#illustrans

while everyone checks the weather and shrugs.

My mind is an abandoned house,

every room flooded with unfinished tomorrows.

Mud sleeps between the floorboards,

holding the footprints of days I couldn’t survive properly.

My eyes are windows left facing the storm,

so accustomed to grey they no longer expect sunrise.

They call me sunshine,

long after the sky has fallen silent.

But now I build with stronger bricks,

and I thanked them for a feast.

I gathered scraps with trembling hands,

our city hasn’t seen the last

of these april showers just yet

he cautioned us to be prepared

for flooding, when rain hits los angeles

the sky never lets us forget

this city has been my home

for almost too long

next month i turn twenty five and

i don’t know where the time has gone

how dare i still feel like this?

my early twenties will never

be something that i miss

i have never enjoyed living;

happiness is something that i’ve

always dismissed

i can’t believe i still feel like this

why didn’t i try harder not to?

i still remember everything you said,

even the things you swore you didn’t mean

i wish i had the stomach to be mean

i hope that when i turn twenty five

i no longer harbor the fear of being seen

i wish holding resentment wasn’t in my genes

how can i escape my own brain?

i’ve been fighting for so long to be free

I’d call the version of me

who wasn’t afraid to love loudly.

Because if the world was ending,

No bending my voice to soften their pride.

No asking for crumbs of love misread.

No shrinking myself to fit what they said.

No proving my worth, no ache in my chest.

It comes without pleading,

it stays without test.

And now I stand certain.

chosen, not chased.

Loved without asking.