crush. And I wasn’t tiny. I was-”
“Itty. The ittiest of bitties,” Roy argued around the cherry lollipop he had just stuck in his mouth. He pulled it out with a pop and used it to point at the camera. “With your round chubby cheeks and your curls. You were fucking adorable. And look at you now.”
“What, I’m not cute anymore? I’ll have you know, these curls-” Jason tossed his head so his hair, flattened down from his helmet, got a bit more life in it. The white streak swooped over his eyebrow, and another lock bounced beside it in an echo of the precious ‘heart bangs’ that little old ladies used to coo over when he was just a wee little thing beaming in a red vest standing at Bruce’s hip at Wayne Galas. “They still get attention. Just last week they got me an extra samosa when I picked up lunch.”
“I was gonna say that you grew up to basically be an underwear model, but sure, if you wanna stick with cute, that’s fine with me, babe.” He put the lollipop back in his mouth and rolled it around with his tongue thoughtfully. “Maybe next year we’ll dress you up like Robin to come door to door with us. That’d be really cute.”
“Until the shorts split and my ass is on display for all of Star City to see.”
“You’re right. That’s just for me.”
Jason smirked at his phone and Roy felt his tights get just a bit tighter. He knew that smirk. He knew all of his Jaybird’s expressions, had them memorised and catalogued to be able to read the slightest shift in his lips or twitch of his eyebrows. Roy rolled to his side while Jason leaned back between the wings of the gargoyle to settle in comfortably with his phone held outstretched.
“Just for you, hm?”
“What can I say? I’m greedy.” Roy twirled his fingers around the ties that held his tunic closed then gave them a slow, deliberate tug. It fell open and he shrugged to slide it off his shoulders. Even in the low light of his childhood bedroom, the freckles stood out on his pale skin. “And it’s been almost a week since I saw you in person.”
“You’re insatiable is what you are,” Jason muttered and rolled his eyes at the same time, but ran his palm down the front of his chest to his belly. Then lower, to where his thigh holsters framed and accentuated the bulge in the front of his combat pants.
“Insatiable, and full of sugar,” Roy pointed out as he sat up and shed the tunic entirely, tossing it to the floor. “That’s a deadly combination, if not dealt with properly. Why, I’m so pent up, I might just explode and level the city if I don’t do something drastic soon. I’m talking level five disaster zone with-”
“Stop. Talking.”
Roy’s mouth snapped shut but he grinned. He loved it when Jason got commanding.
He loved it when Jason got obedient. Or passive. Or aggressive. Or just opened his thighs enough for him to thrust between them early in the morning because he was still too sleepy to do more than occasionally squeeze until Roy came on the back of his balls before getting up to make them some coffee.
Roy just loved Jason.
“I’ve got about five minutes before I have to head back out. If you don’t shut up, you’ll eat up at least three of those minutes.” Jason crammed a handful of fries into his mouth to finish his meal then switched his phone to his other hand so he wasn’t palming himself and spreading salty grease stains over his pants.
“I can work miracles in two minutes.” Twisting and squirming around, Roy positioned himself on his knees in front of the camera and pushed his scarlet tights down his thighs. His cock was already pressing his jockstrap forward. Without the cup to keep it in place, it was stretching the elastic across Roy’s hips until reached in and lifted it and his balls out into the open.
On active duty, Jason had more to get through. Zips, snaps, compression shorts, a rigid plastic safety cup, femoral artery protecting stab-proof ceramic armour, and a pair of low-rise Versace briefs were all fumbled with to get out of the way before he could finally sigh with relief when he took himself in hand and gave himself a firm stroke. “Some of us last a bit longer than that, Speedy.”
“Something, something, arrow pun,” Roy mumbled and sank back on his heels, spreading his knees as far as his tights would allow. The quick, wet sounds coming through his ear buds as Jason worked his fist over himself went straight to his cock and he tried to match the rhythm with his own hand. When he saw his partner lift his hand to his mouth and lick a stripe over his palm, Roy hissed and flexed his toes into the blanket under him. “‘M makin’ a new rule,” he said, wiping his cheek on his shoulder. “No more than three days without being able to see you in person. Gonna get a zeta tube in all our safe houses. Don’t care if it’s a waste of resources.”
“Is this like that rule where if I’m wearing a suit, I have to let you moan without making fun of you for it?” Jason arched off the gargoyle’s back and bit his lip hard enough to turn it bright red when he released it.
“Uh huh. Very important. Fuck, Jaybird. Lookit you. So fucking gorgeous. Wanna be with you right now.”
“Your hand isn’t as satisfying, huh? Or do you just want your mouth on me?”
The phone began to sway and Roy realised that Jason was pumping his hips into his fist, fucking it as if it was Roy’s ass or his mouth and he lost his rhythm and it was too late to get it back because fuck if that wasn’t the hottest thing he had ever seen and before he could catch his breath for a truly pitiful whine, he was coming hard enough that it reached his chin as he leaned back to take it.
For all his teasing about haste, Jason was just a breath behind, groaning Roy’s name out deeply as he caught his mess on his hand. “Shit, I should have asked for extra napkins,” he complained, sitting up and grimacing at his hand before licking it clean after giving it a shake to get most of it off.
“You’re so fucking romantic,” Roy said with a weak laugh and sank against his pillows. “Look at me. I’m swooning, Mr Darcy.”
“Careful, you don’t want to get me worked up again already.” Grinning, Jason began the tedious job of trying to get himself tucked and zipped and buckled back into place with one hand while holding his phone in the other. “You’ll have to-” He froze, the colour draining from his face as his eyes got wider. “Oh. Oh fuck.”
“What’s the matter, babe?” Roy leaned forward to grab his phone, as if he could climb through it to help avert disaster. “What happened?”
“I…” The colour all came rushing back, staining Jason’s cheeks a red that almost matched his helmet. He looked like he wanted to take a plunge off the edge of the building. “I had my comms on.”
Oh no! My son Jason has been kidnapped by the Riddler! Oh no! If only there were an ARCHER VIGILANTE who could SAVE JASON!! Preferably one with an ARSENAL of arrows!!! I just want my son JASON to get saved and also maybe get a boyfriend because he is SINGLE!!