cali

ive come up with a few reasons why youd maybe want to hurt me, but none of it sounds like the you that i thought i knew. 

you always forgave me for being unnecessarily mean or my tendency to over-tease. i always thought you knew its because i was so comfortable with you. i even told you that after you confronted me. maybe it wasnt enough.

i thought you forgave me for the beginning of this year. we talked about this. we talked about it for a week straight. you made me promise we wouldnt drift. i promised you we wouldnt drift. we promised. maybe it wasnt enough. 

i told you everything. i told you everything and more. you were my safe place. i tried to be yours. i tried my best to be stable enough to be the best friend possible for you. i was okay with not being the most important person in your life. i was okay with the fact that you meant more to me than i could have ever meant to you. maybe it wasnt enough. 

i havent been crying as much. i feel sort of numb. in the beginning i was feeling everything all at one monent and the next i felt nothing. i dont feel anything anymore like i used to. i dont feel dread or boredom or impatience quite as intense as i used to. the only emotion i can recall is sadness. i feel so sad when i think about you. i guess thats the one thing you can get from this journal, im sad and i miss you. 

i wear your jacket every night. i carry your letter in my backpack. i sleep next to your t shirt and mail. i read our texts nearly every night. i called you once. and i wish i knew what you were thinking. 

i cried on the bus the morning you left, i cried when i got back from school, i cried all night, i cried the next morning, i cried on the bus once again, and after holding it in all day, i cried the moment i got into the car after work. i cried for you so much. you havent even given me a second thought since you broke my heart. everything in me broke the moment you told me you just didnt feel guilty. guilty for what exactly? did you know how much it affected me beforehand, how uncontrollably angry and sad i felt that my best friend didnt tell me he was leaving? 

you have crossed far past the line, yet i would take you back in anyway i could the instant you asked or even gave a hint that you wanted me back in your life. i would do anything to have you back, and you threw me out like it was nothing. 

is this payback for in the beginning? february? i dearly hope it is because then theres a chance that you intend on having me back in your life. 

ill cry for you today, ill cry for you tomorrow. ill cry until i have you back in my life.

no one has ever hurt me so badly. i didnt know anyone had the power to hurt me so much so quickly. he was my best friend, at times he was the only person i loved or believed could love me. i dont understand how someone couldve convinced me that they loved me back and go back so easily. i dont understand any of this and it hurts so badly. i feel like my best friend has died, but i cant say “well its kinda like he has”, because i dont even know if ive ever known him. its so painful. i want to stop feeling anything at all. i want to act as heartless as he did to me. 

how could that person be the boy i loved above everyone else, how could that person be the only thing that stood between me and death? i cant believe he was ever the person that made me feel every emotion possible.

it feels weird to use strictly platonic to describe my love for him, because its almost like it puts a limit to how strong my love couldve been, but i loved him in every way possible. i thought of him as the one, i thought of him as my best friend, i thought of him as a brother, a father, a boy. i loved him in every form he could take. 

but i dont know who “he” is. i dont know if i ever knew him. a part of me is lost that i dont know i ever had. i dont know what to do. 

10/12/2020 12:46am

intro: its kind of a lonely and comforting thing to realize that there is no one in this world that knows me entirely and whole-y. whether its my lack of trust in them, or one of the many lies ive told someone, nobody has ever known the real me. is that when i know ive truly met the one i love, or the person im supposed to be with? idk i really dont know. im just trying to find light in the fact that im a pathological liar with trust issues. 

random feelings of the day: dread, nervous, impatience, excitement, pride, annoyance, sadness, envy, longing

random thoughts of the day: he still hasnt said a word about the fact hes leaving, why? why would he do that? i dont care if i didnt mean as much to him as he meant to me. i never wouldve seen this coming. he loved me, whether that was romantic at one point, and platonic at the next, he loved me. i could feel it, or was he that good at faking it?

i reached a pretty big milestone, i got my permit despite being well past the age to get it. he knew i wanted this so badly, and i had the biggest and most heartbreaking urge to call him, text him. hey i got my permit. no. instead, i unadded him, unfollowed him, and tried my hardest to get him out of my mind. this is hopefully the last ill stress over him. i cannot wait until im officially rid of him.

today i had such a longing for a boyfriend that i almost cried. i want a boyfriend so badly its not okay. ive honestly never had that much of a craving for a boyfriend, but right now i want one so badly. i want to hold someones hand and get nervous and feel giddy. i want a boyfriend so badly. 

intro: i wish people didnt leave. i wish people loved me like they said they did. i wish people wouldnt make promises they couldnt keep.

 those thoughts are what inspired me to start this journal. maybe its more of a diary or spam/finsta vibe. who cares? its my life and my account. i wanted something public and anonymous. i also wanted to see if people could relate to what i feel and think. 

sometimes it’s really hard to believe that what i experience is normal. i get so trapped in my own head and let things brew. i often convince myself that im this horrible and evil person, when in reality im just like every person thats ever lived. 

feelings of the day: physical pain, dread, stress, worry, sadness, annoyance, disappointment, exhaustion, inspiration

random thoughts of the day: it was a chill day but i woke up at like 3:40pm with the most massive headache. i’m on fall break right now so i dont have to get up at 5:30 or 6 am. 

i thought about how i called him last night crying, how he didnt care that this was the first interaction we had in three weeks. how he knows im never the first to reach out after a fight. he shouldve known how much it meant that i was the one reaching out after so many failed and indirect attempts. i called out of nowhere too, it was after work and i was tired and emotionally and physically drained and my brain went to one place, just call him, i thought. why would my brain go there? i felt perfectly fine in the weeks after he stopped talking to me? why would i have the sudden urge to call him? i asked him if he was busy. no. why havent you talked to me? to be honest he hasnt talked to anyone. am i just anyone? no. have you really been that busy? yes. well, sorry, i wont call you again. my voice broke more after every word i spoke to him. i dont understand why he reacted that way. what happened to him? what happened to our friendship? did i do something? 

i never want him in my life again, i never want him in my life to ruin a song or a memory or a friendship. i hate him more than he could have ever hated me all those months ago. after everything. hes leaving just like everyone else has. hes leaving without saying goodbye too. i hate him. i hope i never see him again.