My Poly Adventure

Been dating someone 3 years, I’m poly he’s not. Was seeing someone else for the past 9 months who knew I was poly and with someone from the start. We had a really good thing going but after like 7 months I tried to DTR and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Cut to now, he told me he’s seeing someone else and cannot keep seeing me anymore. And then told me it was because I’m poly and he doesn’t know how our relationship would work since I’m already in a relationship. My question is, is that like polyphobia??? Is polyphobia even a thing? I’m also bisexual and have been told people won’t date me for that and this seems like the exact same thing. But two of my monogamous friends are like “yeah but I see where he’s coming from I wouldn’t wanna date someone who was sleeping with/dating someone else either” and I’m like “??? bc ur brainwashed into thinking monogamy is natural and normal?!” I’m so frustrated and heartbroken. I didn’t choose to be poly.

Polyphobia certainly exists, but it’s not the same as an individual person deciding they don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. No one is obligated to date you, and if someone decides that they don’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean that you’re being oppressed or excluded or are the victim of a structural bias. It is fine for any individual person to choose not to be in a polyamorous relationship, even after trying it out for a bit. Not wanting to live in New York doesn’t make me city-phobic, not wanting to date a smoker doesn’t make me smoker-phobic. We’re all allowed our personal preferences.

Polyphobia looks like a multiparent family being turned down for adoption or a foster care placement. It looks like a system that only allows two partners to share marriage benefits. It looks like slut-shaming and cultural cruelty toward people who are in polyamorous relationships. The difference between someone not wanting to date a bisexual person and someone not wanting to date a person already in a polyamorous relationship is that your polyamory fundamentally changes the terms of the relationship he’d be in. It’s okay for him to decide he doesn’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. It’s not about who you are, it’s about what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

Whatever you believe about monogamy, it’s not cool to say that people with monogamous preferences or orientations are “brainwashed.” You yourself said that you “didn’t choose to be poly,” which indicates you subscribe to some flavor of the born-this-way narrative. That means you also need to make space for people who, either due to their choices or their innate characteristics, are monogamous.

‪VVVitches

Lesbians don’t exist to be fetishized

Bisexuals aren’t greedy, more likely to cheat, or confused

Transgender people don’t just want attention and it isn’t a phase

Asexuals are completely valid and should be 100% accepted in the lgbt+ community

Pansexual is not the same is bi, nor is it less valid

Demisexuality is not the same as being a “regular” person. It is a valid sexuality.

Non-Binary pronouns are not hard to respect

Pansexuality is attraction regardless of gender/sex. Pansexual people often refer to themselves as “genderblind” & follow philosophies that are basically “personality>what’s in your pants/how you present”. Pansexuality is often accompanied by demisexuality, which is sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has been formed.

Bisexuality is being attracted to two or more genders/sexes. While this may include “all” genders (like pansexuality) for certain people, some have preferences, & bisexual individuals don’t experience the same genderblindness that pansexuals do.