#potiential

So I’m sitting in a bathtub

 wondering, wondering about life 

as fragments of thoughts flash before my eyes

I try to hold on to them - but they slip away

into my sea of thoughts 

lost, hopeless, gone

and I’m wondering, wondering  

 I think and I know I need to do something

but my body won’t move 

it seems like I lost my soul again

like I wonder how can that happen?

I feel things sometimes

other times I feel like an empty cup a void of thought 

no hope, no perseverance, ambition 

just nothing  

then I think about  what would happen if I actually did something

finally wrote that book, draw that picture

actually get up 

get up and live

but that would take effort

                       and I’m still  a void

                                    And  I’m  still sitting in a bath tub wondering 

                               wondering  about life                

After getting Carson up, I got up and walked to the bathroom and suddenly i healed over the toilet throwing up. My first thought was food poisoning then it hit me….  Could I be pregnant? I grew frightened. Things were finally adjusted and good. We had a fully stocked house. A small one at that and Colt and I were good. We had fallen in love all over again and this would surely complicate things. But it was just a hunch. How could I know for sure. I didn't want to stir things up for nothing. I went back into the room and laid back down and colt immediately put his arm around me. “good morning beautiful. How you feeling?” I took in a deep breath. “Colt….I think i’m pregnant.” He slowly sat up and turned towards me. “Are you sure?” he asks. “Well no. Its just, today is the fourth morning in a row that i woke up vomiting. And we’ve been here for over two months and i haven't had a period. I figured it was just my body readjusting since before we got here i was under so much stress.” Colt smiles from ear to ear. I’ll go into town and get you a test. Is there anything else you need?” “Maybe some ginger-ale?” I ask. “You got it.” He says kissing my forehead.  

Wherever i travel People are always afraid Not of what i do Or what i’ve done But of what i’m capable So they construct barriers Around me Attempting to block me from success Barriers That of which i  topple In time, always

I can only keep working at developing myself as a human to hopefully become all that I can be. Really that’s all any of us can do. It’s what keeps us strong against the tide of reality and responsibility that drown our dreams in cynicism and gray scale. I can only hope to embody the spirit of what my 15 year old self envisioned. But I want to become so much more.

A friend asked me a poignant yet completely introspective question the other day over coffee: Would you have imagined when we were 15 that we would be where we are now?

This question really shook me to the core. What did I think was gonna happen when I was 15? Well i was a concert, music loving teenager who could only imagine where life was gonna take her. I imagined myself having my own place, having a fantastic boyfriend, and having some then unnamed incredible career.

Jetting to the present I do have a wonderful place of my own, and a wonderful man in my life. The career is still in stasis. But with hopes fate will decide a better diversion for my true passions.Some things have become true that my 15 year old self foresaw.  While this could be akin to a premonition, I like to think that I always had it in me to get what I want.

Being a quarter of a century though does not come without its drawbacks. I get more questions on when I will get married or when I will have my first child then when I will publish my first novel. When I tell people I don’t want to think about kids until I’m forty, they often look at me like I’m joking. I’m not joking. I feel like there is so much more life to live before I even consider creating one of my own. As far as marriage goes, the commitment involved will not be taken into consideration for at least another five years. And then at that point it may still be considered a moot point. I value my independence, but I also think such life decisions should employ lots of thinking and mulling over. This bodes well for my inherently neurotic nature.

But I digress. When I was 15 I envisioned myself as a young independent woman, living her dreams and embracing her potential. I feel like I am at least half of that statement. I am a young independent woman who can take care of herself. But am I embracing my potential? Recent times aside, prior behavior indicated I may have become stagnant in my ways. My creativity had been non-existent. But I feel as if I’ve encountered a renaissance of sorts. I feel driven more now to pursue my interests and passions then I have in a long while. I feel like I’m finally on the precipice of discovering who I am and all that I am capable of. This could just be my reality playing tricks on my mind, but I feel as if the winds have changed. What felt like chains and the smell of cubicles shackling me to an inevitable destiny, now have an air of whimsy and undiscovered curiosity that is tangible and within my grasp.

When my friend asked me such large and philosophical questions, I really couldn't think of how to answer her. It sent my mind racing into all sorts of messy directions, with no coherent sentences in sight. Thankfully we are different than who we were at 15. With more world experience and all that other shtick. But as my friend so eloquently put it, she is no where near where she thought her journey would take her. I actually think this is fucking fantastic. This means that we can't always see where we are going, but we often end up exactly where we need to be. Even with misguided dreams at 15 we only had a naive conception of what being a grown-up actually meant. Or the many complexities that it could contain. I know I certainly didn't. But I’m grateful for the reality check. It’s what makes each of our own self-driven soliloquies that we call life so exciting, and ripe with meaning and fulfillment.