#racooon

The American people trust this man with their healthcare?

Just to let y’all know this is my first fic in like 10 years that I’ve written so I’m REALLY rusty

Been binge watching big mouth and after some research there is not enough fics for this guy so here’s my attempt

Life isn’t so great at the moment, with teachers shoving essays down your throat to your parents messy ass divorce it feels like you really can’t catch a break

It was another long day when you went to pick up your little sister Jessie from a school sleepover when you bump into somebody’s older brother waiting for the kids to finish getting lectured

Waking up at the crack of dawn to pick up your little sister wasn’t ideal especially when you had plans to rot in bed while thinking of the assignments you have due but won’t start until the day of.

Alas you weren’t expecting Shannon would wake you up yelling something about dad and something something fire, something something Jessie and the next thing you knew you were sitting in mom’s car in a middle school parking lot.

You sluggishly got out of the car after realizing you were falling asleep and that Jessie was taking forever to get out of the gym. As you approached the gym doors you looked through the small windows on the double doors and scanned the room for Jessie before going in.

Now you weren’t sure if it was the lack of sleep or the fact that you weren’t completely awake yet but when you looked through the windows you saw a scene you could only describe as an actual shit show.

Fire on the walls, charred stage curtains, trash and mysterious liquids all over the floors. Students running around yelling and throwing things all over the place.

The few students that were asleep had doodles and notes all over their faces in what you could only guess was permanent marker.

You suddenly heard the sound of a police siren pull up behind you, that’s when you decided you didn’t have any energy to deal with whatever was going on in there so you moped the hell away from the doors before you got roped into anything.

You made your way back to your car trying to decide if you wanted to nap while waiting for Jessie to come out or just deal with the fact you were already awake.

As you arrived to your car you saw more parents pulling up to pick up their kids. Some passed out in the front seat and others idly chatting with their PTA friends while drinking coffee.

“God I’d kill for a coffee right now”

You said mumbling to yourself

“You don’t have the guts”

You jumped at the sudden comment and did a full 360 trying to pinpoint where and who just talked to you. Before you knew it a tall slim guy with shaved sides practically appeared out of nowhere leaning against his van, arms crossed whilst flipping a butterfly knife.

“What the fuck!”

You said out of confusion and panic, you could have sworn no one was parked next to you! You made sure of it you barely had the energy to drive let alone have awkward small talk with a parent about how sorry they were for the divorce your parents are going through.

Still clutching your chest in a gesture of fear and surprise you took another look at this stranger before you realized he looked strangely familiar.

“Aren’t you little Nicks older brother?”

You say with uncertainty in your voice, it’s been a while since you’ve last seen him and come to think of it last time you saw him we was slashing tires over at Leah’s party.

“Yeah, what about it”

He said in his signature gruffy voice, not looking up from his knife looking pretty uninterested. You sighed and finally relaxed your tense shoulders.

“You scared the fuck out of me. It’s too early for you to be pulling your 90’s slasher shit”

You said annoyed while pulling out your phone to match his uninterested energy, because the fuck you be ignored you do the ignoring!

“Relax loser I was here first, you’re the one who decided to invade my space”

Judd said while rolling his eyes still holding an unbothered expression. You put your phone back into your pocket running back the events of just 30 minutes ago. It could be possible you just weren’t paying attention, you just barely gained consciousness like 5 minutes ago.

“Now it just feels like you’re gaslighting me.”

“Whatever”

You just rolled your eyes at his short response, clearly he doesn’t want any small talk either. You stretched and decided to sit in the hood of your car hoping sitting on an uncomfortable surface would stop you from falling asleep.

Before you knew it another 30 minutes had passed, and here you were holding your head up like a newborn baby. Between the distant buzzing of parents and Judds consistent knife whooshing sound it’s like you were basically being lulled to sleep. Next thing you know you’ve embarrassingly let the sleep win and like a bowling ball you snapped up before you fell off of your car.

You heard some one laughing and turned to face the culprit.

“Whats so funny?”

You said annoyed and with a new found feeling of embarrassment, jolting awake and almost falling off your car gave you some sort of adrenaline suddenly you felt wide awake and heat rising up to your cheeks.

