#cm.personal

I’m trying so hard to keep it all together. My mom thinks my anxiety is from brain injuries, and that is contributing to making these decisions she disapproves of (so that laces through all conversations.) Most of my life she’s been more spiritual in her approach to mental problems. Which I ascribe to, to a point. I used to complain about stomach aches in elementary school, b/c I was afraid to go to school. Expected stuff. So in high school when I say I’m having trouble seeing, she thinks I’m lying or exaggerating. She brings it up then, and at other times, like when I worry about my mental state the first time.

But now that I’m marrying someone they disapprove of, she’s all on board with helping me figure out mental stuff. I’ve shelled out for a therapist, I’m working on stuff the therapist has for me. I’m working on the spiritual aspect of things. I’m doing everything I can to make sure I’m “in my right mind” and it is never going to be enough. And it’s getting in the way of my relationship with my fiancee. 

My fiancee, who has been incredibly supportive our whole entire relationship. Who bought me a recipe book for the paleo diet when I realized I couldn’t have dairy regularly. Who has given me money to help me make ends meet. Who has been on the other end of the phone call, listening to me cry my heart out over the stupidest things, and the worst things. 

I thought I was on top of adult things today, and I was so proud, and then it sort of went crashing down. And he helped me through it. While my mom rambles on about homeopathic stuff (which I am not inherently against, but she’s not big on drugs with side effects) and implies my wanting to marry this man is because of brain injuries and anxiety’s effect on my brain. I love that she’s helping, but is it ok to say “too little too late?”

She and I used to have a great relationship, and then I moved out and became my own person and we didn’t mesh, and ... I don’t know.