How many times has it happened to you? You realize that if you’d only held your tongue for a few moments you wouldn’t have said whatever you said that you wish you hadn’t said. So often our reaction occurs faster than our ability to judge whether it’s a good choice or not. We react in this moment without the space to consider whether it will serve us well in the next moment.
The brain needs a little bit of time to be able to choose in a reasoned way whether to act on the impulse to say something. If you don’t give it that time, the more primitive and impulsive parts of you are left in charge to act without the benefit of rational consideration.
This is useful if your reaction needs to be immediate to save your life from a physical threat, like a rampaging bear.
This is less useful if your reaction needs to consider the impact on and feelings of another person. This is even more important if that other person is someone you particularly care about and whose feelings are especially sensitive to your words.
In relationships our words carry a lot of power. They have the power to hurt, to help, to heal, to harm. We carry the responsibility to make reasoned choices. We need to be able to create a pause in which we can access the ability to make that reasoned choice.
This can be very challenging if we too are triggered by something that’s been said or done. Our own impulse to protect ourselves happens instantaneously.
That means we need a mechanism by which we can buy ourselves time in which to create that pause and use its power to give us control over our words.
Let me introduce the SLOW DEEP EXHALE (SDE for short). This little breathing technique allows your brain to switch instantly from self-protection to reason. It takes only 4-6 seconds, a brief but magically effective pause.
First, you’re going to focus only on your exhale. Your inhale will take care of itself afterward and is irrelevant to accomplishing this pause.
Second, you’re going to breathe out for that 4-6 seconds; and you’re going to do it through gently pursed lips. Don’t blow; just breathe. This accomplishes the “slow” and the “deep”.
As simple as this sounds, and it is that simple, it is biologically and psychologically very powerful. It tells your brain instantly to chill out, to switch from self-protection to relaxation. This immediately permits you NOT to react. It allows you to reconnect with the less impulsive and more reasoning parts of your brain.
While you are doing this SDE you are moving your awareness from the source of the stress to your gently pursed lips. Most importantly perhaps, the only thing coming out of your mouth is air. There are no words to have to apologize for, no choices that come from your primitive self instead of your thinking self.
During that 4-6 seconds (longer is even better but not required) your brain has the opportunity to switch to your most reasonable self, the one that cares about not just this moment but the ones that will follow.
We have so much less to have to repair, so much less to regret or apologize for, if we invoke the power of the pause.
Every time you practice this little tactic you get better at it. It’s one of those things that gets faster and easier the more you practice it. The smartest thing is to practice it BEFORE you need it. That way when you really need it your brain and your mind already know what to do.
As a bonus, every time you do this SDE you are lowering your blood pressure, slowing your heart rate, and improving your immune function. Pretty cool for a 4-6 second tool.
Practice the Power of the Pause. The power is yours.
