I am so anxious that I am faking. I’m scared it’s just a game I’m playing in my head or I’m creating people to cope. It’s so blurry all the time and I rarely feel like I’m ‘gone’. James always has to fight to control things, I don’t ever go away. I’m scared to go away. There is no inner world, I don’t know if my trauma was bad enough, if I dissociate enough, I don’t know names or personalities much and I feel like I’m guessing at what I do know. I can’t get James to leave notes because, I’m right there. There isn’t a need for external communication because I’m right there the whole time. But there isn’t internal communication either, just,, passive influence? I know it’s not quite me when James or others are around. I can feel the fight for control, usually between James and me. He’s there, I know he is. I know sometimes I’m just not me. But what if it’s just severe depersonalization? That happens sometimes but James still feels different. I’m just not me. Normally I don’t scowl at people, listen to edgy music, talk with a lower voice or isolate myself. That’s just not who I am. But the whole time, I’m so aware of what he’s doing, what he’s thinking and so on. Is that okay? Is there emotional amnesia? I think so, I know what he’s feeling I guess but I’m not feeling that. I’m just feeling tired, so exhausted from fighting back his actions.
The point of my anxiety is, if it’s not osdd, then what is it? Am I just making it up? Am I crazy? And I know that’s outdated and I’m not crazy but I’m just so scared to be told that the people I’m trying to learn more about, aren’t real. As much as one part of me is so confused and scared by the others, the other part of me wishes so desperately that it would make sense. That I could just, get diagnosed and work things out with the others but I know how unlikely that is.
To any diagnosed systems out there, how did you get diagnosed? I’ve had my therapist for 7 years, she knows me inside and out. I’m scared to tell her how it feels, about the others that I think are there. I’m so scared she’ll shut me down, that she won’t listen. I don’t even know if she gets dissociative disorders! Should I try to find a therapist who does get dissociative disorders? To work on getting a diagnosis? The problem with that is my parents would ask why I’m going to see another therapist all of a sudden. How can I explain to them if I can’t even tell my therapist? I’m just so anxious about it all. I’ve told a few friends, I’m trying to let James interact with them, see if that helps us at all but it’s so scary to be vulnerable to people. Please, any advice would be so appreciated.
