There is a small grave by the sea. I leave flowers there when I can get out of bed. They die quickly in the cold, but. I clear the snow away when it falls. You were always so warm and bright, I don’t want you to be cold. I couldn’t get your discs back- I left a music box there for you anyways. Maybe in the after you can play music again. Maybe you can make your own. Sometimes I can’t make it to the grave and I just. Fall in the snow and lie there. It’s okay, I’m used to the cold. I miss when i wasn’t.
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PSEUDOMEMORIES FUCKING SUCK. THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I REMEMBER EXPERIENCING ONE OF THE MOST HEINOUS FORMS OF EXTENDED ABUSE AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR OUR REAL TRAUMAS. H. HUH? WHY?
Can't help but feel a little cursed. I guess on a positive note. Me taking on suffering means the others don't suffer as deeply.
I'm wondering if what I'm dealing with is anxiety, ocd or ptsd. Perhaps it just blends into a big smoothie.
I am in control of my actions. No matter what pesky thoughts invade my mind. They're just damn manifestations of X trying to gaslight me. I think this is just something for me to solve. I'm gonna harness my energy against it. I'm not dangerous. I must just be so worried of hurting the ones I love. Jr. believes in me. He's convinced I wont hurt him. The thought of me hurting him makes me want to die, that should be proof enough it wont happen. It wont happen if I am capable of choice. My trauma was not my choice. I can't be a horrible person for something against my will. Even though I feel a big part of me consists of suffering. I'm still so much more. It's just my burden to carry and process. I'm not any lesser for it. I'm not weaker for being in pain. It's not weak to be a victim. Its not a choice you can make. It's not a reflection of anything. It's random. It shaped me but it doesn't define me. I have a new life. My second chance.
(Written earlier, posted when i got time) my art VV
Its just sorta sucky bc everyone apparently knew before i did. And it wasnt like it was denial, Cadance looked at me with so much pity and i had no reason to understand why "this tired is different" meant i would LOSe him. I didn't know that the "sometimes i got tired and need to rest for a few days haha! I'll be alright" didnt extend past his 50s. I had no idea to even fully comprehend that he wouldn't always be there. I wasn't stupid, I'd grown up around death and loss and change, but I'd spent 30 years being aggressively shown that people i loved dearest wouldn't leave me for anything in the universe, and would face death for me. I never paused to think too hard about it because i didn't know what i would do. And i was right. I didnt know. I froze.
I keep seeing the memory of realizing things were about to change. Me, Cadance and Danny were playing in the living room with pool noodles. It was just a random fucking day man. It was just, us being us. Stupid bullshit when my world was collapsing. Everything was about to be the worst it ever EVER would be for me. And i was laughing so hard i was lightheaded with Dan. We were slinging styrofoam at each other and i didnt even notice the phone ring. I didnt think too hard on seeing Alder's face, i thought, oh, work. He'll tell me when he hangs up:)
And the playing got softer from the other 2. I didnt understand that they were eavesdropping subtly. I didn't know they'd seen that phonecall enough to know why i should have stopped. It didnt matter, they told me eventually. It didn't matter because Alder pulled me aside, alone into his room.
He told me he had a very serious doctor appointment coming up, and he needed me to be there for it if i could. Of course, anything Bobby. I called him Bobby, because Aldi used to make him mad. Only playfully, he wouldn't really get that mad much, save for protecting me. He told me that this was going to be really hard, and he was sorry in advance for everything that was coming up. I got scared finally. I said whats wrong?
"They think they found something... In my head. They didn't... say that. But i can infer" he was choked up. "I can infer around the silence. The 'you need to make an appointment' instead of 'you're clear, sir.' I just. I need you to understand something very real is going on right now." I didnt understand, or i didnt want to. The fragility of humans i used to rub in Dan's face during fights was biting me and drawing out all of my blood. I didnt want to see it.
Alder was only 67. He was only 67 and he got like 35 years with me. That number repeated for the whole year since i first fronted and got labeled as host. Since the memories started coming in. 35. That stupid, terrible number. Sucks. That now, years and timelines and dimensions apart, souls changed over massive time periods, and im feeling the weight of the first night i slept on the idea that i could maybe possibly lose him soon. And soon I'll have to sleep in this life again, knowing alllll that new information about what happened between then and now.
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