#questioning bisexual

Hey--I want to reassure you that you're not the only one wrestling with these thoughts, feelings and questions. One of the more wholesome stories on reddit tackles a similar issue, I'll link it here for you to read.

As someone who's genderqueer and on the aroace spectrum, I think I'm pretty qualified to say that attraction can be murky sometimes. I've met people who are initially attracted to a stranger, and then lose some or all of that attraction when they find out said stranger isn't one of the genders they'd be interested in dating. I've talked with people who thought they were 100% attracted to only one gender and then met someone of a different gender who completely changed the way they view their orientation. Hell, I know people whose preferences transcend labels entirely.

I also want to point out that there's a difference between finding traits we associate with masculinity (muscles, facial hair, lower pitched voices, etc.) or femininity (curves, long hair, higher pitched voices, etc.) attractive VS finding men or women attractive. A straight man might find himself admiring the elegance of the way a masculine-presenting individual walks, a straight woman might find a butch lesbian's biceps extremely attractive, vice versa for anyone of any sexuality that is more likely to exclude one or more genders. That doesn't invalidate the way they personally identify.

What I'm trying to say is, navigating the world of online crushes as a teen is difficult enough without the added pressure put on questioning people AND a young cis ally's concerns about navigating the transphobia and cissexism they've internalized.

While it's possible that some part of you does think of your friend as a guy, it's clear to me from your language that you're making a conscious effort to respect her identity and encourage others to do the same, and honestly? That matters more than any subconscious biases you might have.

So let me give you a reminder to help stave off those mean little wormy thoughts: you're not hurting anyone by trying to untangle your own identity--and any stereotypes you've been taught about "what makes someone a man/woman"--up in your head, or by reaching out for help and advice.

there was always this delighted realization for me of, “oh! i can do this now! this belongs to me again!” followed by the frustrated realization of “oh... i can’t do this anymore. it doesn’t belong to me (even though it did and i didn’t have the backbone to stand up for myself yet). i feel like i’ve lost something, was it worth it?”

as said here, “why should i have to pick a label when they both share so much history?” I DON’T HAVE TO AND I WON’T AND YOU CAN’T FORCE ME TO!! I’M VALID!! MY EXPERIENCES THROUGH MATERIAL REALITY OUTWEIGH YOUR PERSONAL DISCOMFORT, BIGOTRY, AND LACK OF EDUCATION & UNDERSTANDING.

Hey there! First of all I want to clarify, as always, I cannot be sure what is the correct answer here. This is something that may take a lot of introspection and time to fully figure out. So please, take my perspective with a grain of salt, know I don't have all the answers, and that you are truly the only one who would ever be able to fully comprehend what is going on with yourself and determine your own sexuality.

With that disclaimer out of the way... This sounds like intrusive thoughts to me, especially considering how uncomfortable you are with the whole thing. Unfortunately a lot of us grow up thinking we are supposed to be heterosexual, supposed to obey these rules that were put in place because society doesn't like to admit homosexuality is a thing that exists.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts is difficult, I've had to cope with them myself, and it can feel like your own mind turning against you and trying to put you "in place" somehow. My personal strategy when I get intrusive thoughts is to try to rationalize through them. Basically, acknowledge you're thinking them, acknowledge that just because you think them it doesn't mean anything about your sexuality, about what you actually want, and if you can't make them go away, try to distract yourself with something else. I try to turn to music, TV shows or reading when it gets really bad. I turn to a friend or my girlfriend if all else fails.

Meditation can help make this process of recognizing intrusive thoughts for what they are easier. If you have never meditated before, it can be a good idea to try. Start off when you're calm, outside of an episode of intrusive thoughts. I recommend the Headspace app, the free basic 10 part course is all you're gonna need to get a basic grip of how to do it. Meditation can look at lot like acknowledging your thoughts, and letting them go by. It's not that they don't matter, but they don't have to control you. Meditation is a good way to learn to handle what you're thinking, and not panic at the bad thoughts that are bound to come.

Also, if you have anyone you trust enough to not judge your intrusive thoughts, reach out. Talking aloud or writing about what you're thinking sometimes helps you realize how irrational it would be to just accept your every thought as an absolute reality.

I recommend googling more methods of how to deal with intrusive thoughts, the internet has a lot more resources and tips. Try to remember that it makes sense to have these thoughts, but thoughts are not absolute manifestations of truth. Remember sexuality is about attraction, it is about who you are actually able to love, who you are actually able to be physically attracted to.

You'll be okay, trust yourself, be kind to yourself about this. It doesn't make you any less of a lesbian to have intrusive thoughts. However, if it turns out that in the future you do realize you may also be attracted to men, it doesn't make you a bad person to have been confused. Just be respectful of lesbians, embrace your bisexuality, and move on. I'm not saying this is your case, but I just want to make it very clear there's nothing wrong about not being sure, and figuring it out later. You're not bad for having been confused, you're not bad for misinterpreting something that isn't always black and white due to socialization and societal expectations in general.

I say this because I think the best way to try and analyze what your sexuality actually is is to try to do it from a neutral perspective. Being a lesbian is not value based. You're not better or worse for being homosexual, and you wouldn't be better or worse for being bisexual. Trying to put things in perspective without automatically judging yourself, trying to not assign moral value to your sexuality, is the best way to try to come to terms with whatever it actually is.

And whatever it is, understand you are worthy of happiness just as much as anyone else, understand you are okay either way, you are deserving of a fulfilling life, full of love and care from those around you.

Take care, sister, and good luck. I wish you the best.

I’m neither bi nor a lesbian, so I don’t know that there’s that much advice I can give that’s specific to either of those identities. I’d encourage you to reach out to or follow some bi and lesbian blogs, since they might be able to help you better. But if it helps, here’s how I as an aroace think about attraction. 

Sometimes, your brain picks a particular person, and says “here’s a list of various activities that you think you’d like to do with them”. If that list of activities follows some sort of pattern, you might try to categorize the attraction as being of a particular type (sexual, romantic, platonic, aesthetic, etc.), but you certainly don’t have to. If you end up doing some of the activities on that list with that specific person, you’ll probably enjoy them a lot (although it isn’t necessarily guaranteed); on the other hand, if you end up doing some of the activities on that list with a different person, you might or might not enjoy it. 

However, if you like (or think you’d like) doing some activity with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re attracted to them, especially if you’re not sure if it’s so much that specific somebody or just the idea of somebody in general or even just that particular activity. Add in compulsory heteronormativity and societal pressures and it can be super tricky to figure out if you’re experiencing attraction. The good news is, you don’t have to figure this stuff out right away, or even ever. If you’re not sure of what labels you want to use, or not sure if you’re attracted to someone, that’s okay. Your feelings are real and meaningful, even if you don’t totally understand them.