#personal as hell

I had sucha great Friday with my coworkers. We managed to roll like 15+ deep and somehow managed to fit us all in one karaoke room 😱

Nights in Chinatown

I just saw Love, Simon. This is an incredibly important movie. Buckle up, this is going to get personal. 

I came out to my family almost a year ago. It was hard for me; I didn’t know how they’d react, or if my coming out would be a big deal. Everything ended up being fine, thankfully, but I always felt like being queer was this part of me my parents didn’t understand. It’s easier when I’m with friends. I can make jokes about being queer, and I don’t have to hold anything back. It’s so relieving to not feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

I read Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I was 15 and still unsure of my sexuality. I knew there was a pretty good chance I wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. Consuming any and al queer media became my refuge. I actively sought out every book with a LGBT+ characters. If I couldn’t be out, at least I could live through others. Reading books like Simon, and Georgia Peaches, and everything else made me feel more comfortable in my own identity.I honestly don’t think I would have been able to come out last year if I hadn’t spent the past 2 years reading books featuring queer characters. 

Having a major movie like Simon is so incredibly important. No, it’s not perfect. It’s over the top, cheesy, and romantic as hell. This is the first time I’ve seen a movie where the main character is someone like me. This is the first time I’ve seen a movie where they aren’t afraid to openly say that the characters are gay. Repeatedly. 

in such diverse ways that remove the feeling of uniqueness,

which I enjoy,

but then I realize how different I am

from everyone that I meet and I feel so apart.

I don't feel it's appropriate to be alone or to feel that way.

I value family above all, but I am still unfamiliar with such.

Being family.

I'm not the only one, but I grew up without a mother or father.

One left with a bloody shirt and the other gave up after.

I value being me, but I just want something else to keep.

I don't want to be fleeting, but can I stop it?

I learned a lot about him. To both my sister and I, Dad is an enigma. We learn surprising and shocking things from him about himself every few months. You published a book of poetry? You were a teacher? You were an EMT? It’s no wonder that my sister and I have conspiracy theories of a sort about our dad, about things he hasn’t told us that would still make sense as being secrets he has based on what we know about him. 

A medication I’m about to stop taking has been dulling my emotions, so for part of the conversation I studied his face and wondered if I loved him. I couldn’t feel anything that felt like love when I stared at him, and I couldn’t think of many reasons to love him--I usually love people more the more I talk to them, and he’s a heavily reserved person who’s usually on business trips or working 24/7 from his home office (or watching TV in the basement).

Then he looked down at his phone to read part of an email my uncle had just sent him to me, and I could see the top of his head. I could remember when his hair was thick and dark brown, and now it’s thinner and so gray it’s almost white. And I felt this wave of grief, which is an emotion I didn’t even know I could feel right now, because it made me think about the fact that he is going to die someday. And I had to fight back tears in the middle of our conversation before he could look back up from his phone and notice them. 

He has crow’s feet now. His eyes are sunken and hooded and there are pouches under them. He is visibly aging so much more quickly than my mother. 

Any time will do, I don't mind.