One small thing about being a disabled autistic asocial and aplatonic person for me... Is being able to fill my social needs by watching really entertaining friend vlogs. Because in real life, social interaction is unpredictable and often becomes overstimulating very quickly.
I used to feel FOMO and jealousy over the vlogs I watched, until I had opportunities to have social hangouts like the ones I watched, and... I spent majority of my time feeling and behaving as an observer, rather than being an active participant. When i was participating, it was short lived, or on my terms (them joining my activity/convo, me dipping out 'randomly' to regulate, etc), because it was overstimulating or unpredictable. Even if I was excited and happy (which in my case, has always been coupled with mania), my excitement alone can cause overstimulation and dissociation.
I've always been the observer. For a long long time I internalized it as a bad thing, because I couldn't seperate my lack of participation with my isolation. But I don't think that way anymore.
Once my guilt and internalized shame about my needs were gone, I was left with a wave of calm. Its not like Im never going to try to talk to real people to meet my needs- it's simply me accepting that watching other people be social is an okay way for me to fill my own social needs.
Being intimate with others is overstimulating. Being friends is overstimulating and unpredictable. Relationships are overstimulating. Attraction itself is overstimulating. That's partially why I'm greyanaesthetic (if not fully anae), probably the only form of attraction i feel- even though i feel aesthetic attraction, the attraction itself becomes overstimulating and "implodes" on itself- basically, its presence alone is so strong that it shuts down and disappears.
