#poly teens

there’s plenty of polyam teens- i know at least 6, and have dated 3. my first relationship was polyam and all my partners since then have been open to the possibility of me dating other people, if not polyam themselves.

so idk where im going with this, but yeah i love queer people and especially queer people who don’t follow amatonormativity :3

😭😭😭

Hello! Thank you! I love you and all the poly teens you know!

As a point of reference, you have dated more poly teens than teens I knew who were out as being any form of queer, myself included, until another bi person transferred in my last year of schooling.

even when I've only had one partner, there's always been open communication about how either of us having other partners is on the table, and the boundaries/etc around that.

There are a couple of older relatives I've kept it quiet around, mostly because I don't think they'd actually get it, but otherwise I'm pretty open about it and have yet to get any horrendously anti-polyam reactions from anyone, really.

Society definitely still has a fair way to go as far as inclusion and unlearning amatonormativity, but there are corners that are pretty accepting and they're growing fast.

That's so wonderful to hear!🥰 thank you for sharing your experiences

I can't imagine even having that opportunity at 14, let alone feeling confident enough to actually take that opportunity. I'm glad you and others have the chance to know this about themselves sooner than I did. I mourn the heartache it could have saved me.

And I'm a teenager. I forgot to put that at the beginning.

I would have thought we were still a decade off from this level of normalcy to be acheived, even in the teens, who tend to be on the cutting edge of such things. 🥺

I guess, in fairness to me, in my (rural, conservative) area, we probably still are😅 but its still nice to know that other places are there already.

I know being a teenager sucks in a lot of ways, and in hindsight it actually sucks in more ways than I could have articulated at the time. But love this part of it, if you can, for me. Bask in it, just a moment, for me. Please.

I am so so happy for you. I am so so impressed by you. I am so so thrilled at what your existence implies. Your entire life is yours to live however you damn well please, and I am so so electrified by that fact.

in my freshman year, a friend of mine had been in love with two older guy friends (like. sophomores). it was straight out of a novel - guy number 1 was a new and sweet guy at the hs, guy number 2 was her childhood friend. she ended up getting with guy number 1. all was well.

months later, her, knowing i am poly sent me a text. apparently, no. 2 had admitted to her boyfriend that he was in love with her, and kind-of in love with him (did not specify if platonic or romantic), and he just. said this. boyfriends response? show her and be like "i always thought you and guy no.2 were cute together ngl".

then she was texting me like "HOW DO I ASK. IF THEY. WANT TO BE POLY."

it never ended up going anywhere (she was too nervous to ask abt it + nobody involved had the emotional maturity necessary to make smart decisions + stupid teenager stuff here) but saying that i always thought it was a really cute moment. like. i respect the complete chill required to get from "my friends in love with my girlfriend" to "thats cute, i like him and i dont mind" in a super monogamous society.

this is the CUTEST moment 😆AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH😆

😍🎉😆

Thank you so much for sharing this!! You're making me mourn not being able to do stuff as a teen I didn't even know I wanted, but like, in a good way, no worries. I'm so so so happy you're getting to have these experiences, you know? Its too perfect to feel real🥰. It feels like what you would script happening in some progressive sitcom, not a real thing that really gets to happen to people. At fourteen, no less!!!

It introduced me to polyamory via the troll romance system and I got to have multiple wonderful partners of various types

While me and those folks aren't together anymore: it set me up for success with helping men learn better communication, sharing care between types of relationships, and the warmth of having so many of us love each other or like each other in our own ways.

Maybe it wasn't perfect, but I remember you all fondly and I appreciate what we had

Poly forever and wishing all my poly folks young and old good luck because we are everywhere!!

Okay. I'm gonna be honest here. I never read Homestuck. I mean, I read like 20 pages, got incredibly bored, watched a pixel man cram arms into a cake(?), and left. So I have no idea what you mean by "troll romance system", and frankly, I do slightly fear even saying that will invoke a very long winded explanation in the replies to this post and I will know even more about Homestuck against my will 😂 (I currently know there are trolls eventually, l33t speak, ♠️♥️♣️♦️, and uhhhh I think it also something about the rainbow? 13 colors or some shit? I also know it lasted forever and that there was a lot for y'all fans to sink your teeth into. I am glad it exists, it just is not for me)

But.

I did not know I was poly as a teen. There were some signs, but I was still figuring other shit out, and that didn't seem like an option anyway. I envy you knowing so young. A lot of hardship might have been avoided for me if I knew (and committed to it) before I did.

But 🧼📦 I think it is a societal mistake to say that teens should be managing their lives fundamentally differently than adults. Not to say that teens are identical to 35 year olds, but a lot of that difference is in the vague category of "experience"... which means you have to do things as if you are an adult to bridge the nebulous difference between "stupid teen" and "independent adult citizen." (The other differences are neither in your control nor relevant for my answer, so I shall restrain myself from launching into an unrelated essay).

All of that to say, my advice to you is the same as my general advice. Not because I don't see that there can be unique stressors with doing this as a teen, but because I do. So here's some of that general advice recapped:

I recommend saying it🗨️. Even if you're not sure if and when you want anything out of the norm, or if you're gonna stay with this person long enough for it to matter. It sucks to be completely blindsided while head over heels if it does come up.

I recommend saying it now🗯️. There is never a perfect time. There is risk in saying it too early, there is worse risk in saying it too late. This will remain true for every relationship you enter into.

