#kitchen table poly

counting dates

keeping time equal or "fair".

primary/secondary dynamics

being better at X than metamour

Life fluxes and changes. Numbered comparison fails the test of time. Instead, here are ways to grow relationship security with a partner:

proactive quality time, and tell each other what you love about it.

craft rituals and special things you do together. Example, a parting ways ritual, we hug, kiss and say each other's names three times before heading off to do our own things.

grow trust by talking about hard feelings without laying blame. "I feel X, I need Y". (Y cannot be controlling another's behaviour)

Explicitly agree on your dynamic and balances of care. Frame the relationship as a team.

Assume each other's best intent.

Share reassurance based on the people in the relationship, what about them lights you up, that it's okay to have messy feelings, etc.

make plans, dream together, be silly.

There's another secret way to grow relationship security! Reflect on what you want to offer in relationship, decide, and do it. Do it imperfectly, and do it often. This overlaps with the last one, but you can grow it in your own time too. Exact details will vary by relationship. Examples could be:

Choosing your personal relationship values to orient towards: Graciousness, freedom, love that is open handed instead of grasping, kindness, playfulness.

Tend to your partner regularly, with food, massage, sex, anything that suits you both.

Commit to taking space, reflect and rest when you can't embody your values

Gifts, scheming cute surprises, regular lovenotes, whatever feels romantic to you

Respecting a partner's autonomy as a sovereign being

Focusing on what one can give instead of what one can get

Reminding myself that I want the world for my partners, everything I can give them, and then some!

My kids spend Xmas with their father, so we celebrate on Xmas Eve. This year we have combined the holiday with both my husband of seven years and my boyfriend of two, with this being our second Xmas together.

I made a big dinner, we did presents and I will be spending the night at my boyfriend's and coming tomorrow after my husband gets off work (he took the holiday voluntarily for the cash) to watch a holiday themed horror movie. None of us really have family, so it was a nice taste of tradition in a non traditional way.

Right now my house is filled with the sounds of my two partners and teenaged kids chatting about video games while I dip away for a quick break. My husband and I got the kids these handheld emulators and they were a huge hit, enough that I might be getting my husband one, as well.

This is such a cozy and lovely dynamic and shows how fulfilling poly can be without hierarchy. We work together to make the whole thing come together.

So in 2020 can we stop forcing people to be around people they clearly don’t enjoy under the banner of “Kitchen Table Poly”? Like, I’m all for crafting the polyamorous experience that you want and I appreciate the people I can have KTP with but think about it. We don’t force our friends to be friends with all of our friends so why do we HAVE to have all our partners connected to each other? Half the time I don’t even feel like people be caring about KTP, they just want to stunt for the gram that they can “do poly well”. Let people have the relationships they want to have with the people they want to have them with. If it’s KTP, great. If it’s parallel, great. Just focus on making sure YOUR relationships are good with your partners and let them figure out how they want to engage one another. Not having KTP doesn’t mean that there has to be drama and ill will behind that. Some people just don’t vibe. And if there IS drama, then why would you want to force people to have to sit in that with someone?

Just stumbled upon an article about a specific type of "kitchen table" poly (which is when the goal is to be comfortable enough to sit at the kitchen table with your metamours) - "lap-sitting" poly.

In this version, not only are you expected to get along with your metamours, but you're also expected to be even closer to them, like a best friend or even a lover. This is a new term I hadn't encountered before.