Hello! I've been following this blog for a while and it is completely fine if this post isn't something you feel like you may want on your page. I just wanted to talk about how kinda rare it is for younger polyam people (such as myself and my partners) to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world and those around us. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem but hopefully, this can reach someone and make them feel less alone.
For reference, my partners and I are all 17. We have such an established connection and an open line of communication, especially since we all pretty much started out as friends. The three of us have grown up in immigrant families with some pretty strict values and customs that make it hard for us to be our true selves around our families when we're all at an event together like a birthday or just a casual hang out. It's especially hard because 4 times out of 5, we'd need a chaperone and then we have to code switch to "bro" and "dude" and "girl" because if anyone who ISN'T supposed to know finds out, it could potentially put all of us in a situation. It just sucks because I love them both so much and I wouldn't trade them for the absolute world! If I could scream it off of a rooftop, I'd scream until aliens thought the humans were raging war. I don't want to hide the fact that my love extends past the boundaries of societal norms. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding a giant secret behind a curtain. But I can't do all of that without potentially ruining the relationships I have with my family, my partner's families, and their relationships with their own families. This is very long, I apologize but to wrap it up:
It's difficult having to pretend to only be friends in the eyes of the people we care the most about. But the kind of love and connection I have with my partners is a kind of love that I wouldn't give up, even at gunpoint.
So this is a fascinating perspective to me, and I thank you deeply for sharing it. Because I would have killed (at least maimed) to know I was poly when I was a teen. It would have clarified years of my life, it would have allowed me years more of freedom and joy. Not to mention having friends on my side from the beginning.
So its heartwrenching to hear how burdensome it is to you -- even though it makes sense.
I want to let you know these problems are not unique to young folks. Its not "kinda rare it is for younger polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world." Its rare for all polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world. Adulthood and independence often allows much more space, of course. You curate more of your own life as an adult, and that gives you so much more time where you can be authentic, away from people who might "cause a situation," as you put it. I don't want to diminish this, because its very important to me you are aware of this very real hope, and because I don't want you to feel I am dismissing your concerns. You will get more time to live your life as you want to live it.
But unsupportive parents stay unsupportive (I haven't told mine). Fears of teachers becomes fears of bosses, landlords -- hell, banks. If living in a close community, polyamorous folks still go out on group dates "as friends" and say babe "in jest." There is still risk.
I don't say this to discourage you. Rather the opposite: You are not alone in your experience of having to tamp yourself down. Every polyamorous person I know has felt that or still feels that, and is still living a rich, full life. They are loving their partners💗. They feel unconstrained 🕊️ in those spaces they have carved for themselves. They do all of this despite the difficulties, and it remains worth it.