I recommend keeping the conversation casual😊, if you can, when introducing a topic. "I was reading about this and I think it sounds so sweet!" is enough to get you started. Don't shy away if it becomes a bigger conversation, or if it needs to be revisited later. To practice polyamory healthily there will need to be protracted conversations about it. But making it seem imposing from the get-go is so anxiety inducing for everyone. Bring it up in a lighthearted way, gauge the reaction, feel it out from there. Polyamory is joyous, so don't present it as a problem unnecessarily.

You will be okay when you fuck it up. Perfect wordings don't exist. In the fullness of time, something will go awry. Its okay. Long term, you want a relationship that can survive a row anyway. You can survive a bad breakup, and you can survive staying in an unfulfilling relationship two years longer than you should have. Its never fun, but its never as bad as you fear. You will be okay when you fuck it up.

Since you asked for advice involving your age, I will say two things. Firstly, as a teen, I remember being very anxious at the idea of talking about anything. I didn't know how to do it and things could go so wrong. I know somewhat better now, but often as not, the thought is still "I don't know how tf to do that" ...but now I follow it up with "but I'm doing it anyway!" It very often feels like all your happiness hinges on something. But life isn't like that.

Secondly, life is a practice. Everyone has to practice the type of shit they want for it to work. Its discussed a lot with teens, because the earlier you start the habits you want the better, but its at least a constant upkeep for adults and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise. So in situations like this, where you're scared about doing things wrong, the question is not "is this right?" or "is this going to hurt them?" or "am I a bad person?" The ❔question❔ is: "is this the type of life I want to lead?" What do you want from your life, friend? Is it relationships where you're scared to share fundamental aspects of yourself? Or is it relationships where you can be open and figure things out together? (and at risk of putting too fine a point on it, if your first response is "but I don't know if I can have the second type right now and I don't want nothing" that's part of it, too. 1) It is a practice, so practice for what you want, and 2) "is this the type of life you want to lead?" -- do you want to compromise on what's important for you out of convenience or fear or loneliness?) The answer to that is your own, just as your life is your own. Though I led with the questions -- forgive me -- I don't judge you for your answer.

You're asking a poly blog if its bad that you're toying around with the idea of a polyam relationship - the answer you're gonna get is no. 😆

Developmentally, teenhood is about throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. You're supposed to consider all sorts of weird shit. [Aside, some adults like to use this fact to mean that teens are dumb and that nothing you do matters, but nothing could be further from the truth, and those people should pelted with pebbles, imo] Its how you break out of childhood restraints/limited worldview and come into your own as a person. Sometimes it ends up meaning nothing and sometimes it ends up being foundational to who you'll be at 35🤷‍♀️ Sometimes, you treat it like nothing for another coupla decades and are still pining after it when you're 35 (not recommended🫤).

On that note though, its worth giving a consider if its not on your mind so much because your "ambiamory scale" is weighted towards polyamory ⚖️. Ie, are you really wanting a polycule and your friends - though you're not interested in them - are the most plausible path to that?

And there's still a good chance its nothing more than your brain randomly generating 🎰 life paths for you to bat around then forget 2 minutes later like a cat with a straw wrapper🧶🐈, but if you find yourself drawn to it consistently... could be a clue. Or conversely! If it squicks you, could be a sign you're not super poly or could only do it in limited scenarios. Or right in the middle with "I know I'm ambiam, so polyamory is an option, this is the closest way I have to imagine and plan for the possibility"!

For reference, my partners and I are all 17. We have such an established connection and an open line of communication, especially since we all pretty much started out as friends. The three of us have grown up in immigrant families with some pretty strict values and customs that make it hard for us to be our true selves around our families when we're all at an event together like a birthday or just a casual hang out. It's especially hard because 4 times out of 5, we'd need a chaperone and then we have to code switch to "bro" and "dude" and "girl" because if anyone who ISN'T supposed to know finds out, it could potentially put all of us in a situation. It just sucks because I love them both so much and I wouldn't trade them for the absolute world! If I could scream it off of a rooftop, I'd scream until aliens thought the humans were raging war. I don't want to hide the fact that my love extends past the boundaries of societal norms. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding a giant secret behind a curtain. But I can't do all of that without potentially ruining the relationships I have with my family, my partner's families, and their relationships with their own families. This is very long, I apologize but to wrap it up:

It's difficult having to pretend to only be friends in the eyes of the people we care the most about. But the kind of love and connection I have with my partners is a kind of love that I wouldn't give up, even at gunpoint.

So this is a fascinating perspective to me, and I thank you deeply for sharing it. Because I would have killed (at least maimed) to know I was poly when I was a teen. It would have clarified years of my life, it would have allowed me years more of freedom and joy. Not to mention having friends on my side from the beginning.

So its heartwrenching to hear how burdensome it is to you -- even though it makes sense.

I want to let you know these problems are not unique to young folks. Its not "kinda rare it is for younger polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world." Its rare for all polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world. Adulthood and independence often allows much more space, of course. You curate more of your own life as an adult, and that gives you so much more time where you can be authentic, away from people who might "cause a situation," as you put it. I don't want to diminish this, because its very important to me you are aware of this very real hope, and because I don't want you to feel I am dismissing your concerns. You will get more time to live your life as you want to live it.

But unsupportive parents stay unsupportive (I haven't told mine). Fears of teachers becomes fears of bosses, landlords -- hell, banks. If living in a close community, polyamorous folks still go out on group dates "as friends" and say babe "in jest." There is still risk.