#phdblog

I am here to make a 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻:

to feel comfortable as my true self and also to let people know that they're not alone.

I have always tried to show here the struggles and confusions I'm facing as a PhD student. I talk about my failures, my struggles with perfectionism, and the ups and downs of my PhD. But I feared that, without realising, I've given a picture of myself as a very organized PhD student who has everything under control. So this post is to come clean.

💬 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗳𝗮𝗿 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲𝗱. 𝗠𝘆 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗰. 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗹𝘆. 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆. 𝗜 𝗴𝗼 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸.

But the one thing I do is, I give myself time. I sit with myself to untangle the messy things: be it thoughts or schedules or cupboards. I pause and take time to untangle the chaos and bring some order. And 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵, I am able to be organized.

I am also slow, in that respect. I take a lot of time to find the best way something works for me. I experiment so many apps, I seek and try so many tools/processes and change through so many plans before I find the one that works for now.

All these processes are messy, nonlinear - that's how they work. Only after I give myself the time to go through the messy am I able to feel the calm.

❓I was worried that if I share all these processes with you, wouldn't I be confusing you? What if I use one method this month and soon I find something better? So should I share only the things, I know for *sure*, that work?

💡But then I realized, this page is my *𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙚* - where I store 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘗𝘩𝘋 for me and for you to see. I HAVE TO show the process, not just the end product.

I realized, you guys know that!

By sharing the process, I am sharing the reality. And only by sharing reality will I be able to form authentic connections ♥️

That's it. Just putting it out here.

Today, I feel hopeful and excited.

I have been on a rollercoaster the past few weeks - with some big wins, confusion, pressure from every side, support from unexpected people, roaming directionless, and also good guidance. It was such a mixed feeling - being not able to celebrate my wins, trying not to get too excited, and at the same time working to make that dream true.

I know I am being cryptic but bear with me. I have something big coming up and you guys will be first to know when it actually happens. ❤️

Right now I am preparing for that Big Thing, and building my reading/writing habit is the first thing I am doing. Reading journal articles is such a soothing activity for me and it also gets my brain working. So I have chosen to do that first thing in the morning, every day.

The night before, I select an article to read in the morning and I try to finish the AIC - Abstract, Introduction, and Conclusion - within my one-and-a-half-hour reading time. If that paper is interesting and if it looks relevant to my study, I will bookmark it and spend more time on it. And because of that, I won't be able to read one paper every day (which is actually the goal). But, no perfectionism. Go with the flow. Right?

This is my productive procrastination on a new level 😂

My week has felt like a bit of whirlwind. I spent less than 24 hours in Germany on Wednesday for a flute lesson, along with a busy week of rehearsals, practice, reading, writing, re-writing and a smidge of self-doubt.