“Just the thought of you face planting on the ground brings me joy”

“Oh HA HA”

You said pretty sarcastically now jumping off the car and furiously texting Jessie to get her ass out ASAP.

You see Judd tuck away his knife and bang on the hood of his van twice with a closed fist. Out of nowhere two raccoons crawl out of his van both holding something you can’t make out. With tiny tippy tapping one makes its way over to Judd and holds a can out to him, Judd snaps his fingers and motions over to me then the second raccoon jumps over and very politely hands me a cold energy drink.

Excitingly you take the can and look over at Judd practically with star shaped eyes.

“Thanks! Can I pet him!!?!”

You asked with anticipation, Judd cracking open his drink shrugs.

“You can if you want but I can’t promise the safety of your fingers”

“Oh you wouldn’t bite my fingers would you”

You said as you bravely ruffled the top of the raccoons head, admittedly it did growl at first but it quickly saw you were no threat

Some how you and this raccoon grew an instant connection and you decided yes. Yes I can cradle this baby.

You placed your drink on the hood of your car and picked up the raccoon and began to baby talk it whilst petting and patting its belly

“Judd this little guy is the sweetest thing ever he couldn’t even hurt a fly!”

You said in disbelief of the adorable possibly rabies filled raccoon

“That turd does nothing but cause trouble”

He said as he got closer to you and tried jabbing the raccoon only for the raccoon to snap at Judd’s finger. Lucky for Judd he pulled back quickly.

“See!”

Judd said in a grumpy tone

“Oh it’s because you need to show him love”

You said hugging the raccoon now

“Oh if Shannon wasn’t acting like such a bitch lately you would totally be living in my closet, yes you would!”

You said half joking to the raccoon.

You felt your phone buzz so you reluctantly handed the raccoon back over to Judd while you checked who messaged you.

Looking back up from your phone you give sad eyes to the raccoon knowing you have to go now

“Well Jessie managed to sneak out so we’re leaving before we end up staying here for another hour”

You pet the raccoon again and get into your car, making sure not to forget your energy drink. After you turn on the car you roll down the passenger window.

“Well see you around little Nickys older brother”

You said waving at Judd who wrangled the raccoon who now knew what love felt like back into his van.

“You know Jessie’s older sister- it wouldn’t be so bad to see you more often”

He said still keeping his lax demeanor

“Yknow to help me train the raccoons”

You smiled and nodded

“Sure, and for the record it’s y/n.”

You said as you began to drive away to scoop Jessie and go home. When you realized that you never gave him your number and he doesn’t know yours.

Monday, you’re going to have a long and interesting conversation with Leah.

THE END - it was short and I really didn’t know where it was going to go, I also got carried away with the thought of adopting a raccoon.

Lemme know if yall have any requests of other stuff and maybe I’ll get around to it???

Enid: *turns around to look Yoko in the face* remember the racoon with a knife incident?

Yoko: How could I forget? You threw soup at it and locked yourself in the closet for about an hour *cackles*

Enid: Yeah.. well I just found out— it wasn't a racoon *gives a thin-lipped smile*

Yoko: *confused* Huh?

Wednesday: *enters through the window silently* it was me.

Yoko: pardon?

Wednesday: I was testing a new night infiltration cloak made from dumpster silk and squirrel teeth.

Enid: You hissed at me and stabbed my chair

Wednesday: I have to admit that you startled me. It was an obvious waring stab.

Yoko:

Yoko: *cracks a smile* you hissed at your girlfriend?

Wednesday: *in her usual deadpan voice* it's surprisingly effective.

Enid: I slept with a night light for three weeks!

Wednesday: *proud of herself* Very good then. Fear sharpens the senses.

Yoko: *shrugs* honestly— I'm just surprised you passed as a racoon.. although I see the similarities.. but that's commitment

Wednesday: *nods at her* thank you.

Enid: pff why am I in love with an idiot like you

Anyone have any tips for falling asleep? 😅✨🍀

Raccoons aren’t “invading.”

They’re adapting to survive.

Habitat loss pushes mothers to raise their young in garages, sheds, and backyards—anywhere shelter still exists.