#pourmecoffee

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I wrote you a haiku / But it had no grace / I wrote you a sonnet / But ran out of space / Anyway here's a drawing of a penis on your face @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 151

'2012' is an uplifting movie once you realize the Yankees are dead. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 134

All I'm saying is if you're locked in struggle with your nemesis Levi Johnston, maybe you aren't ready to lead the nation. @pourmecoffee (pourmecoffee) – 132

Too cold to take the baby for a walk, so I put her on the treadmill instead and boy she was really keeping up there for a while. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 127

The U.S. dollar has fallen to a 12-month low. Last night, it watched Leno. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 124

Sometimes I like to sprinkle pee around the toilet so my wife will appreciate it when I don't. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 95

I saw a guy coming out of Costco with a case of toilet paper & a gallon of lotion. Looks to me like he's beating off more than he can screw. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 83

Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

If this cough were any less productive, it would probably get its own Twitter account. @katefeetie (one katie please) – 76

Erectile dysfunction: You just can't beat it. @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 66

Statistics show that using the phrase "I'm just keepin' it real" is a more effective method of birth control than the Pill. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 63

The beauty of Sarah Palin's book is that you actually can shut the book up. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 62

Lot of Seattle men dress like an American Apparel ad someone briefly described to them. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 60

You can lead a horse to water and he'll fish for a day. Teach a horse to water and your lawn will look great. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 56

I'm making a list entitled People Who Don't Get Jokes. You'll be on there, but you won't know why. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 55

You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm still amazed at the number of people allowed to drive despite being retarded. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52

Walked a mile in the rain to Borders. No _Ficciones_. Too bad I didn't need 16,000 Dan Brown books and an effeminate vampire calendar. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47

Turns out "I have" is an inappropriate response when the cartoon my son is watching asks "Has anyone seen my Mom's special box". @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 47

It's all fun and games until you have to lie to the proctologist that the cucumber lodged in your anus is the result of an accident. @Beef_Tongue (Squalid Thoughts) – 46