i exist in your loneliness, in tired halo eyes, on victorian chandelier; your window, your

curtains, waiting your return, in mourning, they never ask you, about your letters—

about dusk or cigarettes, or cinnamon peels, you know better, you complain with saffron

silence; finish a goodnight kiss, not sleep, and float in brilliant darkness, desolate, mushy

how you are in the shower by yourself  all full of love and you don’t want it it is sticking to your scalp, your skin you are washing and scrubbing like you can peel it out and off of yourself  but the drain is filling with it, clumped up hair and dead skin cells, that confession you accidentally made last week, so the water isn’t flowing down the love isn’t going anywhere it is building in the stall turning the water all murky at your feet

and how are you supposed to feel clean when love is all grey? when it is spreading from your body up the walls of the shower leaving a ring you won’t be able to wipe away?  maybe love is allowed to be gross, be dirty  make you feel slimy because the other person doesn’t deserve it anyway.

and you can’t wash it away- you’ll just end up with a flooded shower, another mess you couldn’t help but make.

The moment when you asked to ride in my car and I couldn't say anything,

The moment when you held my hand and told me how it fitted perfectly in yours,

The moment you talked and talked and I had nothing to say,

The moment you told me you didn't consider me a best friend anymore,

The moment you told me you loved me and I told you I'm afraid,

The moment you told me you needed me and I told you I don't have anything,

The moment I came to see you and felt like I didn't belong there,

The moment we looked at the moon together and cried separately,

The moment we met and my eyes gave me away,

The moment we fought and didn't talk for days.

Theses moments spanned our time which lasted a forever,

A forever within the numbered days perhaps, forever it was.

Some awkward, some uncomfortable, the moments we went through,

Every bit of them belonged to us though.

It all ends here

With your heart in my pocket And my words on your chest

Another death to swallow

We swore we'd never get the taste of it Now we're outside, freezing with dangling tongues

Unfallen tears are protesting

The night has always been cruel The mourning has always been silent

Don't look at me with those eyes

Love is a gift and I don't want it Love is a weight and I can't bear it

Let the oblivion devour us

Eliminate the drunken midnights and sinful touches Obliterate the hasty confession and sharp dismissal

Always is not a word for you and me

Now, you're nothing but a reminder of guilt And I am nothing but a door slammed on your face

Friendship cannot survive this one