If not for my dad, I think I could just sit in silence and write 20 notes a day sometimes. I have so many thoughts, since I'm almost always thinking. And since I can now post online and write in my phone's notes app, I've kind of gotten addicted to writing notes and rambles about everything that's going on in my life. I honestly feel like it's an addiction sometimes. I don't know if I could go without doing it for a whole entire day. I mean… hypothetically, I could. But actually doing that sounds really, really hard to do. Still, I've got bigger problems than writing too much. I know that, yet I still guilt myself over writing too much regardless. It seems to be a repetitive behavior of mine. Since I began writing so much around the time my mom died and my old tablet without any social media accounts died, I always assume there's some weird psychological thing at play here.
Anyways, my dad says I could turn all of my writings into a book or something. I think he has a good point when he says that, but I also don't know what kind of person would seriously want to a book of this stuff. Who would want to read a book that's just 400+ notes? They're not stories, just notes. They're vents about my stress, they're ideas for stories that'll never go anywhere, they're my random thoughts on the media I watch or the things I read. Who would seriously want to read all that? I can't understand anyone really wanting to read it all. People on social media might be fine doing it, considering people do like my notes online. But would anyone seriously pay for a book like this? I have my doubts, and that's just my low self esteem talking.
I wish I could take these notes and make them all into books. It could help me with a form of income, cynically. More hopefully, it could make me feel like my ideas for stories are finally going somewhere. That's always been a big pain for me, because I have so many ideas. So many ideas for stories or characters or what have you. But I'm just not good enough at descriptive language or dialogue to ever have anything go anywhere. I can write a mean outline, but besides that? Well…besides my outlines and ideas, I'm not really big on anything. So I just worry my ideas will never go anywhere and I'll be stuck with a creative spark forever unfulfilled. But if other people can read about my ideas and then do stuff with them for me, that might actually provide me with some amount of fulfillment.
So maybe my dad has a point about me turning all these notes into a book. I guess it could be nice, and then I could delete all the notes off my phone. All the notes that get into the book could be removed from my phone, thereby clearing up space for more notes. I think it could be nice to one day have volume upon volume of my notes in books. Certainly could be said to help with remembering things years from now. But I don't know if anyone would even want to read this if it was actually a real published book series. Who would really want to know what one person thinks, especially when all I can offer are vents and ideas? It's like trying to sell journals. Who would really want my private musings? I'd hope someone would, but I have my doubts.
And on that note, I'm ending this note. My stomach is getting sore again, and I want to just have some more time to try and calm down. I swear my stomach gets worse when I'm stressed, but it's also just bad regularly now because of the eight months of stress and struggle I've had since leaving High School in June of last year. But I'm rambling again, so I'll just shut up.
