intro: its kind of a lonely and comforting thing to realize that there is no one in this world that knows me entirely and whole-y. whether its my lack of trust in them, or one of the many lies ive told someone, nobody has ever known the real me. is that when i know ive truly met the one i love, or the person im supposed to be with? idk i really dont know. im just trying to find light in the fact that im a pathological liar with trust issues.
random feelings of the day: dread, nervous, impatience, excitement, pride, annoyance, sadness, envy, longing
random thoughts of the day: he still hasnt said a word about the fact hes leaving, why? why would he do that? i dont care if i didnt mean as much to him as he meant to me. i never wouldve seen this coming. he loved me, whether that was romantic at one point, and platonic at the next, he loved me. i could feel it, or was he that good at faking it?
i reached a pretty big milestone, i got my permit despite being well past the age to get it. he knew i wanted this so badly, and i had the biggest and most heartbreaking urge to call him, text him. hey i got my permit. no. instead, i unadded him, unfollowed him, and tried my hardest to get him out of my mind. this is hopefully the last ill stress over him. i cannot wait until im officially rid of him.
today i had such a longing for a boyfriend that i almost cried. i want a boyfriend so badly its not okay. ive honestly never had that much of a craving for a boyfriend, but right now i want one so badly. i want to hold someones hand and get nervous and feel giddy. i want a boyfriend so badly.
friday, october 9, 2020. 11:58 pm
