The Archives

white people be like i have to pick up my guinea pig from his chiropractor appointment

white people be like i have to misogynize my cat for clout online

white people be like the healthiest relationship ive ever had is with my dog

white people be like i have to do phrenology to my cat and claim him to be inherently mentally deficient for being orange

white people be like my horse is homewrecking me 😡

white people be like "when your boyfriend says he'd never cheat on you and then he gets a girl dog"

white people be like im putting my hamster on keto

white people be like i trained my dog to bring me my ubereats orders 😋

white people be like this isnt funny i need to pick my dog up from his solo vacation to an active war zone

white people be like i love my pet opossum 🥰

Puppy play but the dog partner just puts on a vest with SERVICE ANIMAL printed on the back and sorts their partner's mail and does their taxes and then goes home

Do the duties change outside of tax season?

i fear that when i say we should have adult playgrounds, people think i mean a sex thing but in fact i want a playground identical to the ones i used to play on as a kid but built for tall people

my mythology pet peeve is when someone describes a scenario in which they keep nearly getting something and then having it snatched away, and everyone's like "one must imagine sisyphus" no!!! one must imagine TANTALUS!!! sisyphus = being made to perform a pointless, aggravating task over and over without ever making any progress. tantalus = being offered a glorious reward only for it to vanish as soon as you reach for it. they are NOT the same

Orgasm denial. Orgasm anger. Orgasm bargaining. Orgasm depression. Orgasm acceptance.

I can no longer feel the infinite sadness

to me, correctly using 5+ commas in a single sentence is like perfectly executing a combo in a fighting game. to me.

if you think a sentence needs 5+ commas it should be two sentences

it’s not about what the sentence needs, i’m afraid, nor is it about economy, clarity, or style. it’s about winning, little-theatre-fairy.

OP that's not even a full horse. You've literally only looked at the feet.

maybe one day we will be brave enough to lift our eyes and look, trembling, at the rest of the horse. not today, though. today, these are all the facts we have about horses.

let's stay out of the fandom tags with papa

let's learn to block people with mama

turns out i am gay

holy shit how’d this alpaca learn how to type

Diversity win! The alpaca is gay!

he was a llama

a llama?! he’s supposed to be dead!

@hellsite-hall-of-fame i think this deserves to be here

i hate when a book describes a pause as pregnant. get your dick out of the pause

Gets stuck in the past and makes a random village get way smarter and less violent in a generational sense because I keep smacking people over the head with a stick and telling them that it’s the devil’s metal whenever they try to use lead for something in my presence and there develops a very niche regionalized superstition that an angry warlock will jump out of a tree and beat the shit out of you if you touch lead with your bare hands

Gets excommunicated by the Catholic Church for telling people that they can banish the devil from their water if they boil it therefore saving hundreds of people from a cholera outbreak but I don’t care and keep trying to convince the locals to use soap more often

You’re not at all worried about being labeled a witch and burned at the stake?

Witch burnings were very specifically a mid 1500s to mid 1600s phenomenon and I went back further than that so I’m fine as long as I don’t try to convince people that the earth revolves around the sun.

You’ve thought this out thoroughly and I appreciate that

might as well be jilling off to a glossary the way im coming to terms